DUELING TALK SHOWS

Since last month Oprah had a special show, “Women Who Fake Orgasms,” this month, not to be outdone, Jerry Springer is presenting a nighttime special, “Men Who Fake Bowel Movements.” (Graphic video, foul odors)

DR. PHIL

In a special program, Dr. Phil welcomes famed psychic medium John Edwards to the show and they try to contact dead whores. Then, in a special pre-taped segment, Dr. Phil cures a woman’s fear of flying by throwing her out of an airplane. (Limited intellects)

EVEN MORE TALK

Two fascinating glimpses into the medical world as Montel Williams investigates “Doctors Who Intentionally Give Patients the Siff” and Maury Povich interviews “Twins Who Eat Each Other’s Feces.” (Indigestion)

DOCUMENTARY

Award-winning documentary maker Ken Burns continues his penetrating look at America’s history as he takes on a three-part study, The Great Cabbage-Fart Panic of 1860. The disaster, which lasted an entire summer, took the lives of thirty-five hundred people, mostly from lung diseases. The special sound effects heard required the services of over three-hundred Milwaukee men who were fed only beer and cabbage for seven weeks. Fourteen stuntmen died during the recreations.

MUSIC SPECIAL

Then, Friday at midnight, don’t miss Willie Nelson’s pay-per-view concert, Wankin’ with Willie. Willie kicks off the festivities in great fashion as he gets right into one of his all-time best sellers, “Too Drunk to Jerk Off.”

Then he introduces his guest star, Loretta Lynn, who sings her big hit “Your Love Ran Down My Leg and Now You’re Gone.” Willie then joins her onstage and they warble a pair of romantic love songs: “Kiss Me I’m Coming”

and “You Blew My Mind, Now Blow Me.” The pair’s tandem segment concludes as Willie serenades Loretta with his special new arrangement of “We Kissed and My Balls Exploded.”

Willie then takes the solo spotlight again with his familiar country lament, “I Shoulda Fucked Old WhatsHer-Name.”

And what would a Willie Nelson show be without a good ol’ cowboy song? This time he honors the late Roy Rogers and does an authentic western ballad written by Roy called “It’s Midnight in Montana and I Can’t Get My Dick Outta This Cow.” Home-movie footage of the original incident, taken by Roy’s beloved wife, Dale Evans, adds to the song’s authenticity. His faithful horse Trigger is seen off to the side brandishing a huge hard-on.

The whole shebang then ends with more vintage video, this time from Willie’s first special. Two of Willie’s great buddies, Johnny Cash and Waylon Jennings, both now gone to that big corral in the sky, are seen with Willie as they all deliver a rousing version of that definitive honky-tonk anthem, “Drinkin’ Beer, Takin’ a Shit, and Passin’ Out.”

As the closing credits roll and his band plays “God Bless America,” Willie is seen smoking a big joint rolled in American flag paper.

CONCERNED PARENTS

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

DAD: How was Debbie’s checkup?

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MOM: The dentist was very pleased. Only six extractions...

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

DAD: Great.

MOM: Plus she needs a jawbone graft and twelve implants. DAD: Must be that new gel toothpaste we’ve been using.

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

MOM: Yes! Patented new Choppersheen! Removes unwanted pulp,...

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

DAD: Choppersheen. Now in refreshing mint!

MEMO TO SELF

Here’s a piece of graffiti I saw scrawled in black marking pen on one of those newspaper dispensers you see on New York sidewalks. It said, “Rosie O’Donnell sleeps with her head between a woman’s legs.” I couldn’t help wondering who had written it, and under what circumstances.

I wondered, had someone simply awakened that morning and decided the time had come to share this little tidbit he’d been thinking about for a long time? And had he gone out that day determined to find a good place to write it? And this seemed like the best spot? Was it that simple?

Or was the person just out walking around and had this sudden burst of inspirationsomething he didn’t want to forgetbut didn’t have a piece of paper handy? And why didn’t he take the newspaper dispenser home with him to refer to later?

And I also wondered, if that was it, what kind of person was walking around with one of those thick, felt-tip marking pens in his pocket in the first

place? This wasn’t no Sharpie, folks, this was one of those serious, thick, chisel-tip pens that gets you high if you leave it open too long.

Its thoughts of this sort that seriously limit the size of my circle of friends.

ANSWER THIS, YOU PRICK

(Drum roll)

ANNOUNCER: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, this is your announcer, Dondelayo Prell. Join us now as we play America’s favorite game. Answer This, You Prick! The show where folks just like you, although, perhaps, less attractive, have a chance to win fabulous prizes. And now here’s America’s favorite prick, Anthony Boff.

(Applause, cymbal crash)

BOFF: Hi, folks. I’m your genial host, Anthony Boff. Our jackpot today is one hundred and eleven dollars, plus a trip up north. Let’s meet our first two contestants, Clark Fark and Dolly Drelman. What do you do, Clark?

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

FARK: I pretty much just sit around, Anthony.

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

BOFF: Swell. What about you, Dolly?

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DOLLY: No sitting around for me, Mr. Boff. I stand near the...

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

BOFF: All day? DOLLY: Except for meals. Unless I’m fasting.

BOFF: Well, you sound like interesting people. Let’s get right to our game. Just before airtime, a short backstage shoving match determined that Clark would get the first question. So here it is. Are you ready, Clark?

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

FARK: Ready as a bastard, Mr. Boff.

BOFF: Okay. Remember, the category is “People.” Now then, Clark Fark, as America watches, please . . . answer this, you prick!

(Sound of a clock ticking)

Damon and Sylvia Prongster live in Thighmaster, Maine, on the corner of Watkins and Schermerhorn. Last Tuesday, at six in the evening, a brown Chevrolet drove past their house. What was the name of the last mechanic to change the oil on that car, and what was the name of his grandfather’s first-grade teacher? You have three seconds.

(Music and ticking)

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FARK: Jason Warburton and Mrs. Amelia Day Higgins.

BOFF: Oh, I’m awfully sorry, Clark. Your answer is incorrect. The correct answer is Dudley Manoosh and Clara Wheatley.

FARK: Well, I just took a wild guess. DOLLY: I knew that answer. BOFF: Not fuckin’ likely, Dolly. FARK: I agree, Mr. Boff. I think she’s full of shit.

BOFF: Clark, I’m awfully sorry you did such a poor job. I see your family in our audience and they look ashamed. But you do win a roll of quarters and the home version of teacher-approved Answer This, You Prick! Play it with your kids. And we’ll add a dollar to our jackpot, bringing our total to one hundred and twelve dollars. It his too late for us to get to Dolly Drelman, but that’s just too bad for her. Don’t forget to join us again in June or May to play Ansiver This, You Prick! when one of our main questions will be “Who was the first person to strangle someone he had known for more than six years?’ Goodnight, everybody.

ANNOUNCER: Guests on Answer This, You Prick! receive a framed picture of Henry Kissinger and stay at the luxurious Hotel for the Malformed in downtown Watsonville. Watsonville: the last place you wanna be.