I NEED MY SPACE

And just to show you my heart’s in the right place, I’m gonna start out by mentioning a few of the positive things about the handicapped, okay? First of all, the big blue parking spaces. This was a great idea. I think most people would agree, those spaces come in mighty handy (which is where the word “handy-capped” came from in the first placea lot of people don’t know that). They’re always right near the entrance to the store or the building, and I find that I can get in and out of the place in a hurry and complete my business with a minimum of delay.

STALLING AROUND

Another handicapped feature I enjoy are the extra-large toilet stalls in public restrooms; once again, an excellent idea. There’s so much room in there to spread out; it’s like a gymnasium. I can do some pushups, work on my kickboxing, try out a few dance steps. Occasionally I bring a picnic lunch. Nothing fancy; just a small salad, a bit of cheese, perhaps a delicate Bordeaux.

I find that once you’re locked in there, you can pretty much do what you want. About the only limitations might be common decency and a sensible re

gard for personal safety. One time, I had a few friends over and we played cards all night. The good thing was when one of the players had to take a shit, he didn’t have to drop out of the game for several hands. He simply traded places with the person who was using the toilet as a chair and it worked out great.

I mention all this because I want you to know I recognize some of the positive things that have grown out of this unfortunate obsession America has with the handicapped.

THEY’RE EASILY BOARD

But on this subject I also have a few complaints to make, the main one being this business at the airport of letting the handicapped get on the plane early. I don’t like the idea of people boarding ahead of me just because they’ve had a run of bad luck. It doesn’t seem fair. I think if a person’s had some bad luck, it should apply across the board to all segments of his life. We shouldn’t be going around trying to selectively fix people’s bad luck.

And what bothers me most about the process is, I’m not sure all these people are truly handicapped; some of them don’t look that fucked up. I think there’s a fairly hefty amount of bullshitting going on at the check-in counter.

ROLLIN’, ROLLIN’, R0LLIN’

The whole fiasco begins just before the flight, with the parade of wheelchairs. And apparently, just about anyone can get their hands on one of those airport wheelchairs. You know the ones I mean? The ones the airlines provide? Not a wheelchair some guy brings from home; I don’t mind that. I figure if a guy’s laid out money for his own wheelchair, he’s probably legitimately fucked up. And I don’t mind a guy gettin’ ahead of me if he’s legitimately fucked up. You know? Like if a huge chunk of his head is missing, or he’s got a whole caved-in

chest and two or three of his limbs don’t work. Generally, in a case like that, I’m gonna give the guy the benefit of the doubt. I say roll his ass down the jet-way and let’s get the fuck outta town.

But, to me, some of these airline-wheelchair people don’t look that fucked up; they just look oldand my guess is they’re lazy.

A lot of old people are lazy, because somehow when they hit their 80s or 90s, they think it’s time to take it easy. Old people aren’t “spry” and ‘full of ginger” anymore. Now they’re all just lazy. And frankly, I think they’re just try in’ to get a free ride to the gate.

RAISING CANES

But let’s get back to the actual process of boarding. As soon as the wheelchair derby is over the next thing you have to contend with is these people who show up with canes and crutches; what I call the quasi-handicapped. And even though I’m willing to cut the wheelchair people some slack, I’m not so easy on the cane folks. I’m convinced most of these jokers with canes don’t really need them.

And once again it’s the old people, tryin’ to gain sympathy and get to the front of the line. It’s obviously a scam: have you noticed, for instance, how suddenly these canes materialize? Out of nowhere? One minute everyone at the gate looks perfectly healthy, the next minute half of em have a limp. And before you know it there are twenty or thirty people leanin’ on canes. I’m convinced that somewhere in the airport (which has now become a large mall with airplanes as a side attraction) there must be a little place where you can rent canes. “Canes for Planes.”

But you know something? I’m not that upset. Not really. Because the best part about these “handicapped” people gettin’ on the plane first is that they have to get off last. Fuck ‘em, they always get off last. While they’re still

lookin’ for their carry-on bags and rectal thermometers, I’m halfway into town. You see? Life has a way of evening things out.

EUPHEMISMS: The March of Time

At we resume our look at the advance of euphemisms, we have to keep a close eye on the image-makers: advertisers, marketers, public-relations people. And to repeat an earlier point, it’s important to remember that, over time, this trend toward softer language has only gotten worse.

IT ALL GOT DIFFERENT

I don’t know when the whole thing started, but I do know that at some point in my life, toilet paper became bathroom tissue. I wasn’t consulted on this. I didn’t get a postcard, I didn’t get an e-mail, no one bothered to call. It just happened. One day, I simply found myself using bathroom tissue.

And then, just as my loafers were, becoming slip-ons, my sneakers turned into running shoes, and in no time, my running shoes became athletic footwear. It was about then that a trip to the department store revealed that my lazy-slob uniform of sweatpants and sweatshirt were now located in a section called Ac-tivewear.

The world was changing. I saw second-hand clothing referred to as vintage apparel; I saw toupees advertised as hair appliances, in keeping, I would imagine, with the dental appliances that had long since replaced false teeth.

YA GOTTA HAVE A SYSTEM

Of course, if you didn’t want to wear a hairpiece or a rug (nice old-fashioned term), you could always look around for a good, reliable hair-replacement sys

tern. Keep an eye out for systems, folks, they’re everywhere. The clerk who sold me my answering machine said I was purchasing a voice-processing system; a mattress and box-spring set is now called a sleep system; and the people who sell mops have not been resting. According to a commercial I saw recently, the Clorox ReadyMop is now America’s favorite mopping system.

And if you think you can escape these systems by going for a drive, forget it; your car has been systematically (get it?) infiltrated, too. The heater and air conditioner became the climate-control system, your brakes have been replaced by a braking system, and your seat belts and air bags are now known as the impact-mangement system. You can’t beat the system.

Marketers will always strive to make things sound more impressive than they really are; that’s why dashboards became instrument panels. But how’s this for laying it on thick? A magazine ad recently informed me that the cars depicted were equipped with leather seating-surfaces. When you get right down to it, you have to admit, marketing people have a ton of balls.

THAT’S ENTERTAINMENT

The upgrading continued: At home, I found myself watching animation instead of cartoons. And it turns out, all those TV shows I’d seen before were not really reruns, they were encore presentations. At about that time I noticed soap operas had begun billing themselves as daytime dramas.

Theaters felt overdue for an upgrade, too, so they became performing arts centers, or sometimes performance spacesin keeping with the spirit of certain nightclubs who now speak of themselves as party spaces. (The really hip just call them spaces?) While all this was happening in smaller locations, the big arenas decided they wanted to be known as events centers.