Now, she was safely curled up on her couch, with a full belly, and a contented cat. The strings of ELO had given way to the raspy voice of Stevie Nicks, and Alex could feel herself relaxing. She knew she should get up. She had laundry to do, and she should check her phone messages. But Stevie was singing about taking her love down, and Alex let herself go down as well, falling asleep between thoughts.

There was a ringing noise in her ears as Alex awoke. She struggled up past the final layers of sleep, and found herself on the couch, curled on her side, with Appleby tight against the backs of her knees. For a moment she was tempted to go back to sleep, but then realized that the ringing had been her phone, and it had stopped.

With a groan she got to her feet, disturbing Appleby. He glared at her, but she didn’t notice. Instead, she stumbled into her bedroom, trying to hear the message on the machine, but the caller had already hung up.

Alex dropped onto her bed, rubbing her eyes. She reached down to hit the play button on her machine.

There were two messages. The first was from Sarah.

“Alex? Hey, babe. I heard about what happened in Philadelphia. God, I can’t believe it took me this long to find out. If I had known earlier, you wouldn’t have come home to an empty apartment on Sunday. Maggie and I would have been there for you.”

There was a pause, then she continued. “You know, if you need to talk about anything, you can call. Anytime. I know you, you’re probably beating yourself up over this. But don’t. It sounds like you did everything you could.”

Again, she paused. “We love you, Alex. Call me. Please? I’m worried about you, kiddo, and I think you need some friends. Maggie and I are here if you need us. But call me, or I might end up banging down you door. Please take care. Bye.”

There was a click from the machine, then a whirring noise. Then another click as the machine picked up the next call.

There was no voice. After a moment, Alex could hear the soft sound of someone’s breath, then the phone hanging up. The dial tone buzzed for a moment, until the machine cut it off.

Alex put the hang up out of her mind concentrating on the fact that Sarah had somehow found out about Philly. She wondered how. Did Sarah call David for some reason? Or had David called Sarah, worried about Alex? She wouldn’t put it past her friend, or her partner, to call the other, especially if they thought something was wrong with Alex.

Not that there was anything wrong. She was just tired. After all, she’d had to deal with a dead body in her arms, fried corpses, a vicious police captain, little sleep, and the inability to do anything about any of it. She hadn’t been able to save Dabir, she couldn’t keep him safe, and his blood had been hot as it flowed over her hands …

Alex suddenly realized that she was crying, and wrapping her hand in the comforter on her bed. She felt the sob as it rose from her chest, the harsh sounds as she struggled to breathe through the tears that dripped down her face. For several minutes she stayed still, letting the images of Dabir’s blood soaked body come up in her mind. She followed the events in her memory as she heard the screams, and saw people running. She felt the dead weight of Dabir’s body as she helped lift him onto the stretcher, and crawled in after the paramedic. She’d followed the medics orders, and held an oxygen mask over the bloody face. She’d seen the open eyes staring up at her, and knew they saw nothing.

Slowly, the images began to slip away. Alex found herself able to draw a breath without struggling. The tears continued to stream down her cheeks, but her hands relaxed their panicked hold on the bedspread. The ache that she’d suppressed since Sunday morning was shrinking back to a manageable size as she finally acknowledged the feeling of helplessness, and the fear and anger that accompanied it. After another couple of minutes, Alex took a deep breath, held it for a moment, and let it out.

It was time to face it.

“Okay, Dabir died,” she said. “But it wasn’t my fault.” For the first time, she thought she could believe that. “I couldn’t prepare for what I didn’t know could happen. It wasn’t my fault.” It was logical, and she could feel the ache inside ease a little more. “I did my job. And I still couldn’t have stopped it.”

The pain was still there. Alex knew it wasn’t going to just disappear. But as she wiped away the wetness on her cheeks, she could almost sense the emotions settling back down, this time without the rumbling boil she’d been feeling for days. Finally she felt herself back in control. It was different, not the iron will she’d demanded of herself since the assassination, but the simple understanding that the worst had happened, and she had handled it. Not only that, but the task force had seen more progress in the last few days than they’d had since starting, so many months ago. Now they knew who the men were. And with any luck, they’d find who hired them.

With another deep breath, Alex got herself fully under control. She looked beside her at Appleby, who had climbed onto the bed to watch her. He had his head tilted, and a concerned look on his face. She reached up and rubbed his head.

“I’m okay now, pal. Just had to get that out of my system.” He stared at her a second longer, then started licking at his fur. Alex laughed. “Yeah, I’m glad I’m okay, too.” She picked him up and hugged him, then let him go. He jumped down from the bed, his tail up. He stalked out of the bedroom, heading for his food dish.

Alex sat a moment longer, taking stock of her tattered emotions. She felt like she could face work again without letting the frustration drive her crazy. She was looking forward to trying.

Tomorrow, there’d be laundry to do in the morning, and a workout after that. She wouldn’t mind spending a day doing background work, and writing reports. There would be other days to try to save the world.

But for now, it was time to get a good night’s sleep. Feeling pleasantly tired, rather than exhausted, Alex got ready for bed.

*******************************************************

The computer on the bike said she’d ridden five miles. Alex felt like it had been twenty.

“Jeez, that’ll teach me to stop working out for a month.”

She hopped off the bike and grabbed her towel.

“Alex! It’s about time we see you back in here.”

“Hey, Margo. How’ve you been?”

Margo Wicks was a tall, leggy brunette, with curves in the right places. She worked as both a trainer and a first aid tech at the FBI gym. Most of the people that trained there had developed an attraction to her at one point or another. Alex was no different. At a drunken Halloween party two years before, she and Margo had spent the evening flirting with each other. They had retired to a bedroom for a little privacy and some making out. It turned out they had both had too much to drink, and instead of having sex, they’d simply passed out. The next morning had been embarrassing for both of them, but they’d gotten over it. Margo had decided she was really straight, which Alex thought was a shame.

“I heard you were in Philadelphia, Alex.”

“Yeah. Not a pleasant trip, Margo.”

“Guess not.” Margo waited as Alex moved over to the treadmill, and set the computer for three miles. “By the way, when is your readiness test? I know it’s been more than four months.”

“Yeah, just over four. I think I’m scheduled to do a recertification this May.”

“Well, you might want to check into a class before then. We’ve got this new hand-to-hand instructor that’s really something else. She’s an expert in several martial arts disciplines.”

“Really.”

“Yeah, and she’s single.”

Alex stared at the taller woman. “Oh, Margo, not you, too?”

“Not me too, what?”

“You’re not trying to set me up, are you? My partner keeps trying, my friend Sarah tries. I swear if I have to spend one more evening doing the ‘get-to-know-you’ crap, I’m gonna marry a guy just to shut them up!”