HE’S SMILING DOWN

After the death of some person (even many years after) you will often hear someone refer to the deceased by saying, ‘I get the feeling he’s up there now, smiling down on us. And I think he’s pleased.” I actually heard this when some dead coach’s son was being inducted into the Football Hall of Fame.

First of all, it’s extremely doubtful that there’s any “up there’ to smile down from. It’s poetic, and I guess it’s comforting. But it probably doesn’t exist. Besides, if a person did somehow survive death in a nonphysical form, he would be far too busy with other things to be smiling down on people.

.And why is it we never hear that someone is “smiling up at us.’ I suppose it doesn’t occur to people that a loved one might be in hell. And in that case the person in question probably wouldn’t be smiling. More likely, he’d be screaming. “I get the feeling he’s down there now, screaming up at us. And I think he his in pain.” People just refuse to be realistic.

THIS PUTS EVERYTHING IN PERSPECTIVE

This nonsense will often crop up after some unexpected sports death like that of Cardinals pitcher Darryl Kile. After one of these athletes sudden death, one of his dopey teammates will say, “This really puts everything in perspective. ” And I say, listen, putz, if you need someone to die in order to put things in perspective, you’ve got problems. You ain’t payin’ enough attention.

AMERICA’S LOST INNOCENCE

I keep hearing that America lost its innocence on 9/11. I thought that happened when JFK was shot. Or was it Vietnam? Pearl Harbor? How many times can America lose its innocence? Maybe we keep finding it again. Doubtful. Because, actually, if you look at the record, you’ll find that America has had very little innocence from the beginning.

LET THE HEALING BEGIN

This bothersome sentiment is usually heard following some large-scale killing or accident that’s been overreported in the news. Like Columbine, Oklahoma City

or the World Trade Center. It’s often accompanied by another meaningless, overworked cliche, “closure.” People can’t seem to get it through their heads that there is never any healing or closure. Ever. There is only a short pause before the next “horrifying” event. People forget there is such a thing as memory, and that when a wound “heals” it leaves a permanent scar that never goes away, but merely fades a little. What really ought to be said after one of these so-called tragedies is, “Let the scarring begin.” Just trying to be helpful here.

Consolidated International: We Need You

Were Consolidated International, and we might be looking for you. Are you one of those submissive people who show up, punch in, put out, pitch in, punch out, clean up, head home, throw up, turn in, sack out and shut up? That’s what we need, people we can keep in line. We just might have a place for you. Consolidated International: People making things, so people have things to do things to other people with.

THE FANATICS WILL WIN

I hope you good, loyal Americans understand that in the long run the Islamist extremists are going to win. Because you can’t beat numbers, and you cant beat fanaticismthe willingness to die for an idea.

A country like ours, preoccupied with Jet Skis, off-road vehicles, snow boards, Jacuzzis, microwave ovens, pornography, lap dances, massage parlors, escort services, panty liners, penis enhancement, tummy tucks, thongs and Odor Eaters doesn’t have a prayernot even a good, old-fashioned

Christian prayeragainst a billion fanatics who hate that country, detest its materialism and have nothing really to lose. Maybe fifty years ago, but not today when germs and chemicals and nuclear materials are for sale everywhere.

People who don’t give a shit and have nothing to lose will always prevail over people who are fighting for some vague sentiment scrawled on a piece of parchment. Folks, they’re gonna getcha; and it ain’t gonna be pleasant.

We can’t drop a five-thousand-pound bomb on every one of them. They will either run all over us or, in trying, they will turn us into even bigger monsters than we already are.

And don’t get all excited about this goofy idea, “the spread of democracy.1′ No matter who the United States puts in charge to bring peace and order in Iraq or Palestine or anywhere else, those people will be killed. Its that simple. Anyone who supports the United States will be killed. Peace and order will not be tolerated. Start saving your cash for the black market, folks, you’re gonna need it.

THE CHANNEL SEVEN EDITORIAL REPLY

ANNOUNCER: Channel seven recognizes its obligation to provide equal time to viewers who disagree with its editorial policy. Here, then, with an editorial reply, is Dr. Steven Wanker, a clinical psychologist. Dr. Wanker speaks as a private citizen.

DR. WANKER: Thank you. Are these channel seven people kidding? Hah? What kind of crap are they trying to pull? Did you hear that shit they said last week about the budget? Jesus Christ! I couldn’t believe it! What kind of assholes do they think we are?

And they’re always acting so self-righteous, like they know what’s good for us and we’re too stupid to think. I’m gettin’ tired of this shit. How about you? Hah? Fuck these people! Who do they think they are, with their goddamn three-piece suits and fancy eyeglasses?

And, by the way, do you know how long it takes to get one of these goddamn editorial replies on the air? Three fuckin’ years! Three years ago I started asking to do this shit! They kept sayin’, “Well, we’re not sure you’re stable enough to be allowed on the air.’ And I said, “Stable? What’re you fuckin’ people, crazy? I’m as stable as the next cocksucker!” I said to em, “Bend over and Til give you something’ stable!”

Fortunately, they were able to recognize the logic of my argument and here I am. But you know what I found out these assholes can do? They can cut you off the air if they want to. For instance, if they don’t like what you’re saying, they can just fuckin’ interru

ANNOUNCER: That was Steven Wanker, a clinical psychologist. Tune in to channel seven tomorrow night for another editorial reply, as schoolteacher Howard Boudreaux delivers an

opinion titled, “What’s All This Phony Bullshit about Drunk Driving?” And, later in the week, don’t miss Mayor Cosmo Drelling as he addresses another important issue: “What’s So Bad about Slavery?” Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. We now join Blotujobs of the Rich a?jd Famous in progress.

And later this evening, tune in Doctor Jim as he removes a wart from a lesbian.

KEEP TV FAMILYFREE

I’m always glad when some group of American hostages is released overseas, and they finally get to come home to their families. 1 him not glad because I particularly care about them, but because I get sick of hearing about them on TV, and I get sick of listening to their families. Jesus, did I get tired of all those whining hostage-families during that bullshit in Iran in the 1970s. “My husbands a hostage! The government’s not doing enough!”

Hey, lady, if you don’t want your husband to be a hostage, tell him to stay the fuck out of Iran or places like it in the first place. It’s a simple thing; you don’t have to be a theoretical physicist to figure it out. If you stay out of these places, you’ve got a good chance of not becoming a hostage.

And the media always refers to them as “innocent Americans.’ Bullshit. There are no innocent Americans. And whatever they are, they’re certainly not news. First thing you know, once they’re back they start writing books, one by one, and you have to endure the whole thing all over again,

seeing them on every talk show, regurgitating the whole fuckin’ boring story again.

Here are some more families I’m not interested in: astronauts’ families. Who cares about these people? Astronauts’ wives and children. They re not newskeep ‘em off TV. I don’t even care about the astronauts themselves. Anal-retentive robots wasting money in space. Andnot incidentally spreading our foul, grotesquely distorted DNA beyond this biosphere.