"Not two empty sacks, but with oats; and you forgot the sow."

"Go kiss your sow! Or if you don't want to, then kiss the devil!"

"Oh, touch-me-not! You'll see, they'll lard your tongue with hot needles in the other world for such iniquitous words. After talking with you, a man has to wash his face and hands and smoke himself with incense."

"Beg pardon, Ivan Ivanovich, but a gun is a noble thing, a most curious amusement, and a pleasing adornment for a room besides…"

"Well, Ivan Nikiforovich, you fuss over your gun like a fool over a fancy purse" Ivan Ivanovich said vexedly, because he was indeed beginning to get angry.

"And you, Ivan Ivanovich, are a real goose"

If Ivan Nikiforovich hadn't said this word, they would have had «an argument and parted friends as usual; but now something quite different happened. Ivan Ivanovich got all fired up.

"What's that you said, Ivan Nikiforovich?" he asked, raising his voice.

"I said you resemble a goose, Ivan Ivanovich!"

"How dare you, sir, forgetting all decency and respect for a man's rank and name, dishonor him with such an abusive denomination?"

"What's abusive about it? Why on earth are you waving your arms like that, Ivan Ivanovich?"

"I repeat, how dare you, contrary to all decency, call me a goose?"

"I sneeze on your head, Ivan Ivanovich! What are you clucking like that for?"

Ivan Ivanovich could no longer control himself: his lips trembled, his mouth changed its usual V shape and now resembled an O, he blinked his eyes so that it was frightening to see. This happened very rarely with Ivan Ivanovich. For this he had to be greatly angered.

"Then I declare to you," said Ivan Ivanovich, "that I do not want to know you!"

"A big thing! By God, I won't cry over that!" replied Ivan Niki-forovich.

He was lying, lying, by God! He was very upset by it.

"My foot will not cross your doorsill."

"Oh-ho-ho!" said Ivan Nikiforovich, too upset himself to know what to do and, contrary to his habit, getting to his feet. "Hey, woman! laddie!" At which there appeared from behind the door the same skinny woman and a rather short boy tangled in a long and wide frock coat. "Take Ivan Ivanovich by the arms and lead him out the door!"

"What! a gentleman?" cried Ivan Ivanovich with a feeling of pride and indignation. "Just you dare! Come on! I'll destroy you along with your stupid master! The crows won't find what's left of you!" (Ivan Ivanovich spoke with extraordinary power when his soul was shaken.)

The whole group represented a powerful picture: Ivan Nikiforovich standing in the middle of the room in all his unadorned beauty! The woman, her mouth gaping and with a most senseless and fearful look on her face! Ivan Ivanovich with one arm raised aloft, the way Roman tribunes are portrayed! This was an extraordinary moment! a magnificent spectacle! And yet there was only one spectator: this was the boy in the boundless frock coat, who stood quite calmly and cleaned his nose with his finger.

Finally Ivan Ivanovich took his hat.

"You're behaving very well, Ivan Nikiforovich! Splendid! I'll remember you for it."

"Go, Ivan Ivanovich, go! And watch out, don't cross my path: I'll punch your mug in, Ivan Ivanovich!"

"Take this for that, Ivan Nikiforovich!" replied Ivan Ivanovich, making him a fig and slamming the door behind him, which creaked hoarsely and opened again.

Ivan Nikiforovich appeared in the doorway and wanted to add something, but Ivan Ivanovich, no longer looking back, went flying out of the yard.

Chapter III

What Happened After the Quarrel

Between Ivan Ivanovich and Ivan Nikiforovich

And so these two respected men, the honor and adornment of Mirgorod, quarreled with each other! And over what? Over a trifle, over a goose. Refused to see each other, broke all ties, though before they had been known as the most inseparable of friends! Every day Ivan Ivanovich and Ivan Nikiforovich used to send to inquire after each other's health, and often talked with each other from their balconies, and said such pleasant things to each other that it was a heart's delight to listen to them. On Sundays, Ivan Ivanovich in his thick woolen bekesha and Ivan Nikiforovich in a yellow-brown nankeen jacket used to go to church all but arm in arm. And if Ivan Ivanovich, who was extremely keen-sighted, was the first to notice a puddle or some other uncleanness in the middle of the street, as sometimes happens in Mirgorod, he always said to Ivan Nikiforovich, "Be careful, don't put your foot down here, it's not a nice spot." Ivan Nikiforovich, for his part, also showed the most touching signs of friendship, and however far away he was standing, always held his hand out to Ivan Ivanovich with the snuff bottle, saying, "Help yourself!" And what excellent estates they both had!… And these two friends… When I heard about it, I was thunderstruck! For a long time I refused to believe it: good God! Ivan Ivanovich has quarreled with Ivan Nikiforovich! Such worthy people! Is there anything solid left in this world?

When Ivan Ivanovich came home, he was greatly agitated for a long time. Usually he would stop first at the stable to see if his little mare was eating her hay (Ivan Ivanovich has a grayish mare with a spot on her forehead, a very nice little horse); after that he would feed the turkeys and pigs with his own hands, and only then go inside, where he would either make wooden utensils (he knew how to fashion various objects quite skillfully out of wood, no worse than a turner), or read a book printed by Lubiy, Gariy, and Popov 3 (Ivan Ivanovich cannot remember the title, because the serf girl tore off the top part of the title page long ago while playing with the baby), or else rest on the gallery. But now he did not go about any of his usual occupations. In place of that, on meeting Gapka, he started scolding her for hanging about idly, when she was in fact carrying grain to the kitchen; he threw his stick at the cock, who came to the porch for his usual handout; and when a dirty little boy in a tattered shirt ran up to him and shouted, "Daddy, daddy, give me a gingerbread!" he threatened and stamped his feet at him so terribly that the frightened boy ran off God knows where.

Finally, however, he came to his senses and got down to his usual affairs. He had a late dinner, and it was nearly evening when he lay down to rest on the gallery. A good borscht with squab, made by Gapka, drove the morning's incident away completely. Ivan Ivanovich again began to survey his domain with pleasure. Finally his gaze rested on his neighbor's yard and he said to himself: "I haven't been to Ivan Nikiforovich's today; I must go and see him." Having said that, Ivan Ivanovich took his hat and stick and went outside; but as soon as he passed through the gate, he remembered the quarrel, spat, and turned back. Almost the same movement occurred in Ivan Nikiforovich's yard. Ivan Ivanovich saw the woman already setting her foot on the wattle fence, intending to climb into his yard, when Ivan Nikiforovich's voice suddenly rang out: "Come back! come back! never mind!" However, Ivan Ivanovich got very bored. It was quite possible that the two worthy men would have made peace the very next day if a certain event in Ivan Nikiforovich's house hadn't dashed all hopes and poured oil on the flames of enmity that were ready to die out.

In the evening of the same day, Agafya Fedoseevna arrived at Ivan Nikiforovich's. Agafya Fedoseevna was neither a relation nor an in-law, nor even a kuma 4 of Ivan Nikiforovich. It would seem she had absolutely no reason for coming to visit him, and he himself was not very glad to have her; nevertheless she would come and stay for whole weeks and sometimes longer. Then she would take the keys, and the entire household would be in her hands. This was very unpleasant for Ivan Nikiforovich, and yet, to his own surprise, he obeyed her like a child, and though he sometimes tried to object, Agafya Fedoseevna always came out on top.