I wouldn’t want a bunch of chocolate in my strawberry shortcake, would you? No. Ergo, I don’t want strawberries hangin around my chocolate cake.

Chocolate cake is called chocolate cake for a reasonit’s chocolate. Leave it alone. Put the strawberries in a nice sherbet if you must. Or put em in a bowl by themselves, over there near the raspberries. But please don’t spoil my chocolate.

Hey, chef! You want to exercise your ego? Weave the berries into fabric and make a strawberry chef’s hat. Be as creative as you want, but stop fucking with my chocolate.

P.S.People who dip sweetly tart stawberries into liquified chocolate, wait for it to cool, and then eat the whole thing ought to be placed in mental institutions. What you should do is this: Drink the chocolate before it cools, then put the strawberries on your kids’ cereal.

And while we’re at it folks, nuts have no business in ice cream. Ice cream should be creamy. Nuts interrupt the creamy idea. Chunks of nuts don’t belong in ice cream. Put ‘em in a little bowl by themselves; put ‘em in a candy bar; stick ‘em up your nose for all I care, but leave my ice cream alone. And, in general, please folks, stop fucking with my desserts!

EUPHEMISMS: Food and Restaurants

Euphemisms and politically correct speech have also infiltrated the food and restaurant businesses. We may as well begin with the inflated job titles, since they seem to be showing up everywhere we visit.

In a truly absurd departure from reality, at some point waiters temporarily became waitpersons, as if waiters and waitresses were somehow sexist terms. For a while there, a few of them even became known as waitrons until everyone involved simply refused to call them that. Now they seem to have settled on servers. These servers are said to be on the waitstaff. Wait-staff seems forced, doesn t it? And it goes without saying, no restaurant to

day would dare allow a cook to cook the food; instead, the cuisine must be prepared by a chef.

An important factor to keep in mind with all of this restaurant and food talk is yuppie pretentiousness. I was in a Yuppie joint last year where the cover of the noontime menu, instead of saying menu, actually had the words lunch solutions. There I sat, unaware that I even had problems, and those nice folks were ready to provide solutions. Once again, I feel the need to emphasize that I actually saw this. Every example I offer you on these euphemism topics has been personally observed.

And before we get to the food itself, I just want to remind you that you can usually determine a restaurant’s price range by noticing how it advertises. If it uses the word cuisine, it will be expensive; if it mentions food, the prices will be moderate; however, if the word eats is employed, rest assured any savings you make on the food will be more than offset by high medical expenses.

Now, on the subject of food itself, I’m sure you know that certain foods have been altered. I don’t mean genetically, I mean euphemistically. They tried to do it to prunes. The California Prune Board wanted to change the word prunes to dried plums, because research told them that women in their thirties reacted more favorably to the phrase dried plums. California women in their thirtiesdoes that tell you enough?

And the poor prunes were not alone. A long time ago the same thing happened to garbanzo beans. Apparently, someone thought the word garbanzos sounded too much like a circus act, so they began using the older name, chickpeas. Also at about that timeagain, for marketing purposesChinese gooseberries became kiwifruit. And since it was obvious feminists would never use an oil derived from rapeseed, we were all introduced to canola oil. And just to round out our meal, the reason Chilean sea bass became so trendy a few years

ago was because it was no longer being called Patagonian tooth fisb. That item needs no comment.

And let’s not even mention capellini, which became angel-hair pasta, Jesus! Angel hair. And by the way, who was it that took the perfectly nice word macaroni and started calling it pasta in the first place? That sounds like more of that marketing bullshit. Never underestimate the relentlessness of the marketing people. Because long before we had yuppies, consumer goods had been getting image upgrades from the marketers.

For example, seltzer water has variously been known as seltzer, carbonated water, soda water, club soda and, finallyenter the yuppiessparkling water. Sometimes these days, the label on the sparkling water says lightly carbonated. Of course, that means they had to find a name for water that wasn’t carbonated, and since noncarbonated sounded far too ordinary, the trendier restaurants decided on flat water. There are even a few places that refer to it as still water. It’s subtle, but it’s clearly a decision that when it comes to beverages, flat may possibly be seen as negative.

Never overlook pretentiousness. Pretentiousness is the reason we don’t drink water anymore; instead we hydrate ourselves. Hey, I’ll hydrate myself to that.

EUPHEMISMS: Buy This and Eat It FOOD LINGO

Food-advertising language. You’re familiar with the words. You hear them all the time: Fresh, natural, hearty, old-fashioned, homemade goodness. In a can. Well, if those are the words they want to use, let’s take a look at them.

Old-fashioned

When they say old-fashioned, they want us to think about the old days, don’t they? The old days. You know, before we had sanitation laws; before hygiene became popular; back when E. coli was still considered a condiment.

Homemade

Right next to old-fashioned in the warmth and nostalgia department is homemade. You see it on packages in the supermarket: homemade flavor. Folks, take my word for this, a food company operating out of a ninety-acre processing plant is functionally incapable of producing anything homemade. I don t care if the CEO is living in the basement, wearing an apron and cooking on a hot plate. It’s not gonna happen.

Same with restaurants. Homemade soup. Once again, it doesn’t matter how much the four-foot, amphetamine-laced waitress with the bright orange hair smoking the three Marlboros reminds you of your dear old mother, the soup is not homemade. Unless the chef and his family are sleeping in the kitchen. And if that’s the case, I’m not hungry.

Homemade is a myth. You want to know some things that are homemade? Crystal meth. Crack cocaine. A pipe bomb full of nails. Now we’re talkin’ homemade. If you need further information, check the notes of Timothy McVeigh. Old Tim knew how to cook up little homemade goodies.

Home-style

Sometimes the advertising people realize that homemade sounds too full of shit, so they switch to home-style. They’ll say something has home-style flavor. Well, whose home are we talking about? Jeffrey Dahmer’s? Believe me, folks, there’s nothing home-style about the boiled head of a Cambodian teenager. Even if you sprinkle parsley on the hair and serve it with oven-roasted potatoes.

Style

Style is another bullshit word you have to keep an eye on. Any time you see the word style added to another word, someone is pulling your prick. New York-style deli. You know why they call it that? Because it’s not in New York. That’s the only reason. Its probably in Bumfuk, Egypt, the owner is from Rwanda and the food tastes like something the Hutus would feed to the Tutsis.

Another bogus use of the word style is in family-style restaurant. What that means is that there’s an argument going on at every table. And the eldest male is punching the women. You know, “family-style.”

Gourmet

Here’s another word the advertising sluts have completely wiped their asses with. Everything is gourmet now: gourmet cuisine in a can, gourmet dining in a cup. Folks, try not to be too fuckin’ stupid, will ya? There’s no such thing as gourmet coffee, gourmet rolls or gourmet pizza. Gourmet means one thing: “We’re going to charge you more.”