He knew that denying me this was denying me something that I fervently needed. I needed to escape my thoughts, needed to escape my memories, and my torment over losing Cade. “There aren’t any others,” I said softly.
“Of course there are!”
“Abigail,” I said gently, but firmly.
Molly draped her arm around Abby’s shoulders. “It will be fine,” Molly assured her. “I need some help with the cooking and getting the rest of the supplies packed up.”
Abby gave a small nod but tears shimmered in her dark eyes. I managed a smile for her and gave her a quick hug. I felt guilty leaving her here, felt guilty hurting her like this, but it had to be done. It neededto be done. If we succeeded than we may very well be able to save her life, and the lives of many others. I didn’t want to hurt her, it was the last thing I wanted as she had already experienced so much loss in her short life, but I couldn’t stay here.
“I love you Abby.”
She threw her arms around me and hugged me tight. “I love you too Bethany, please come back.”
I closed my eyes, fighting against a wave of tears as I gently dislodged myself from her. I had to get away from her, before I couldn’t. “Good luck,” Darnell said softly.
Aiden walked beside us as we exited the building. He took hold of my arm pulling me back from the others as they made their way to the forest. “You know that I don’t agree with this.”
“Aiden…”
“Even Bishop feels it would be better if you stayed. If something happens to you…”
“He has plenty of my blood, believe me, I know.”
“That’s not the point…”
“I have to do this Aiden.”
As his dark eyes scanned me, I was struck by the stark differences in my brother over the past few weeks and they tugged at my heart. He was only eighteen, yet dark circles from lack of sleep and stress had formed under his eyes. His mouth was pinched tight; the corners of it were tugged down. Just weeks ago, even with the aliens looming constantly over us, he had retained a carefree air and youthful innocence that I hadn’t possessed in years. An air that had been refreshing and joyful, even for someone as jaded as me. Aiden’s exuberance had been contagious, his smile bright, and his quick wit uplifting. Though he still retained a lot of his old personality there were subtle changes taking him over that I didn’t like, and didn’t want to see continue. I wanted to ease the burden he had taken on, and this was one of the ways to do that.
“If you’re doing this because of him Bethany…”
“What are you talking about?” I interrupted sharply, angered and wounded by his words.
He frowned as he tilted his head; his golden hair was longer than usual as it spilled into one of his eyes. I was struck by how much of a man he had become in such a short time. Struck by how much he looked like our father. A lump formed in my throat, my eyes burned. I wished our parents could have been here to see the strong, brave, intelligent man he had become. They would have been so proud of him, and Abby. I shied away from thoughts of what they would think about me.
“Anyone with eyes has seen the difference in you Bethany. Ever since he was taken, you’ve been walking around like a zombie, barely alive.” I couldn’t meet his gaze; I became focused upon the people gathered by the tree line, waiting for me. “I hope you’re not doing this as some sort of a death wish.”
I swallowed heavily, my hands fisted at my sides. “I’m doing this because it may be the only hope we have,” I gritted through clenched teeth. I was resentful of his words, no matter how truthful they may be. “Who knows how long it will take us to get to Boston, or if we even willmake it to the city. The doc needs those supplies as soon as possible if he’s going to help anyone. This is the best way to get them.”
His hand was light on my arm; I finally turned my attention back to him. “I understand that, but I also feel as if you don’t plan on returning.”
My mouth dropped. “Of course I do!” I sputtered in indignation. “You and Abby…”
“I want you to return for you.”
I recoiled from him, feeling as if I had been slapped. “Aiden…”
“I want youto want to live again. Not for me or Abby, for you,” he insisted fiercely. “He’s dead Bethany…”
“Shut up Aiden.”
“No, you need to realize that he isdead.”
I glared at him; my teeth ached from clenching them so tight. “I know that Aiden,” I snarled at him. Aiden’s eyes widened in surprise, he hadn’t expected me to tell him that I had come to accept the fact that Cade was gone. “I know he’s dead, I know that he’s not coming back. I know that I am alone…” I broke off shaking my head. “Not alone, I didn’t mean that. I don’t know what I am anymore.”
“You’re not alone Bethany.” To my absolute horror and shame my chin began to tremble. I was struggling not to unravel, not to let free my pain and misery. Struggling to retain my shaken composure. They were already worried enough about me, I couldn’t turn into a sobbing mess right in front of him.
“But I am.” I took a deep breath, regaining control of myself as I lifted my chin and met his wounded gaze. “I love you and Abby. I love Bret and Molly, and I’ve even come to like Jenna a little, but it’s not the same. Nothing will everbe the same. Iwill never be the same. What I felt for him…”
My gaze drifted back toward the group waiting far more patiently than I would have been. I had never talked about my feelings for Cade, never shared them with anyone. I didn’t think they could understand the intense bond that had been forged between us in such a short time. Especially since I had been dating Bret when everything with Cade happened. I felt they would feel I was being childish, or that I felt guilty because Cade had sacrificed himself to save me (which I did), but it was so much more than all of those things. My love for Cade was the first really amazing thing I had experienced in years. It had been so different, so true.
“I loved him Aiden. I loved him with every ounce of my being. I loved him with a joy and wonder that I never even knew could exist.” I turned my gaze back to my brother, needing him to understand. Needing him to see I was not a silly child harboring a fierce crush, or a wounded person with survivor’s guilt. “I knew what soul mate meant with Cade.”
Though I knew Aiden loved me, and realized that I was far more mature than almost anybody my age, I could see the pity in his gaze. It was that exact look I had feared, thatlook was the reason I had never talked about my feelings for Cade. “I know that the two of you went through some intense shared experiences…”
“Don’t.” I interrupted sharply. “Don’t you dare minimize what happened between us, or what I feel for him. I am tellingyou what I feel for him, what I will alwaysfeel for him. I am telling you what was, is, and always will be. I loved him from the first time I saw him, I loved him when he first taught me to fish, and when he insisted that I be allowed to play with the two of you. I loved him when he was broken by his parent’s deaths and took to avoiding us. The night of father’s funeral he came and sat with me in the garden for hours. It was the first time I had spoken with him in two years.”
“I didn’t know that,” Aiden whispered, looking slightly surprised by my words.
“Throughout that whole horrendous time he was the first person I cried in front of, the onlyperson I cried in front of.”
Aiden’s eyes narrowed on me, his gaze became sharper, more questioning. “I didn’t know you had cried.”
“He never came back after that night. At first I kept going to the garden, hoping that he would return, but he never did. I was hurt in the beginning, wounded by his rejection but time, and the struggle that our lives became, eased it. And eventually I forgot about that night, eventually I moved on. Eventually I even started dating Bret, but you know how much I resisted that, how fairly platonic our relationship truly was. At first I didn’t understand why it was like that, why Iwas like that. Every girl in school thought I was crazy for not agreeing to go out with Bret right away, and then for being so distant with him once I did agree.”