“I am ... troubled,” Lojur said, then lapsed once again into an uncomfortable silence.

“That much is evident,” said Lieutenant Tuvok, raising an eyebrow. He was seated beside Akaar, across the table from the Halkan navigator, an abstemiously portioned meal of bread and plomeeksoup set out before him. Lojur noticed that the Vulcan science officer also seemed to be going out of his way not to look at Akaar’s food.

It’s so strange that a Vulcan and I both regard this hulking[363] carnivore as a friend,Lojur thought. But he also knew that a kind, wise heart beat beneath within the Capellan warrior’s chest. Akaar understood the world in ways that Lojur doubted he himself ever could.

“ ‘Troubled,’ ” Akaar repeated, then raised his fork to his lips to take a small bite of animal flesh. He washed the morsel down with something foamy that he drank out of a glass that looked absurdly small in his hand. “ ‘Troubled’ is a word that says little. It is like saying ‘Klingons are violent.’ It is self-evident.”

Lojur’s need to unburden himself was finally beginning to overcome his sense of shame and betrayal. “May I tell you something in confidence, L.J.? And you, too, Tuvok?”

Akaar stared across his cup into Lojur’s eyes for a moment before responding. “I will betray no confidences. Provided what you are about to divulge does not compromise the security of the ship.”

Tuvok nodded, setting his fork down. “Lieutenant Akaar speaks for me as well, Commander.”

“All right,” Lojur said, trying to decide where to begin. “I have a confession to make. It doesn’t pose any threat to the ship. At least, it doesn’t now.”

“And what, specifically, do you wish to confess?” Tuvok said, prodding. Lojur knew that in addition to his scientific duties, Tuvok also maintained a keen interest in ship’s security.

“I ... am the one responsible for the theft of the Shuttlecraft Genji,”Lojur said simply. He looked from Akaar to Tuvok and back again, waiting for their reactions. But neither face betrayed any hint of emotion.

“I was under the impression,” Tuvok said at length, “that the Genjiwas stolen by Ambassador Burgess and our Neyel guest.”

Akaar nodded. “But they had to have help to get away with it. Access codes. Prelaunch assistance. False messages [364] to divert the attention of key personnel at critical moments.”

Then Tuvok displayed an uncustomary emotion: incredulity. “You are a navigator, Commander Lojur. Such specialties lie well outside your purview.”

Lojur felt himself blushing. “I like to cross-train.”

“It seems to me that you have but one ethical option open to you, Commander,” Akaar said.

Lojur could only nod. His appetite now gone, he pushed his tray toward the center of the table and rose. He paused for a moment beside Shandra’s empty chair. “Please excuse me.”

Commander Chekov sat behind the desk in his quarters, listening in silence as Lojur told him everything. His first reaction was one of anger.

But he reminded himself that because of the navigator’s unauthorized actions, Ambassador Burgess had laid the groundwork for a rapprochement between the Tholian Assembly and the Neyel Hegemony. It brought to mind another young navigator’s lapse in discipline.

“Captain” the young navigator said, “I wish first to apologize for my conduct during this time. I did not maintain myself under proper discipline. I endangered the ship and its personnel by my conduct. I respectfully submit myself for disciplinary action.”

Captain James Kirk stood in silence briefly before replying. When he spoke, his tone was surprisingly gentle. “Thank you, Mr. Chekov.You did what you had to do, as did we all. Even your friends.You may go.”

Chekov turned his chair away from his console, finally mustering the courage to face his captain. “Thank you, sir.” He rose from his station and headed for the turbolift.

The doors opened as he approached them. His old flame Irina Galliulin stepped out onto the bridge, nearly melting him with her dark eyes.

[365] “I was coming to say good-bye,” he said, nearly tripping over his tongue.

“And I was coming to say good-bye to you,” she said. “Be incorrect ... occasionally.”

He smiled. “And you be correct ...” He trailed off.

“Occasionally,” Irina said, grinning mischievously.

“Sir?” Lojur said, evidently expecting him to detonate any second.

“I have to inform the captain, Commander,” Chekov said.

“I completely understand, sir,” Lojur said. “My actions might have caused many unnecessary deaths.”

“But it may also have prevented as many. In light of the positive outcome, I intend to recommend the lightest possible punishment. Dismissed.”

Lojur rounded a corner in the corridor near Commander Chekov’s quarters.

Akaar was leaning against a bulkhead, evidently having lain in wait for him. “Well? What did Commander Chekov say when you told him?”

Lojur shook his head in confusion. “I’m not sure I made him understand just how serious my actions were. He doesn’t appear very eager to punish me.”

“Perhaps that is because he looked at your face. It is a map of pain, my friend.”

Lojur didn’t doubt that for a moment. But it didn’t make him feel any better. “I took a terrible risk with the lives of everyone aboard this ship. That is anathema to a Halkan.”

“What you did was in the name of peace. Your entire species should be proud of that.”

“They wouldn’t be if things had gone differently.”

Akaar’s eyes widened. “There will always be an infinite number of ways that things might have gone differently. You must make peace with those might-have-beens. Then let them go.”

[366] “Shandra,” Lojur whispered. “You’re talking about Shandra.”

Akaar nodded. “The most painful of your might-have-beens. You still mourn her, and you always will, I expect. Even for one bred to peace, it can be difficult to allow such a loss to go unavenged. You felt the need to act.”

“And I nearly committed murder,” Lojur said, shutting his eyes. He could never forget firing his phaser at the unarmed Jerdahn. Had Akaar not intervened then ...

“But you did notcommit murder,” Akaar said, lancing him with his deep brown eyes. “Instead, you channeled your need to act into deeds that may have saved countless lives.”

Was it my desire for revenge against the Neyel that saved the ship?Lojur thought, suddenly feeling as sick as he had after he had killed the Orions who had raided Kotha Village. How could such an evil impulse ever serve a good purpose?

Peace. War. Love. Dead Kothans. Green-skinned corpses. Revenge. They swirled about his consciousness kaleidoscopically. He felt estranged from Starfleet and its ideals, just as he had been shunned by the Kotha Village Elders.

More confused by his conflicting emotions than he’d been since on that horrible day in Kotha, Lojur realized that he had only one place left to turn.

“Come,” Tuvok said in answer to the door chime. He rose from his meditation mat, taking care not to disturb the geodesic shape of a half-assembled kal-tohpuzzle he’d left sitting on a nearby table. Tuvok had always found the game a highly effective aid to his concentration.

The door slid open, admitting Lojur. “I hope I am not interrupting anything, Lieutenant Tuvok.”

“I was just finishing my meditations, Commander. How can I help you?”

[367] Lojur seemed more tentative and hesitant than Tuvok had ever seen him. He was clearly in distress, just as Tuvok was beginning to realize that he had no idea how to help his friend, Lojur broke the silence.

“Why are you leaving Starfleet, Tuvok? Really.”

Tuvok looked his friend in the eye. Since this was not the mess hall, and since he knew he could count on the Halkan’s discretion, he decided to be completely candid.