So, let’s first talk about don’t go there. As we all knowpainfully, by nowwhen you mention something someone thinks you shouldn’t go into any further, they say, “Don’t go there.” What they fail to realize, of course, is that, technically, by the time they’ve told you not to go there, it’s too late. You’re already there, because you’ve already mentioned whatever it is they’re uncomfortable with. At a time like that, what they should be saying is, “Don’t stay there.” Or, at the very least, “Please hurry back.” Sort of like “Wish you were here.”

The only time I would tell someone “Don’t go there” is if they told me they were planning a trip to Iraq. If someone said, “We’re going on our honeymoon to Fallujah,” I would immediately say, “Don’t go there.”

By the way, when one of those TV newsmen on MSNBC recently tried to get his co-anchor lady to react to some juicy celebrity rumor, she said to him, “I am so not going there.” And I thought, “Why am I allowing a person like this to bring me the news?’

BEING AND DOING

Another phrase I don’t care for is been there, done that. I, personally, am not so cock)’. I prefer the modest approach. Instead of “Been there, done that,’ I will usually say, “Been nearby, done something similar.” And by the way, most people don’t seem to know the complete expression. I heard Drew Barrymore say it on The Tonight Show: “Been there, done that, got the T-shirt.” It’s a little smarter and it hasn’t been overused yet.

WHERE WERE YOU?

Staying with this subject of location, when someone is ending a long-term relationship, quite often they’ll tell the other party, “You were never there for me.” Here, again, what they may be forgetting is that possibly at some time in the past they had told that very same person, “Don’t go there.” So how can they blame the person for not being there when they themselves had issued specific instructions not to go there in the first place? It seems unfair.

SO MOVE!

Additionally, many people who are ending relationships use another bothersome phrase: moving on. They’ll say, “I found Steve in bed with a carnival worker and they were doing unpleasant things to a chipmunk. So I’m moving on.” And I think to myself, “Actually, Steve sounds more like the one who’s moving on.”

Or they might say, “I’m leaving Armando. He beat me up yesterday in the

frozen-food section of the supermarket. He struck me in the head repeatedly with a Stourfer’s Lean Cuisine. I believe it was the Chicken Cordon Bleu. I’m moving on.” Occasionally, I get impatient with these people. When they tell me they’re moving on, I look at my watch and say, “Well, isn’t it about time you got started? No sense standing around here, talking to me, when you could be out there . . . moving on.’

I don’t know, I guess it all works out, because when I run into the same person a few months later, they usually say, “I’m in a whole different place now.” And I don’t think they’re referring to Pittsburgh.

KNOW YOUR PLACE

And by the way, speaking of geographic locations, why is San Francisco always said to be in the Bay Area, while Saudi Arabia is in the Gulf Region? Is a region really bigger than an area? And what about a belt? How big is a belt? The Bible Belt is bigger than the Borscht Belt. Maybe that’s because there are more Christians than Jews. But that doesn’t explain the Rust Belt. In the last several decades, a good deal of the US. population has moved from the Rust Belt to the Sun Belt. People changed belts. By the way, part of the Sun Belt runs right through the Bible Belt. That must be confusing.

ZONING OUT

And let’s not forget zones, especially war zones. The media like that phrase. If there’s any kind of explosion at all, even a small gas heater, they’ll say, “The living room looked like a war zone.’ Most of the time it’s an overstatement. Because when you get right down to it, the only thing that looks like a war zone is a combat area.

Then there his the opposite of a war zone: a demilitarized zone. Korea has one of those, separating the North and South. A demilitarized zone sounds like

a good idea, but I’ve noticed that wherever they have a demilitarized zone, there are always a lot of soldiers nearby. I guess that’s in case the demilitarized zone suddenly becomes a combat area.

Now, the Gulf Region has been both a war zone and a combat area. That’s because there were some countries who wanted to expand their spheres of influence. And also because of the big oil companies, who, of course, are in the.private sector. The private sector is quite different from the public arena. Dick Cheney was in the private sector, then he moved to the public arena. Although many of his acts in the public arena have benefited his interests in the private sector.

Getting back a little closer to my own experience, on a recent visit to my hometown, New York City, I was walking through the area that we used to call the Garment District. I noticed that the local trade association now wanted people to call it the Fashion Center. Not everyone wanted that, just the ones who would like to raise the rents. Fashion Center is another example of how desperately people feel the need to upgrade themselves; they just want to feel better. They want to expand their comfort zones.

Your comfort zone is not the same as your zone of privacy. A few years ago, when the press was hounding Congressman Gary Condit about Chandra Levy’s disappearance, he asked them to please grant him a zone of privacy. But of course, they couldn’t do that. Because Gary Condit was in the public arena.

As I wind up our little journey through Location Land, I regret not getting to one other place: where. And if you wonder where I’m going with this, it’s because you don’t know where I’m coming from. Or maybe you simply don’t know where it’s at. Either way, I’m leaving now. / need my space.

When people mention term limits to me, I usually tell them the only politicians’ terms I would like to limit are the ones they use when speaking. They have an annoying language of their own.

And I understand it’s necessary for them to speak this way, because I know how important it is that, as they speak, they not inadvertently say something. And according to the politicians themselves, they don’t say things, they indicate them: “As I indicated yesterday, and as I indicated to the president. . .”

And when they’re not indicating, they’re suggesting: “The president has suggested to me that as I indicated yesterday . . .” Sometimes instead of indicating or suggesting, they’re outlining or pointing things out: “The president outlined his plan to me, and, in doing so, he pointed out that he has not yet determined his position.”

Politicians don’t decide things, they determine them. Or they make judgments. That’s more serious: “When the hearings conclude, I will make a judgment. Or I may simply give you my assessment. I don’t know yet, I haven’t determinedthat. But when I do, I will advise the president.”

They don’t tell, they advise; they don’t answer, they respond; they don’t read, they review; they don t form opinions, they determine positions; and they don’t give advice, they make recommendations. “I advised the president that I will not make a judgment until he has given me his assessment. Thus far, he hasn’t responded. Once he responds to my initiative, I will review his response, determine my position, and make my recommendations.”

And so it is, at long last, that after each has responded to the other’s initiatives, and after they have reviewed their responses, made their judgments, determined

their positions and offered their recommendations, they begin to approach the terrifying possibility that they now may actually be required to do something.

Of course, that would be far too simple, so rather than doing something they address the problem: “We’re addressing the problem, and we will soon proceed to take action”