“Know part of it,” Saxon corrected.

“I gave it a fair chance,” I argued.

“You pined for Jake.” Saxon rolled on his elbow and looked at me. “I don’t think you realize how much you like him, Brenna. I think it’s ridiculous and irritating, especially considering what you could have right here, but I’m not judging.”

“Listen, it doesn’t matter what I think or want. Jake isn’t going to go along with this or any other stupid scheme you come up with, so drop it.” I pulled my knees up under my chin and held my legs tight to my chest.

“Can’t.” Saxon flicked my foot. “If you won’t have me, then it’s my mission to throw you into the arms of my half-brother. I like to keep it in the family.”

I ignored the more obvious attempt to aggravate me. “Why don’t you tell him that you’re brothers?”

“Why don’t you beat a dead horse? You’re good at that.” His tone was clipped again. “Drop it, Bren.”

“Take your own advice, Saxon.” I poked him with my toe. “Let me figure it out myself, okay? Thanks anyway.”

“Fine.” He smiled so wide his teeth gleamed.

Saxon finally got up and left the room, which felt much bigger without his overwhelming presence. It would be the last time we were together in this little semi-permanent room of mine. I snapped a few pictures, to help remember. And possibly, maybe, to help tell Jake the whole story. Someday. It was weird to think about going back to the States, where life was going to be basically the same as when we left. Oh, except that I no longer had my adoring/adorable boyfriend.

I thought about him on the plane ride, and it seemed like every mile we got closer to home, I wanted him more and regretted what I had done. More and more, Saxon’s idiotic idea seemed like it could work.

There was just one problem, and it weighed on me just as much as the initial problem of my attraction to Saxon; why had I ever even considered leaving Jake?

He was perfect in so many ways. Jake was kind and attentive. He believed in me and respected me. I was totally physically attracted to him. Sure, Mom didn’t approve, but she was basically fanatical when it came to anything that had to do with me. I couldn’t imagine a single guy who would meet her criteria. So what had happened? How had I been begging Jake to stay overnight and two days later been pressing myself against Saxon? My head started to pound.

I thought back to all the times Jake made me cringe a little, and I was filled with deep, relentless guilt. I hated that he couldn’t read and understand things quickly. I hadn’t even considered emailing him while I was gone, because I knew it would be agony for him to write back. And I hated the culture he had grown up in, the girls who had liked him and the things he had done with them, too young and too much.

What was weird is that I didn’t hate Saxon as much for it. Maybe because Saxon wore it like an ironic badge? Maybe because it wasn’t really Saxon’s birthright.? Saxon was a professor’s son, smart and athletic and socially something closer to me.

My face burned red just thinking what I was thinking. Jake was the best. Better than I deserved.

I could insist that was true all I wanted. The truth was, I had a superiority complex when it came to Jake. That was a seriously bad thing in a relationship.

And then it dawned on me that maybe our breaking up was right. If I couldn’t respect Jake one hundred percent for who he was, maybe I was never the right person to be with him.

My chest felt like it was being crushed by a vice, and I had to squeeze my eyes shut really tight because I didn’t want to cry in front of my mom, even if she was zonked out. Mom had a weird knack for knowing any time I was upset, and I was miserable at hiding it from her. I hadn’t had to sit with Saxon on the ride back. Lylee had been annoying enough that even my polite mother was able to brush her off completely. Anyway, Mom’s anti-jetlag plan involved an eye cover, ear plugs and total sleep on the plane. I couldn’t imagine that Lylee would have paid any attention to Mom’s desire to sleep. The Macleans were as annoying as they were charming.

The plane landed late, and there was Thorsten, a big smile on his face and his arms held out. Mom and I hugged him.

“We missed you, Fa,” I said, using my particular pet name for him.

“I missed you girls. A man only needs so much underwear time. I’m ready to put some clothes on and have my ladies back!”

Mom tucked herself into the crook of Thorsten’s shoulder and nuzzled against him. My heart bucked. Just then I felt a familiar presence. Thorsten and Mom were gathering our luggage on a cart to leave.

“It’ll work out, Blix,” Saxon whispered in my ear. “I’m on it.”

“That’s not reassuring.”

He took my hand and kissed it softly. “I know I’m kind of a dick, but I really like you.” His black eyes glowed gold. “It puts a halt to my natural assholishness and makes me a sometimes nice guy.”

I put a hand to his cheek and brushed the soft skin with my thumb. “So you’re saying you’re half the ass you usually are just for my benefit?”

But Saxon was serious. “I’m saying that I care about you. Even if I do some fucked up stuff, I would never want to see you hurt. That’s all I’m saying.”

My laugh caught in my throat. This was the other part of the complication with Jake. Jake hated Saxon. He wouldn’t approve of my spending any time with him. I didn’t want to irritate Jake. But I wanted to be near Saxon.

As much as I was whining about ruining things with Jake, there was a huge part of me that felt free. I was glad that I could let Saxon kiss my hand and tell me he cared about me without feeling that obligatory stab of guilt that I felt when I was Jake’s girlfriend. Maybe being someone’s girlfriend just wasn’t the right thing for me.

“I care about you, too,” I said, and I meant it with my whole heart. “And I think you should keep your distance from Jake when we get back. I can’t force you to do anything. It’s just advice.”

Mom and Thorsten looked over at me, and I wanted to just get home and collapse. I put my arms around Saxon and hugged him hard. “Thanks for everything, Saxon.”

He buried his face in my hair and sighed. “God, I wish you were thanking me for so much more.”

Then I went to Mom and Thorsten, and Saxon went to do who knows what. He had probably driven himself to the airport. Lylee could be flitting off anywhere. He said he liked his freedom, but, at that moment, the cocoon of love from my parents was feeling really good.

Chapter Eleven

Mom and Thorsten chatted and caught up, and I was able to close my eyes and try to make peace with my crazy life. I wanted to run. So many hours on the plane left me feeling cagey, and so many thoughts in my head made me feel a little like puking.

Finally, we pulled up my street, and I felt so happy and peaceful. I looked at the familiar trees passing out the window and when we came to our driveway, I felt so good, I almost couldn’t contain it. I ran through the door and it just smelled right. It smelled like home, and it was the best smell I could have imagined.

“You look tired, sweetheart,” Mom said. “Do you want to go and lie down?”

I told her I did. I hugged and kissed them both twice and opened the door to my room. Oh, my room! I loved the one robin’s-egg wall, the bright poppy bedding, the paper lamps, and glass-fronted bookshelves! I loved it all!

I was feeling so great, it didn’t seem like anything could ruin it. Until I saw my bangles, laid out carefully on my desk. They were the bangles I left at Jake’s house, because he wanted them as a little reminder of me even when I wasn’t there. I felt my throat clamp tight. They were a sign. We were over and he wanted to make it unquestioningly clear to me.

I lay on the soft down of my cover and felt the tears run hot and quick down my face. I burrowed deep under the covers and imagined I could smell him on them. I turned my head into my pillow and cried, long and hard. I muffled my sobs and let my body shake until I felt tattered and worn out, until there wasn’t one more hiccup or hot tear left. Then I slept, and it was a cold, dark, silent sleep.