I wonder if Benny knew. If he cared.

It’s a vicious cycle of madness. We should have, he shouldn’t have, why didn’t he, why didn’t I . . .

The fact is, it happened. And there’s no going back.

Now, I get to my feet and drag myself to the locker room. I think about last night, when Benny finally came out of the coma. The doctor talked to his immediate family, and then Mrs. Lewis came to talk to me. I was so relieved that he’d finally woken up. When days turned into weeks, it was hard not to imagine the worst, though I tried not to let my mind go there very often.

The two times he had surgery to relieve the pressure in his brain, I sat in the chapel and prayed. What else could I do?

“Is he going to be all right?” I asked Mrs. Lewis when she sat down next to me and told me the news. That he’d finally woken up.

“There’s still a lot we don’t know,” she said. “We have to wait and see. It could be a long, hard recovery.” She tilted her head. Looked at me with nothing but love in her eyes. “Colby, I know this whole thing is eating you up. I can see it all over your face. But you listen to me. You have been a fine and faithful friend. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Nothing to feel bad about. Whatever happens now is out of our hands. He’s a strong kid. A fighter. Hold on to that, have faith, and then, let the worry go.”

I got that funny feeling in my throat, and I choked the tears back. I didn’t want to cry. Not when I needed to be strong. Strong for her.

“I don’t know how to do that,” I whispered.

She pulled me into her arms. “Oh, honey. You have a life you need to live. It’s time to learn.”

I head home after practice because I have homework I’ve been neglecting. I tell myself that if there was news, good or bad, Benny’s mom would have gotten in touch with me. It’s probably still too soon to know what lies ahead.

Gram and Grandpa are surprised to see me for dinner. Lately, I’ve been coming home after they’re in bed and I just heat up a plate of leftovers. But not tonight.

“You’ve lost weight, Colby,” Gram says. “You’re not taking care of yourself.”

I sit down, and my stomach growls because I’m starving and everything smells delicious.

“I’m okay, Gram,” I tell her as she passes me the bowl of mashed potatoes.

I’m about to say something else when Dad walks in.

“Oh, how nice,” Gram says, getting up to set another place. “We’re all here together for a change.”

“Good to see you, Paul,” Grandpa says.

“How are you feeling, Dad?” my dad asks Grandpa as he takes a seat.

“I’m doing just fine.”

Dad turns to me. “Colby, how was your day? Hopefully life’s a little easier now that we know Benny’s out of the woods.”

Easier? Give me a break. “It was fine, I guess.”

“With the good news, maybe you guys can play a better game come Friday, huh?”

I stuff a big bite of mashed potatoes into my mouth so I don’t tell him how little I care about football right now.

He dishes up his steak, salad, and potatoes and then looks at me. “Son, I know this has been rough on you, but you have

got to try and put it behind you. You have to stay focused when you’re on that field. Benny’s a strong kid. He’s gonna get  through this. And you worrying about him doesn’t do him or you a bit of good.”

“Yeah. But it’s hard, you know?”

His eyes are kind when he says, “I know. But right now, there’s no room for error on that field. Until you sign a con-tract in February, anything could happen.”

I don’t say anything.

“I’m just looking out for you, Colby.”

This is where I should call bullshit.

This is where I should tell him I’m tired of him reliving his glory years through me.

And this is where I should tell him that I don’t want to play college ball. I want to go to college to study civil engineering, and that’s my number one priority.

Instead, I say, “Yeah. Okay.” And then I shovel more food in my mouth.