'There ain't a mess,' said Dash. 'And we're the ones in charge,'

'Really?' said the Doctor. 'The three of you?'

'The others'll be 'ere any minute,' said Joss.

'There's going to be more of them?' moaned Mrs Wingsworth. 'That will be such a nuisance!'

'Yeah,' said Archie.

'That's right,' said Dash, seeming more confident with his comrades beside him.

The Doctor laughed. 'Let's see how much trouble you three are in when they get here.'

'What you mean?' asked Dash.

'Well, look at you,' said the Doctor. 'Oh, I know it's not been all you expected – there's nothing but nibbles to pillage and so on. But you've been here how many hours and what have you achieved? Have you got into the bridge? No. Have you found the engine rooms? No.'

'We killed some people!' said Dash.

'But not very brilliantly,' the Doctor corrected. 'Only Martha's staying dead. So that's what, one whole person, and in how many hours? You think your comrades are gonna be impressed? That's rubbish!'

'It is rather shoddy,' agreed Mrs Wingsworth. She seemed the only one of the Balumin to take any interest. The others busied themselves with important matters like finger food and drinks. The Doctor could see that they had long since learnt that the badger-faced pirates were at worst a mild inconvenience. It was clear the three badgers knew this, too. They itched with frustration.

'It ain't fair,' said Joss. 'These lot don't die when you kill them.'

To make the point, she shot one of the blue Balumin prisoners. As he disappeared in the familiar, vivid pink light, he merely rolled his eyes.

'Oh, that's brilliant,' said the Doctor. 'What did you just prove that I didn't know already?'

'Um,' said Joss. 'I dunno.'

'Well then,' said the Doctor. 'Maybe if you could stop shooting people, I could explain why killing them isn't working.'

'They got powers,' said Dash. 'We know that.'

'Yes,' said the Doctor. 'The Balumin have powers. But even so, no one's completely indestructible. Well, apart from Captain Scarlet. But I don't think he was real.'

'How d'we kill them?' said Dash eagerly. 'You can tell us what to do?'

'Well,' said the Doctor, rubbing at his chin as if considering whether they were worth telling.

'I don't think you should, dear,' advised Mrs Wingsworth. 'They really do have the most frightful manners.'

'Go on,' said Dash. And he screwed his face up as he dredged from his memory a word he had probably never used before. 'Please,' he said.

The Doctor beamed at him. 'All right,' he said. 'I think the problem is with your guns.'

'Huh?' said Dash, cradling his own heavy gun as if the Doctor might steal it off him.

'Yeah,' said the Doctor. 'Pirates like you, you're gonna have guns that can do just about anything. Stands to reason. Your captain isn't going to send you off pillaging with stuff that's not up to standard.'

'She might,' said Joss.

'Shh!' Dash told her.

'So,' said the Doctor, 'if your guns aren't working they must just be on the wrong setting.'

Dash examined the heavy gun in his paws, looking for switches or buttons that he'd not seen before. There didn't appear to be anything. 'How'd we change it?' he asked.

'Ah,' said the Doctor, 'it's a tricky job and you need to be a bit clever. And it helps if you've got one of these.' He extracted the sonic screwdriver from his inside pocket, flipping it into the air and catching it deftly with his other hand.

'What's that?' asked Archie, like any young boy presented with some new gadget.

'Just a screwdriver,' said the Doctor.

'Huh,' said Dash, still wary. 'Maybe.'

Ah,' said the Doctor. 'You don't trust me. Well, that's OK. We've only just met after all. And I can see that nothing much gets past you.'

'Yeah,' said Dash.

'OK,' said the Doctor. 'Then how about this. I let you have the sonic screwdriver and you can fix your guns yourselves. It should be setting fourteen, and you just give the power cells a quick buzz.'

Dash snatched the sonic screwdriver from him, though his paws were not really suited to such a slim instrument. The Doctor couldn't resist trying to show him which bits to press, but Dash waved him irritably away. 'I can do it,' he growled. 'Not you.'

He jabbed the end of the sonic screwdriver against the power cell of his gun and pressed the narrow button. The screwdriver buzzed and after a second there was a click from deep within the power cell. Dash looked up at the Doctor, who grinned at him encouragingly.

'Very good,' he said. 'You're a natural.'

Dash hurried over to his comrades but would not let them take the sonic screwdriver from him. He pressed it against the power cells of their guns and pressed the button until he heard the click.

'Now,' he said, aiming his own gun at the huddle of Balumin prisoners who were busy chatting with each other at the bar. The Balumin were too busy gossiping and trying different cocktails to pay him and the other pirates any heed.

'You're not going to shoot them!' squealed Mrs Wingsworth from the other side of the cocktail lounge. She had, it seemed, separated herself from the general melee.

'Need to test 'em,' said Dash.

'Yeah,' said Joss, also raising her gun. Archie quickly did the same.

'But Doctor!' said Mrs Wingsworth.

The Doctor shrugged, his eyes fixed on the guns. 'We do need to see that it worked,' he said. Mrs Wingsworth hid her face in her tentacles.

Dash, Joss and Archie all fired at once. The Balumin, quite used to being shot already, did not cry out or respond. Only when nothing at all happened – not even a hint of pink light – did they turn round to face the badgers. It took a moment for it to sink in, then they started to laugh.

'What?' growled Dash.

'Oh dear,' said the Doctor brightly. 'Something must have gone wrong!' He reached a long arm out to Dash and plucked the sonic screwdriver from his paw. 'Oh yeah,' he said, holding the slim tube up to the light. 'I can see what I've done. Setting fourteen in a room full of canapés. Should have thought of that. Sorry.'

'What?' asked Dash, though his tone suggested he'd already resigned himself to the inevitable.

'Oh,' said the Doctor. 'It's nothing really, but you just disabled the power cells. The guns won't work any more.'

'You broke them!' growled Dash.

'Oh no,' said the Doctor. 'You did that. I was over here, minding my own business and you—'

Dash charged at him, drawing a dagger from the back of his sleeve as he did so. The Doctor stood his ground, sidestepping only at the last minute. Dash ran headfirst into the great bay window that looked out onto the Ogidi Galaxy. There was a dull and awful thud as he hit the toughened glass, which didn't even waver – he might as well have run headlong into a brick wall. He fell back, his wet black nose squished against his hairy face, and then toppled over, unconscious.

'That was clumsy,' said the Doctor, crouching down beside Dash to examine him. 'You just sleep it off.' When he was sure Dash had done no serious harm to himself, he collected the dagger from where Dash had dropped it, and slipped it into the jacket pocket of his suit.

'You hurt him!' said Joss, covering the Doctor with the gun they both knew could not hurt him.

'I suppose I did,' said the Doctor. 'But not quite as much as he wanted to hurt me. Now, I'm going to the bridge to talk to the captain. Are you going to be stupid enough to try to stop me?'

Joss considered. 'No,' she said. She dropped her useless gun on to the floor and went over to kneel by the unconscious Dash.

'Coming?' said the Doctor to Mrs Wingsworth.

'Me, dear?' she said, amazed. 'Why ever would I?'

'I dunno,' said the Doctor. 'Adventure. Excitement.' He nodded his head at the other Balumin passengers. 'This lot being really boring.' The Balumin prisoners ignored the remark, so he turned on them. 'Don't you ever say anything?' he asked. 'Oi, you cloth-eared lot! I crave the indulgence of an answer!'