Normally, Nazirah doesn’t mind Aneira’scompany. She is by far Nazirah’s favorite Grigori. Aneira has aninnate sadness Nazirah empathizes with. But Nazirah really wantedto discuss her reservations with Cato before seeing Niko. Not thatshe would have known the answer to Cato’s question, because Nikonever tells her anything.

Nazirah finishes her lunch in silence.

Chapter Two

Nazirah lies in an overgrown meadow, a waysbehind headquarters. The weeds, wild flowers, and long reeds hideher in plain sight. Head resting comfortably in the crook of herarm, one ankle crossed lazily over the other, Nazirah stares at thesky for hours. The clouds roll in, expand, change shape, and rollout again. The sun slowly trails across the heavens, afternoonlight dimming, fading to dusk, and then turning deep blue. Thestars come out, blinking themselves awake after their day ofslumber.

This field is Nazirah’s secret hiding place,accessible through a weak link in the compound’s electrified fence,discovered during her first week at headquarters. She comes herewhen she feels overwhelmed, when her small room is too confining,or when she just wants to escape reality for a while … orforever.

She slowly runs her hand over rough bladesof yellow grass. It’s still summer, although it’s warm in Eridiesregardless of the time of year. Nazirah wonders briefly whatseasons feel like, if the flowers in the front yard at home areoverrun with weeds. They were only beginning to bloom when she leftso abruptly in April. Riva would often pluck the flowers from theirsmall garden and braid them skillfully, weaving vines and blossomsthrough Nazirah’s long chestnut locks. Nazirah could never quitemanage it by herself. Riva had an elegance Nazirah does notpossess. And now she isn’t around to teach Nazirah anything,anymore.

Nazirah picks one of the longest blades andbegins knotting the stem, occupying her hands. She thinks aboutRafu, not far from here. A few days’ walk, maybe. Only an hour’sdrive, if Nazirah had access to a car, which she doesn’t. Barelyanyone in Rafu drives. Only the wealthiest people can affordautomobiles, and the roads are so cracked and dangerous that mostprefer bicycling or walking.

The roads here in Krush are smooth andpaved, because they’re much closer to the capital. The lines ofcommunication are also better in northern Eridies. Nazirah has toadmit that Krush is a perfect location for the rebels to keep tabson Mediah and interact with other territories.

Nazirah has never been to the capitalbefore, obviously. She has never even been outside Eridies. But shehas heard stories, has seen images in books and on the smalltelevision in her home.

Skytowers so tall they rise above the cloudline. Lights so powerful they blind your eyes if you look for toolong. Fancy cars and heavy smog everywhere. A complex network ofbullet trains carrying resources from the four territories all dayand night.

Nazirah never rode in a car until the nighther parents died. Nikolaus, with his deep Eridian connections, hadknown about their parents’ murder almost as soon as Nazirah had. Hecame for her in a car, not an hour after she discovered them.

Nazirah remembers sitting on the porch, facered and raw from crying. She remembers the neighbors looking at herthrough their windows, pitying her, but unwilling to risk theirlives by offering her comfort or shelter. She didn’t know what todo. She couldn’t go inside, couldn’t watch the paramedics baggingthe bodies. But she couldn’t just leave, either.

There, on her front step, the chorus ofguilt that has plagued Nazirah for months began playing the firstchords of its death march. What if she stayed home that night andhadn’t snuck out? What if she was there to defend her parents? Whyhadn’t she joined the rebellion sooner? Why hadn’t she kissed hermother goodbye? When was the last time she told her father sheloved him? Why wasn’t she a better daughter?

So she sat, completely numb, and waited forabsolution.

She is still waiting.

Niko arrived in a black sedan. He saidnothing, just hugged her for the first time in years. Nazirah couldtell he had cried, but when she saw him, his face was dry.

And that was it. He ushered her into thecar, which made her even dizzier and more nauseous, and took her toKrush … to headquarters. Nazirah made him pull over several timesso she could throw up on the side of the road.

They returned a few days later for thefuneral. Since her parents were interracially married, they werebanned from having a traditional Eridian burial. So Riva andKasimir were cremated, and the two surviving Nations spread theirashes into the ocean behind their home. Following an old Eridiancustom, Nazirah and Nikolaus lit paper lanterns on the beach andwatched them gently float into the night sky.

Nazirah could not gather the strength toenter their home, so Nikolaus retrieved her clothing andbelongings. They told no one, invited no one, but people stillshowed up by the hundreds. Family friends, acquaintances, Cato andhis family, neighbors, and students that Riva taught over the yearsall came to say tearful goodbyes. Then the news vans had come fromall over the country, lining the street like caravans. The storywas national news, because the government wanted to use Kasimir andRiva’s death as a demonstration for the four territories:

This is what happens when you step out ofline.

Two small headstones were erected in thesand dunes behind the Nation’s home, overlooking the azure sea.Nazirah yearns to go there again, to run her fingers over thesmooth black stones, to feel closer to the deceased.

At times, Nazirah finds herself unable torecall the exact pitch of her father’s booming laugh, or theprecise shade of her mother’s honey eyes. She finds herselfforgetting. And of all the things that scare her, this scares hermost.

Nazirah rises slowly, shaking and stretchingthe stiffness from her limbs. She takes her time walking back,uneager to return to headquarters. She came to the field directlyafter lunch, skipping both dinner and Territory History. Herteacher, Ms. Bairs, probably wants to strangle Nazirah by now, butNazirah knows Cato will cover for her. He covers for her a lot,because Nazirah cannot muster any enthusiasm for participating inrecruit training. She does the bare minimum to get by. And,although her teachers initially let her absences slide, they arequickly losing patience.

Nazirah enters through the back door of themain building and walks through the deserted hallways. Exiting thestaircase on the floor that houses the girls’ dormitories, shebriefly checks the time.

7:15pm.

There’s still over an hour to kill beforeshe meets Niko.

Nazirah pushes open the door to her bedroomand throws herself onto the bed, shoes still on. She misses herroom at home. It was south facing, and her windows were always opento let in the salty breeze. Here, her room is tight and cramped. Ithas none of the comforts of home, for Niko didn’t think to bringanything besides her clothes. Her window faces a solid brickwall.

Only in this room does Nazirah cry.

In solitude, she allows herself to fullyexperience her guilt, grief, and loneliness. She felt lost beforeher parents died, in the way that an average intermix girl with fewoptions in life and a huge chip on her shoulder feels lostsometimes. She would rebel against her parents, not listen to theiradvice, and sneak out of the house … just to assert herindependence and power in a world where she truthfully hadnone.

Now, she is truly lost.

So lost that living feels more likedying.

So lost that Nazirah doesn’t remember theperson she once was, much less know how to find her.

#

An hour later, Nazirah drags herself out ofbed. She feels worse than she did before, and considers blowingNiko off and going right back to sleep. But Nazirah knows he willcome banging on her door, eyes and neck veins bulging, demanding toknow why she didn’t show up.