“HOMICIDE BOMBERS”
And in spite of what Bush has been ordered to say, they’re not homicide bombers, either. All bombings are intended to kill people, to produce homicides. Anyone who packs a bomb with nails and bits of steel, and sets it off in a public place, is hoping to commit homicide. This is true of any bomb, whether you drop it out of an airplane or leave it on a doorstep; you’re hoping to kill people. That’s the purpose. Killing people. In the case of these so-called suicide bombs, what’s different is that the people setting them off are intentionally ending their own lives in the process. That’s why we confuse the act with suicide.
HUMAN SHIELDS
During bombing raids in Iraq, the media liked to say that Saddam Hussein used people as human shields. That’s not accurate. Although it’s true they were used as shields, the fact is they were humans already. So if these humans were used as shields, they were human shields. They weren’t being used as human shields. Got that?
COWARDS
Bush calls the al Qaeda people cowards, and says, “They like to hide.” Well, isn’t that what the American Continental Army did during the American Revolution? Our beloved patriots? They hid. They hid behind trees. Then they came out, killed some British soldiers, and ran away. Just like al Qaeda. That’s what you do when you’re outnumbered and have less firepower than the enemy. It’s called “trying to win.” It his not cowardly.
Bill Maher may have stretched the point a bit when he said that air force pilots who release their bombs from hundreds of miles away are cowards; fly
ing combat jets doesn’t attract many cowards. But it’s not nearly as courageous an act as deliberately strapping a bomb to your chest and heading for the disco with no intention of dancing.
I will say this. Getting out of the Vietnam war through Daddy’s connections and then not living up to your end of the bargain is probably a form of cowardice.
“HEROES” WHO “DIED FOR THEIR COUNTRY”
The Port Authority of New York and New Jersey said that changing the name of Newark Airport to Liberty International Airport would be a way of honoring “the more than 3,000 heroes who died for their country in the World Trade Center.” Pardon me for pointing this out, folks, but stock traders, clerks, receptionists, cooks, waiters and building maintenance people in the World Trade Center didn’t die for their country. They died because they went to work. Not one of them would have shown up for work that day if you had told them they would die as a result. Try to get your heroes straight.
Not everyone who died in 9/11 was a hero. Hero is a very special word, that’s why we reserve it for certain special people. Not every fireman and policeman who was on duty that day was a hero. The ones who risked or lost their lives trying to rescue people were heroes. They acted heroically. The others probably did a good job and were very helpful, but heroes?
If everyone’s a hero, then the word doesn’t mean much anymore. And sooner or later we’ll have to give the real heroes (the heroic ones) a new name, to distinguish them from the rest of the pack. Too bad “superheroes” is already taken; it would have been perfect. But relax, folks, if I know us, “megahero” can’t be too far over the horizon. Although to be honest, I kind of like the alliteration in “hyperhero.” Let’s shoot for that.
WAR, GOD, STUFF LIKE THAT
These anti-war demonstrators are really unimpressive people. They’re against war? How groundbreaking; what a courageous stand. Listen, angry asshole, pick something difficult. Like religion. Why don’t you get out on the street and start marching around against religionsomething that’s really harmful to mankind. War is simply nature’s way of doing things; of keeping down the count. Religion is the problem. Get rid of religion and you’ve done the planet a favor. So how about getting out there next weekend and marching around with a sign that says HO HO HO! RELIGION MUST GO!? Come on, protesters, show some balls.
. . . AND THE HORSE YOU RODE IN ON
I can’t understand what it is people like about John Wayne movies; I think they suck. I find him inauthentic. Sometimes, when I’m clicking around the channels, looking for the least objectionable program, I come across a movie scene in progress. It’s in black and white, it’s clearly a Western, and it looks old enough that it could actually be fun to watch. I see guys like John Ireland, Barton MacLane, Ward Bond, Anthony Quinn, Charles Bronson, Dan Duryea, Thomas Mitchell, Lee Van Cleef and Brian Donlevy shooting each other, drinking and playing cards, and I get this great nostalgic feeling. Then John Wayne rides up. And I have to reach for the remote. It’s a fuckin’ shame. He spoils war movies in the same way. By the way, I feel the same about Jimmy Stewart. These people should not have been allowed to spoil so many perfectly good movies.
DON’T ASK THE DOCTOR
ANNOUNCER: Good afternoon, folks. This is Pedro Fleming. Welcome to Don’t Ask the Doctor, America’s only medical advice program based on questions that are not pertinent to the field of medicine. Here is our medical expert, Dr. Ned Gittles. How are you today, Doctor?
When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops
DOCTOR: Not bad, Pedro, considering all the sick people I...
When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops
PEDRO: Well, I have a malignant tumor inside my nose.
When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops
DOCTOR: Don’t ignore that. Take some pills. Do you have any...
When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops
PEDRO: Sure, lots of different kinds.
When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops
DOCTOR: Good, take some of them. That’s my advice.
PEDRO: And good advice it is. Well, let’s get started. Here’s a question from Elaine Trickier in Frog Balls, Tennessee. She writes, “Doctor, my car seems to hesitate a little when I accelerate from a red light, and I’m afraid it will stall. What should I do?”
When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops
DOCTOR: Don’t ask me.
PEDRO: That’s right. Don’t ask the doctor. How would he know? That’s obviously a question for a mechanic.
When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops
DOCTOR: Righty-ho!
PEDRO: For having her question used on Don’t Ask the Doctor, Elaine Trickier will receive a free rectal thermometer by Recto-Swell, the last word in rectal thermometers. See the new Recto-Swell line of monogrammed thermometers at leading rectal equipment dealers in your area. Try Orifice Max or Browns Personal Items for Inside the Rectum.
DOCTOR: Recto-Swell is a good one, Pedro. Sometimes I use mine when I’m cooking a turkey.
PEDRO: Great idea, Doctor. Well, folks, that’s it for today. Tune in again tomorrow when Dr. Ned Gittles will answer the question, “How can I increase my soybean yield?” on America’s favorite medical advice program, Don’t Ask the Doctor.
Stay tuned for Video Magazine, as beauty expert Mavis Davis shows a young albino girl how to keep her hair from turning prematurely brown. You’re tuned to Elaine and Joe’s Radio Network.
IT’S NO USE USAGEUSE
I object to the use of usage when it’s used in place of use. There’s nothing wrong with using use; it’s been in use a long time and I’m used to it. It isn’t
that usage isn’t useful; I simply have no use for its current usage. The use of usage should be consistent with good usage: I’d prefer to say, “My use of the Internet” rather than umy usage.” If I meant it collectively, I might say, “American usage of the Internet.” But so far I haven’t meant that.
And, as I’m using space on usage, I’ll use some more on utilize. Using utilize instead of utilizing use is one of those attempts to make things sound more important than they really are. Sports announcers do that all the time; they misapply big words: “He’s not utilizing all his skills.” They don’t understand that an athlete doesn’t utilize his skills, he uses them. The coach utilizes his players, but the players use their skills. Don’t use utilize when you should be utilizing use.