"God knows what your saying! A big thing if a sow goes out in the street!"

"If you please, Ivan Ivanovich, I must inform you, if you please, if you please, this is absolutely impossible! There's no help for it.

Authority wills-we must obey. I don't argue, chickens and geese sometimes run around in the streets and even in the square- chickens and geese, mark you-but as for pigs and goats, I already gave instructions last year not to allow them in the public squares. Which instructions I ordered read aloud before all the assembled people."

"No, Pyotr Fyodorovich, I see nothing here, except that you are trying in every way to offend me."

"Now, that you cannot say, my most gentle friend and benefactor-that I am trying to offend you. You remember: I didn't say a word last year when you built a roof a whole three feet higher than the regulation measure. On the contrary, I made it seem as if I'd ignored it completely. Believe me, my most gentle friend, even now I would completely, so to speak… but my duty-in short, responsibility demands the observance of cleanliness. Judge for yourself, if on the main street suddenly…"

"Much good your main streets are! The women all go there to throw out whatever they don't need."

"If you please, I must inform you, Ivan Ivanovich, that it is you who are offending me! True, it does happen occasionally, but for the most part only by the fence, the sheds, or the storehouses; but that a sow in farrow should get into the main street, into the square, such a thing…"

"What of it, Pyotr Fyodorovich! Sows are God's creatures!"

"I agree! The whole world knows that you're a learned man. You know science and various other subjects. I never studied any science, of course. I began learning to write longhand when I was going on thirty. As you know, I came up from the ranks."

"Hm!" said Ivan Ivanovich.

"Yes," the police chief went on, "in the year eighteen-oh-one I was a lieutenant in the fourth company of the forty-second regiment of chasseurs. Our company commander, be it known to you, was Captain Yeremeev." Here the police chief poked his fingers into the snuffbox that Ivan Ivanovich was holding open while rubbing the snuff.

Ivan Ivanovich replied:

"Hm!"

"But it is my duty," the police chief went on, "to obey the demands of the government. Do you know, Ivan Ivanovich, that someone who purloins an official document in court is subject to criminal prosecution, the same as for any other crime?"

"I know it so well that I'll also teach you, if you like. It says that about people-if you, for instance, had stolen the document-but a sow is an animal, a creature of God!"

"That's all very true, but the law says 'guilty of purloining…' I ask you to listen attentively: guilty] Here neither kind, nor sex, nor rank is mentioned-that means an animal can also be guilty. Say what you will, but before being sentenced to punishment, the animal must be presented to the police as a violator of order."

"No, Pyotr Fyodorovich!" Ivan Ivanovich objected coolly. "That will not be!"

"As you wish, only I must follow the instructions of the authorities."

"Why are you trying to scare me? Really, do you want to send the one-armed soldier for me? I'll tell my serving woman to drive him out with a poker. He'll have his last arm broken."

"I wouldn't dare argue with you. In that case, if you don't want to present her to the police, make whatever use of her you please: butcher her for Christmas whenever you like, and make some hams, or just eat her. Only, if you're going to make sausages, I'll ask you to send me a couple of the ones your Gapka is so good at making, with pork blood and fat. My Agrafena Trofimovna likes them very much."

"I'll send you a couple of sausages, if you please."

"I'll be very grateful to you, my gentle friend and benefactor. Now, allow me to tell you just one word more: I've been charged by the judge, as well as by all our acquaintances, to reconcile you, so to speak, with your friend Ivan Nikiforovich."

"What! with that boor? I should be reconciled with that churl? Never! It will not be, it will not!" Ivan Ivanovich was in an extremely resolute state of mind.

"As you wish," replied the police chief, treating both his nostrils to snuff. "I wouldn't dare give advice: allow me to tell you, however, that you're quarreling now, but once you're reconciled…"

But Ivan Ivanovich began talking about hunting quail, which usually happened when he wanted to change the subject.

And so, having achieved no success, the police chief had to go back where he came from.

Chapter VI

From Which the Reader May Easily Learn Everything Contained in It

Hard though they tried to conceal the matter in court, by the next day the whole of Mirgorod knew that Ivan Ivanovich's sow had stolen Ivan Nikiforovich's petition. The police chief was the first to forget himself and let it slip. When Ivan Nikiforovich was told of it, he said nothing, asking only: "Was she brown?"

But Agafya Fedoseevna, who was present, again began to get after Ivan Nikiforovich:

"What's the matter with you, Ivan Nikiforovich? You'll be laughed at like a fool if you let it pass! What kind of gendeman will you be after that! You'll be worse than the woman who sells the sweets you like so much!"

And the obstreperous woman convinced him! She found a middle-aged little man somewhere, swarthy, with blotches all over his face, in a dark blue frock coat with patched elbows-a perfect office inkpot! He tarred his boots, carried three quills behind his ear and a glass vial tied to a button with string instead of an inkpot; he ate nine pies at one go and stuffed the tenth into his pocket, and he could write so much of every sort of calumny on one sheet of stamped paper that no reader could read through it at one go without interspersing it with coughs and sneezes. This small semblance of a human being toiled, moiled, scribbled, and finally cooked up the following document:

"To the Mirgorod regional court from Ivan, son of Nikifor, Dovguchkhun, gentleman.

"Pursuant upon the said petition of mine, which came from me, Ivan, son of Nikifor, Dovgochkhun, gentleman, in conjunction with Ivan, son of Ivan, Pererepenko, gentleman, to which the same Mirgorod regional court has shown its indulgence. And this same said brazen willfulness of the brown sow, being kept secret and coming to be heard through outside persons. Since the said permissiveness and indulgence is indisputably subject to prosecution as ill-intentioned; for the said sow is a stupid animal and that much less capable of stealing a document. From which it obviously follows that the oft-mentioned sow was undoubtedly put up to it by the adversary himself, the self-styled gentleman, Ivan, son of Ivan, Pererepenko, already exposed as a robber, attempted murderer, and blasphemer. But the said Mirgorod court, with its peculiar partiality, evinced secret connivance of its person; without which connivance the said sow could in no way have been permitted to steal the document: for the Mirgorod regional court is well provided with servants, it being enough to mention just the soldier alone, who abides in the anteroom at all times, and who, though having a crippled arm and one blind eye, is of quite commensurable ability for driving a sow away and hitting her with a cudgel. From which may be trustworthily seen the connivance of the said Mirgorod regional court and the indisputable sharing of the Jewish profits from it by combining mutually. And the said aforementioned robber and gentleman, Ivan, son of Ivan, Pererepenko, is acting as a fraudulent plaintiff. Which is why I, Ivan, son of Niki-for, Dovgochkhun, gentleman, bring it to the due omniscience of the said regional court that, unless the stated petition is extracted from the brown sow or her accomplice, the gentleman Pererepenko, and a decision on it is justly made in my favor, I, Ivan, son of Nikifor, Dovgochkhun, gentleman, will file a complaint with the state court concerning the illegal connivance of the said court, with the appropriate formal transfer of the case.-Ivan, son of Nikifor, Dovgochkhun, gentleman of the Mirgorod region."