And I wish hotels would make up their minds on what to call the gym. It’s been everything: gym, fitness center, exercise room, health club. Spa. God! Spa-aa-ah! Used to be you had to go to Europe to find a spa. Now any place that has a sink and more than three towels is a fucking spa!

One more thing about hotels. A lot of them have replaced the DO NOT D1S

TURB signs with signs that say PRIVACY, PLEASE. It seems like a small thing, but there’s a difference that’s worth noting:

Do not disturb is assertive; it’s strong. Do not disturb! It means GO AWAY! But privacy, please is weak; it sounds as if you’re pleading with people: “Privacy .. . please?” Softness. To my mind, it’s one more example of the feminization of language that has taken place in this country. And, more important, it represents a retreat from reality.

PUT IT OUT, FUCKO!

Here’s another example of the same problem:

THANK YOU FOR NOT SMOKING. Now, speaking strictly for myself, I find nothing wrong with the phrase no smoking. It’s simple, it’s direct, it’s firm. No smoking! Any questions? Fine.

But thank you for not smoking. First of all, it’s weak. And second, for God’s sake, why are you thanking them? It’s as if you think they’re doing you a favor by not giving you emphysema.

Personally, if I were trying to discourage people from smoking, my sign would be a little different. In fact, I might even go too far in the opposite direction. My sign would say something like, “Smoke if you wish. But if you do, be prepared for the following series of events: First, we will confiscate your cigarette and extinguish it somewhere on the surface of your skin. We will then run your nicotine-stained fingers through a paper shredder and throw them into the street, where wild dogs will swallow and then regurgitate them into the sewers, so that infected rats can further soil them before they’re flushed out to sea with the rest of the city’s filth. After such time, we will systematically seek out your friends and loved ones and destroy their lives.”

Wouldn’t you like to see a sign like that? I’ll bet a lot of smokers would

think twice about lighting up near a sign like that. You have to be direct. Thank you for not smoking is simply embarrassing.

Personally, I think all of this upgraded, feel-good language is a further sign of America’s increasing uncertainty about itself.

GIMME A BURGER

Have you noticed that many restaurants can’t simply say “cheeseburger” on the menu. They have to get cute and over-descriptive? Well, why not go along with them? Why not use the menu’s own language when you place your order? But if you do, you must do it right; no fair reading directly from the menu. Instead, you must memorize the exact description given of the item you’ve chosen, and then look the waiter directly in the eye as you say:

“I’ll have the succulent, fresh-ground, government-inspected, choice, all-beef, eight-ounce, charbroiled sirloin patty, served on your own award-winning, lightly toasted sesame-seed bun, and topped with a generous slice of Wisconsin’s finest golden cheddar cheese, made from pure, grade A, premium milk recently extracted from a big, fat, smelly cow infected with flesh-eating bacteria.” See if that doesn’t get you good service.

But before the waiter leaves your table, ask for a glass of water. Say, “Would you mind bringing me a clear, cylindrical, machine-crafted, moderate-capacity, drinking vessel filled with nature’s own colorless, odorless, extra-wet, liquid water?” Pisses them off.

ROLL ‘EM

I’m never critical or judgmental about whether or not a movie is any good. The way I look at it, if several hundred people got together every day for a year or soa number of them willing to put on heavy makeup, wear clothes that weren’t their own and pretend to be people other than themselvesand their whole purpose for doing all this was to entertain me, then I’m not gonna start worrying about whether or not they did a good job. The effort alone was enough to make me happy.

NOTHING CHANGES

Dear Political Activists,

All your chanting, marching, voting picketing boycotting and letter-writing will not change a thing; you will never right the wrongs of this world. The only thing your activity will accomplish is to make some of you feel better. Such activity makes powerless people feel useful, and provides them the illusion that they ‘re making a difference. But it doesn ‘t work. Nothing changes. The powerful keep the power. That’s why they ‘re called the powerful.

Thti h iimilui in ptuplc’s belief that luuc luu uvctn/trtc evet ylhing,

that it has some special power. It doesn’t. Except one on one. One on one, love is incredibly powerful. It is a beautiful thing. But if love had any power to change the world, it would have prevailed by now. Love can’t change the world. It’s nice. It’s pleasant. It’s better than hate. But it has no special power over things. It just feels good. Love yourself, find another person to love and feelgood.

Love, George

Remember, drinking and driving don’t mix. Safety experts suggest you do your drinking first and get it out of the way. Then go driving.

When your toilet won’t stop running, and you put your hand in the tank to fix the chain, don’t you wonder, briefly, whether or not the water in the tank has already been in the toilet bowl?

If you can’t say something nice about a person, go ahead.

I’m not taking sides here, but in listening to a discussion about the Middle East on C-SPAN the other night, I realized I would rather tongue-kiss Yasir Arafat than ass-fuck Ariel Sharon. It’s got nothing to do with politics, it’s just a feeling I had.

“Is Bruno a sadist?” “Beats me.”

They say that rather than cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. They don’t mention anything about cursing a lack of candles.

Beethoven was a pupil of Haydn, and Schubert lived near the two of them. Supposedly they all frequented the same little cafes. I wonder if they ever got together and gang-banged a lady piano player. Just a thought.

If you’re a criminal, the best way to be is ‘”at large.”

We have classifications called “legally blind” and “legally dead.” What about ‘legally tired”? I think a guy should be able to declare himself legally tired, so he could get out of doing things he didn’t want to do.

If I ever have a stroke, I hope it will be early in the morning, so I don’t take my vitamins that day for no reason.

The American Eye Association reminds you that sties are caused by watching young girls get undressed.

You know what kind of guy you nf ver see anymore? A fop.

I typed the word Google into Google. Guess what came up? Everything.

TRUE FACT: The Professional Bowlers Association sanctions a tournament called the Odor Eaters Open. It’s probably because of all those rented shoes.

I wonder how many cvcniudl homicides have iciultcd from wedding ceremonies performed at the Happy Wedding-Bell Chapel in Las Vegas.

I’ll never forget Spondo. Spondo wasn’t able to sit around and talk about the good times, because in the sixty years he lived he’d had only one good time. And he would never tell anyone what it was, because he was afraid that if he talked about it, it wouldn’t seem as good anymore.

I notice Connie Chung has faded away again.

Personal ad: “Hello, I am Henri. I am fifty-five years old, and I am looking for someone who will leave me alone. Please respond. And then leave me alone.”

Christians must be sick in the head. Only someone who hates himself could possibly think of the pleasures of masturbation as self-abuse.

I believe the next trend in cosmetic surgery will be a procedure that leaves the person with a cryptic smile. Occasionally, of course, the surgeon’s hand will slip, and the patient will wind up with a baffled look.

Are you sick of crime? Well, some communities are doing something about it; they’re putting people to death for no reason. Why not start a similar program in your town? Hang a few people in a public area and watch those crime statistics improve. You’ll be amazed.