everyone knew. So he took me home and started hitting me, which

he’s done a lot. But I hit him back, which I’d never done before.

And then things got out of hand. We knocked some knives onto

the floor and the next thing I knew he’d stabbed one into me. I’m

not even sure if he meant to do it or if it happened by accident.”

The words pour out of me like blood, and with each breath I take,

my lungs start expanding wider and more powerfully. I feel like I’m

free for the first time in my life. Free from my childhood. Free from my scars. Free from the cuts, the bruises, the razors, the pain.

By the time I’m finished, I’ve stopped clenching my fists and

my fingers are stretched out in front of me. I wait for Doug to say

something, but instead he flags down a waitress with his hand.

She’s a middle-aged woman with blonde hair braided at the

back of her head. She’s wearing a bright blue dress and a white

apron. In her hand are a pen and an order book. “What can I get ya

two lovely gentlemen tonight?” she asks, poising her pen over the

notebook.

“I’ll have some pancakes, toast with strawberry jam, and a tall

cup of milk,” Doug says and looks at me with a small smile.

“Kayden, go ahead and order whatever you want. And make sure

it’s enough to get you through the next few hours.”

“The next few hours?” I question. “Is that really necessary?”

He nods. “Yeah, I want you to tell me everything that

happened.”

“Everything?” It’s an unfathomable, unreachable idea to me.

“Like what? You want me to pour my fucking heart and soul out to

you.”

The waitress frowns at my language and also probably

because the conversation has headed in a strange direction. I

wonder who she thinks we are. And why we’re here. I’m kind of

wondering the same thing myself.

“Everything. I want you to start from the beginning,” he says

and sets a menu down in front of me, giving it a tap with his finger.

I order a large stack of pancakes, bacon, and toast and the

waitress smiles before walking away. I say nothing at first, fidgeting with the salt and pepper shakers to keep myself from scratching at

my skin. I keep waiting and waiting for Doug to speak, but he just

sits there silently, watching a television over my shoulder.

The silence eventually rips my sanity open and I trace the

cracks in the table. “How far do you want me to go back?”

“Back to the very first time your father hurt you,” he speaks

calmly, looking away from the television to me.

My lungs expand as I inhale, preparing myself for what I’m

about to do. “That was about fifteen years ago. You really want me

to go all the way back?”

He has this comforting smile on his face. One I’ve never seen

on any of the adults I’ve known. “I want you to tell me everything.

Don’t hold back. Let it all out.”

I open my mouth, knowing that when I let it out everything

will change. And I pray to God it’s a good change.

Callie

Seth and I are getting ready for bed, not saying much to

each other, and Luke walked out to smoke and fill up the ice

bucket. It’s been about an hour since Kayden took off and I can’t

stop thinking about him and what he’s doing; if he’s really talking

to his therapist like he said, and if so, if it’s going well.

Seth walks out of the bathroom as I’m getting underneath

the covers. He’s wearing green and navy blue plaid pajama

bottoms and a white T-shirt, and he’s brushing his teeth.

For a second he just watches me. “I called Greyson,” he

announces, his voice a little jumbled because he has a mouthful of

toothpaste.

I fluff the lumpy pillow and then turn on my side. “Did you

work everything out?” From under the blanket, I cross all my

fingers, hoping he did.

He nods, returning to the bathroom to spit out the

toothpaste. He rinses his toothbrush off, sets it on the counter, and then climbs into bed with me. He rolls to the side, turns the

television on, and clicks the lamp off.

“I told him I loved him,” he says inaudibility and it takes a

minute for his words to register inside my head.

“You love him? You never told me that?”

“I do. Like a lot.”

I uncross my fingers. “And what did he say?”

“I love you too,” he says and I hear the smile through his

voice. He’s happy, which makes me happy even under the

circumstances.

I’m a little envious of him, for being able to say the truth and

put himself unconditionally out there to someone. “Seth… I’m

really happy for you.”

Laughter flows from him. “I’m really happy for me too.”

The room stills and a little while later Luke walks in and

climbs into bed. It makes me a little uneasy with him sleeping in

the same room as me, but it’s not as bad as I thought when they

first mentioned sharing a room—to split the costs—back when we

were in the truck.

I toss and turn for another hour or so. The clock is glowing

against the darkness and snowflakes start to strike the window.

The heater is clanking and there’s banging coming from the room

next door. I can hear Seth’s loud breathing—I can hear everything.

It’s almost one o’clock in the morning when I decide it’s time to

face one of my fears. I’m not even sure what brings me to the

conclusion. Maybe it’s Seth’s bravery or maybe it’s that I really

need to get it off my chest. I’ve been placing too much on it

already and perhaps it’s time to clear the pressure completely.

I’m going to tell Kayden how I feel. Because he deserves to

know that someone loves him, even if he doesn’t love me back. I

grab my phone and notebook from the nightstand and tiptoe over

to the bathroom. Flipping the lights on and then shutting the door,

I dial his number and open my notebook to his letter. It goes

straight to his voicemail like it has the last few times I called him. I take a deep breath and begin reading out loud what I feel,

admitting the truth and putting myself out there, even though it

terrifies me.

Maybe, if I’m lucky, this step will help me get to the next

admission in my future.

Kayden

Doug and I are still at the diner when the sun starts to

ascend from behind the snowy mountains. The waitress starts

pulling the shades down on the windows as the sunlight shines

into the restaurant. She flips off the neon signs both inside and

out, preparing for another morning.

I sit across from Doug, finishing up a very long story,