Just like that we connect again and our hearts beat together,

erratic and untamed but still together. And that’s all that matters.

It’s just him and me, shielded from the shouting and yelling going

on around us. He backs up to the truck, holding onto me, and

opens the door. Without taking his eyes off me, he climbs in and

slams the door shut. The warm air engulfs us as we hold onto each

other. Seconds later the driver’s-side door opens and Seth hops in

and Luke follows. The shouting enters the cab, but the cranking of

the heater and stereo stifle it. As we’re backing away, I realize that I’m not alone in the world. I have a truck full of people who care

about me enough to not ask what the fuss was about. One day I’ll

give them all hugs for it.

Kayden starts smoothing his hand down the back of my head

and his pulse is beating through his fingertips. He keeps kissing

my head and mutters that it’ll be okay. I’m not sure if he’s talking

to me or himself.

When I feel the truck driving down the road, I finally look

back at the house. My mom is standing in the middle of the

driveway in the snowfall without a jacket or shoes on. She has to

be cold, but her face looks red in the dim porch light. My dad’s on

the steps, dressed in jeans and his favorite jersey, scratching his

head. And Caleb is nowhere to be seen.

I wish that’s how it always was. I wish he would just

disappear and my mom and dad would wave at me from the

driveway, letting me live the life I should have had a long time ago.

Kayden

I can tell she’s worried about me and I’m pretty sure that if

we were alone, she’d tell me that we shouldn’t go on the trip. She

thinks I’m going to break apart, but the only time I’m not

completely broken is when I’m around her. At least that’s what I’m

thinking while Luke and I wait for Seth and her to come out of the

garage.

Luke lights up a cigarette as we wait. Neither of us speaks as

he inhales and exhales puff after puff and the heater drowns out

the chill in the air as he cracks his window.

“Okay,” he says as he sticks his arm through the open

window and ashes the cigarette. “I just want to know one thing.”

I stare at the garage in front of us and at the headlights

lighting up the tire tracks in the snow. “And what’s that?” I ask,

unsure if I want to hear his response.

He puts the end of the cigarette back into his mouth as he

tosses the pack onto the dash. He sucks in a deep breath and

exhales the smoke as he relaxes back in the seat. “Was it worth it?”

“Hitting Caleb?” I check without looking at him.

The smell of smoke gets stronger as he sucks in another

lungful. “Yeah.”

My gaze elevates past the stairway to the upper section of

the garage. The light is on inside of the small room and I can see

Callie and Seth’s figures moving back and forth in front of the

window. I remember what Callie and I did the last time we were up

there, how she felt while I was inside her—how I felt.

“Yes.” It’s a small word that doesn’t really mean anything, yet

it does. In fact, I think it means something more than I’m ready to

admit to myself.

He puts the cigarette into his mouth again and the paper

withers and glows orange as he sucks in a deep drag. “So… are you

doing okay with everything?”

I drum my fingers on top of the door handle. “Yeah, I’m

okay.”

He clips his fingers around the cigarette and removes it from

his mouth, breathing out the smoke and it fills up the cab. “Are

you sure… because if you ever need to talk or anything, I’m here.”

It’s the deepest conversation we’ve had and I think I know

why we’re having it. Luke’s older sister, Amy, took her own life.

Right after it happened, he got really wasted one night and started

crying in front of me, blaming himself because he didn’t notice any

signs.

I nod. “I promise I’m good.”

Luke and I stay quiet until Callie and Seth come out and I

start to relax again. Then all hell breaks loose as the side door to

the house swings open.

“No fucking way,” Luke says as Caleb steps outside. “Shit,

Kayden…”

I’m already climbing out. My fists are balled, adrenaline is

thrashing in my body, and I don’t know what I’m going to do.

Every emotion I felt that night consumes me again, the good and

the bad ones. Caleb sees me and smarts off, adding fuel to the

flames raging inside me. I’m about to do something that’ll

probably ruin my life forever when Callie throws herself onto me.

She keeps begging me to stop, for her, please. But Caleb keeps

going, calling her a slut, and I want to kill him. I actually feel it, the need to beat him to death, and for a divided second it’s all a feel,

possessed to make it happen.

Then Callie’s gazing at me with her beautiful blue eyes and

she looks like she’s about to cry. She utters six little words that

change my life and scar my soul forever.

“I can’t do this without you,” she whispers, hugging me like

I’m her lifeline.

All of a sudden I know I can’t do anything to him, because

it’ll hurt her more than it’ll probably hurt Caleb. So I back away and climb into the truck, holding onto her to keep myself from falling

into the darkness.

* * *

No one speaks for most of the drive. It’s like we’re all too

afraid to be the first voice heard and too afraid of what might

come out of our mouths. Callie has her head resting on my

shoulder and she keeps running her finger along the inside of my

wrist. I know she can feel the healing scars on my skin and it makes

me uneasy, but I don’t pull back. If she needs to touch me, then

she can touch me.

Her phone keeps going off, playing Blue October’s “Hate

Me,” but she keeps silencing it.

“It’ll be okay,” she whispers, and then minutes later she drifts

asleep, practically balling herself onto my lap because there’s

barely any room to move with four people squished in the single

cab. But it is what it is and we don’t need any more.

Luke drives for half the night, determined to get there as

quickly as possible. I offer to drive a few times, but he declines

each time. The radio is blasting a little Chevelle and the clouds

fade the closer we get to the ocean and the stars dot the sky. I

wonder if it’s possible to fix myself and turn into someone else.

Someone I’ve never known. Someone who doesn’t cut themself,

who doesn’t want to feel pain over emotion, someone who can be

worthy to hold her like I am right now.