Okay, right off the bat, the first three commandmentspure bullshit. “Sabbath day,” “Lord’s name,” ’strange gods.” Spooky language. Spooky language designed to scare and control primitive people. In no way does superstitious mumbo jumbo like this apply to the lives of intelligent, civilized humans in the twenty-first century. You throw out the first three commandments, and you re down to seven.

HONOR THY FATHER AND MOTHER.

This commandment is about obedience and respect for authority; in other words it’s simply a device for controlling people. The truth is, obedience and respect should not be granted automatically. They should be earned. They should be based on the parents’ (or the authority figure’s) performance. Some parents deserve respect. Most of them don’t. Period. We’re down to six.

Now, in the interest of logicsomething religion has a really hard time withI’m going to skip around the list a little bit:

THOU SHALT NOT STEAL.

THOU SHALT NOT BEAR FALSE WITNESS.

Stealing and lying. Actually, when you think about it, these two commandments cover the same sort of behavior: dishonesty. Stealing and lying. So we don’t need two of them. Instead, we combine these two and call it “Thou shalt not be dishonest.” Suddenly we’re down to five.

And as long as we’re combining commandments I have two others that belong together:

THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY.

THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR’S WIFE.

Once again, these two prohibit the same sort of behavior; in this case, marital infidelity. The difference between them is that coveting takes place in the mind. And I don’t think you should outlaw fantasizing about someone else’s wife, otherwise what’s a guy gonna think about when he’s flogging his dong?

But marital fidelity is a good idea, so I suggest we keep the idea and call this commandment “Thou shalt not be unfaithful.” Suddenly we’re down to four.

And when you think about it further, honesty and fidelity are actually parts of the same overall value. So, in truth, we could combine the two honesty commandments with the two fidelity commandments, and, using positive language instead of negative, call the whole thing “Thou shalt always be honest and faithful.” And now we’re down to three.

THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR’S GOODS.

This one is just plain stupid. Coveting your neighbors goods is what keeps the economy going: Your neighbor gets a vibrator that plays “O Come All Ye Faithful,” you want to get one, too. Coveting creates jobs. Leave it alone.

You throw out coveting and you’re down to two now: the big, combined honesty/fidelity commandment, and the one we haven’t mentioned yet:

THOU SHALT NOT KILL.

Murder. The Fifth Commandment. But, if you give it a little thought, you realize that religion has never really had a problem with murder. Not really. More people have been killed in the name of God than for any other reason.

To cite a few examples, just think about Irish history, the Middle East, the Crusades, the Inquisition, our own abortion-doctor killings and, yes, the World Trade Center to see how seriously religious people take Thou Shalt Not Kill. Apparently, to religious folksespecially the truly devoutmurder is negotiable. It just depends on who’s doing the killing and who’s getting killed.

And so, with all of this in mind, folks, I offer you my revised list of the Two Commandments:

First:

THOU SHALT ALWAYS BE HONEST AND FAITHFUL, ESPECIALLY TO THE PROVIDER OF THY NOOKIE.

And second:

THOU SHALT TRY REAL HARD NOT TO KILL ANYONE, UNLESS, OF COURSE, THEY PRAY TO A DIFFERENT INVISIBLE AVENGER THAN THE ONE YOU PRAY TO.

Two is all you need, folks. Moses could have carried them down the hill in his pocket. And if we had a list like that, I wouldn’t mind that brilliant judge in Alabama displaying it prominently in his courthouse lobby. As long he included one additional commandment:

THOU SHALT KEEP THY RELIGION TO THYSELF!!!

THE FILTHY, DIRTY NEWS

ANNOUNCER: It’s six o’clock, time for Action-6 News with Leslie Crotchmonger and Dick Hopshteckler. Here’s Leslie with today’s top stories.

L: Good evening. First the headlines:

A giant man shits on Philadelphia.

An old man shows his soiled anus to a waitress at an Olive Garden.

A small dog eats a man’s balls and dies.

A crippled couple is arrested for fucking on a roller coaster.

Now the stories behind the headlines: In Philadelphia today, a giant man dropped his huge pants and squatted over Independence Hall. He then unleashed a …

(Dick reaches over and grabs Leslie’s script.) D: Fuck you, you cunt, you did the headlines.

L: Lick my asshole, you dimwitted prick. My name comes first on the opening announcement.

D: That’s because you blew the news director.

L: At least I didn’t blow a homeless guy who has the siff.

D: Oh yeah? Well, he wouldn’t have the siff if you didn’t fuck him in the Dumpster out back.

L: Eat my box.

D: Not without a gas mask, Dearie.

L: Keep fuckin’ with me, Little Dick, and I’ll tell your wife about the Cub Scouts you went down on.

D: Leslie, the way were acting is crazy. Let’s put all this petty, personal stuff behind us and act like professionals. What do you say?

L: Good idea. I agree.

D: So, what’s coming up at six o’clock?

L: How the fuck should I know? What do you think I am, a fuckin’ psychic?

D: No way! If you were psychic, you would’ve known you were gonna wind up with labia that hang down like satchel handles.

L: Thanks, Dick, that’s real clever. By the way, doesn’t that get to you? Being called Dick?

D: Being called Dick is a lot better than being called Dick Licker.

L: Eat shit, raisin balls! I hope you swallow a turd. Well, folks, that’s it for Action-6News. Don’t miss News at Eleven tonight as Rod Holder interviews a nun who’s been receiving obscene phone calls from a man who says he wants to chew her bush during a funeral mass.

ANNOUNCER: Action-6 News has been brought to you by First Bank, meeting community needs since 1849. First Bank: Experience Out the Ass.

THAT’S THE SPIRIT

I don’t understand these people who call themselves spiritual advisors. Franklin Graham, the unfortunate son of Billy Graham, is George Bush’s spiritual advisor. Bill Clinton had Jesse Jackson.

Here’s the part I don’t understand: How can someone else advise you on your spirit? Isn’t spirit an intensely personal, internal thing? Doesn’t it, by its

very nature, elude definition, much less analysis? What kind of advice could some drone who has devoted his life to the self-deception of religion possibly give you about your spirit? It sounds like a hustle to me.

GUYS CALLED JUNIOR

I have no respect for any man who allows people to call him Junior; I immediately think he’s a chump and a loser. To me, Junior means lower than, lesser than, beneath. Putting “Junior” on a kid’s name is just a way for a father to control and demean his son and prevent him from having an identity of his own. I don’t like that whole cult-of-the-father thing in the first place. But apparently some guys’ self-esteem is just low enough that they accept it. I have no respect for them.

Pro sports is full of these hopelessly Daddy-addicted athletes who wouldn’t think of taking a shit without their fathers’ approval. I especially have no respect for the ones whose fathers coached them in high school or college, or whose fathers played the same position they did. When I hear the sons of coaches and former athletes talking on television, they sound to me like parent-pleasers and ass-kissers. Why don’t they grow up?

Ladies First

I notice a lot of this “comedy” they have on television is about relationships. Do you ever see this stuff? Relationship comedy? Well, I don’t know much about relationships, but over the years I’ve noticed a few things about the two sexes, and I’d like to discuss them. Men and women: the big, hairy, noisy male creatures, and the smaller, smoother, but nonetheless also quite noisy, female creatures.