“Thank you. For the ride. I was so tired, but I didn’t think Saxon was ready to leave. It’s just been kind of a long day, and it’s so nice to finally be home.” I clamped my mouth shut to stop the blabber that bumped stupidly out of my mouth.

“You’re welcome. Anytime. And I mean that.”

The air in the cab of the truck was cold and metal heavy. I put my hand on the door handle, but Jake had already gotten out and was headed to my side of the truck. My heart jack-hammered in my chest. I watched him through the streaked, mud-splattered glass of the front windshield, and with every step he took closer to me, my body felt more like it was about to seize with nerves.

By the time he opened the door, I wasn’t positive I could trust my shaky legs, but I managed to step out, so close I could smell the green mint on his breath, see the prickly stubble on his jaw my fingers itched to touch and the flicker of his pulse beating in his neck. It looked fast. Maybe as fast as mine? Everything in that second was happening too quickly for me to be sure of anything.

For one split second, it felt like we were right back in my driveway on Christmas, back when I hadn’t spoiled the magic, back when things were easy and the pull of his love was so strong, I could sleep with it wrapped tight around me, snug as a blanket all night.

He reached for me, and for one second I swear the stars swirled in the sky and the moon glowed brighter. He crushed me to him, and I knew that I hadn’t imagined his heartbeat was wild, because I could feel it pounding through his chest and setting mine to its exact rhythm. I dug my fingers into the stiff fabric of the back of his jacket and closed my eyes as tight as I always did just before I blew out the candles on my birthday cake every year. I wish, I wish, I wish…

But it didn’t come true.

Jake’s arms snapped away from me and he nodded one short, brisk nod. “Better get inside. It’s freezing out here.”

He got into the truck and slammed the door shut so hard the whole thing rocked a little.

I shivered in the driveway for two shuddery breaths before I sprinted into the house, closing the door with a quiet click just before the first of a thousand regretful tears poured out in a silent stream. The last thing I heard before I went to wash my face and wish my parents a good night was the sound of Jake’s truck pulling slowly out of the driveway and away from me.

  Chapter Sixteen

The weekend went by in a blur. Mom had a ton to do at school, and I had a few projects of my own. I kept staring at my phone, willing it to ring, but it never did. I spent a lot of time turning the thermostat up, adding layers to my flannel pajamas, and making cocoa so hot it burned my tongue and left the tip all raised and bumpy. I didn’t know if it was my general lack of sleep, the sudden cold snap that frosted all the windows, or the empty, gut-wrenching cramp in the pit of my stomach every time I thought of my ride home with Jake and all that was still so wrong between the two of us, but I couldn’t get warm.

Monday morning, I woke up after sleeping like the dead for twelve straight hours and anticipated feeling a little better, but my head felt stuffy and I couldn’t focus. Saxon tried to talk to me on the ride into school and kept asking if I felt okay. I told him I was just tired. I couldn’t remember what the teachers said. Every muscle in my body ached.

Saxon looked over at me during class with a worried expression and revived his threat about carrying me to the nurse, but I convinced him I was just a little tired. I could barely run at track. Coach made me sit out again. I was coughing a little, and there was a pain in my chest. I wanted to cough it out, but it just wasn’t working. I never got sick, so I figured it was just stress and residual exhaustion from jetlag.

Tuesday and Wednesday were pretty much the same. I just couldn’t produce many details about the days. My throat squeezed closed and my tongue expanded like a fat piece of sandpaper in my mouth. Saxon hung close by and tried to force me to go to the nurse, but I didn’t want to miss seeing Jake. Even if he was going to be wrapped around Nikki, I needed to see him. It was like a horrible addiction. He did manage to disentangle himself long enough to hold me by the arm and tell me I looked terrible. I remember his face looked swimmy, but so handsome it made my eyeballs ache. I think I told him that I was fine, not to worry, but I couldn’t be sure.

By the time I got home that night, Mom was there, fussing and worrying over me. I could hardly keep my eyes open to talk to her. I felt like I wanted to throw up, but I couldn’t remember when I had last eaten. I heaved a little, drank some cold water from the bathroom sink and went to bed. A hacking cough kept me up for a lot of the night, but in and out of consciousness, I dreamed and it was confusing and boy-filled.

When I woke up the next day, my room was too bright. I squinted against the light and felt the stress of being late. But this was really late! I jumped up and stared at the clock. It was after ten! I felt shaky on my feet, and a little nauseous.

I ran to the bathroom, and heard Mom call to me from the kitchen. I skidded out and looked at her, blinking the sleep out of my eyes.

“Your alarm went off for fifteen minutes, Bren. You didn’t even open your eyes.” She frowned.

“I never sleep through my alarm.” My speech slurred with sleepiness.

“I know.” Mom pursed her lips. “I think we should go see Dr. Hrabachuck.”

“No,” I said woozily. “I feel fine.”

“You don’t look fine, Brenna. Saxon and Jake both called me. You haven’t been yourself in school. You look worn out. Maybe it’s just exhaustion, but I’d like to have it checked out.” She frowned at me. “Go back to bed, sweetheart. I’m calling to make an appointment.”

Saxon called? Jake called? I felt a swell of happiness through my aching weariness. I wanted to argue with Mom, go to school and see what I was addicted to seeing, but I went back to my room and crashed, suddenly overwhelmed by the full weight of my tired body. Mom came in a while later and put her hand on my head, then murmured something. I heard her call Thorsten outside my bedroom door.

Then Fa was there, carrying me out to the car and buckling me into the seat. I remember being at Dr. Hrabachuck’s office. I remember his bushy moustache and his white teeth when he smiled. Later, Mom told me I fainted. She told me while she was crying and holding my hand, which I patted while I told her it would be okay.

It wound up that I had pneumonia. It had probably started as the flu, but I never got it checked out and it spread into my lungs. Mom blamed herself. She had been busy organizing things for spring semester classes, and she hadn’t been home to see me, so she never realized how crappy I was feeling. For my mom to miss something like a major illness was pretty weird, but we hadn’t been spending as much time together lately.

Dr. Hrabachuck put me on strict bed rest, lots of fluids, antibiotics and pain killers. I spent a lot of time coughing and even more time sleeping. I was mostly bored and tired. Mom had given instructions to the few people she thought might call not to. She told them I needed my rest. I knew this because Kelsie sent me a message on Facebook, which became my only window to the outside world after four abysmal days in bed.

Hey Bren!

How are you? Your mom told me that I’m not allowed to call, but I’ve been freaking out. Pneumonia! You really do it up when you get sick! Saxon has been really worried. It’s kind of weird, but also really cute. Maybe he’s not such a jerkoff after all. He’s been picking up your homework for you. I think your mother is going to let him drop it off Sunday afternoon if you’re feeling better. There’s a few celeb magazines in there from me and a really good romance novel; I thought you needed something interesting and not by some dead Russian to read. Call me when your mom lets you! Miss you! Hugs and kisses,