I did Golden Girl Shampoo ads-the one where the Girl is standing astride her bike, the one where she's playing Frisbee on the beach, the one where she's standing on the balcony of her apartment with a drink in her hand. I've done short-story illustrations for most of the big slicks, but I broke into that field doing fast illustrations for the stories in the sleazier men's magazines. I've done some movie posters. The money comes in. We keep our heads nicely above water.

I had one final show in Bridgeton, just last summer. I showed nine canvases that I had painted in five years, and I sold six of them. The one I absolutely would not sell showed the Federal market, by some queer coincidence. The perspective was from the far end of the parking lot. In my picture, the parking lot was empty except for a line of Campbell's Beans and Franks cans, each one larger than the last as they marched toward the viewer's eye. The last one appeared to be about eight feet tall. The picture was titled Beans and False Perspective. A man from California who was a top exec in some company that makes tennis balls and rackets and who knows what other sports equipment seemed to want that picture very badly, and would not take no for an answer in spite of the NFS card tucked into the bottom left-hand corner of the spare wooden frame. He began at six hundred dollars and worked his way up to four thousand. He said he wanted it for his study. I would not let him have it, and he went away sorely puzzled. Even so, he didn't quite give up; he left his card in case I changed my mind.

I could have used the money-that was the year we put the addition on the house and bought the four-wheel-drive-but I just couldn't sell it. I couldn't sell it because I felt it was the best painting I had ever done and I wanted it to look at after someone would ask me, with totally unconscious cruelty, when I was going to do something serious.

Then I happened to show it to Ollie Weeks one day last fall. He asked me if he could photograph it and run it as an ad one week, and that was the end of my own false perspective. Ollie had recognized my painting for what it was, and by doing so, he forced me to recognize it, too. A perfectly good piece of slick commercial less. I let him do it, and then I called the exec at his home in San Luis Obispo and told him he could have the painting for twenty-five undred if he still wanted it. He did, and I shipped it UPS to the coast. And since then that voice of

disappointed expectation-that cheated child's voice that can never be satisfied with such a mild superlative as good-has

fallen pretty much silent. And except for a few rumbles-like the sounds of those unseen creatures somewhere out in the

foggy night it has been pretty much silent ever since. Maybe you can tell me-why should the silencing of that childish,

demanding voice seem so much like dying?

Around four o'clock Billy woke up-partially, at leastand looked around wit bleary, uncomprehending eyes. “Are we still here?” “Yeah, honey,” I said. “We are.” He started to cry with a weak helplessness that was horrible. Amanda woke up and looked at us. “Hey, kid,” she said, and pulled him gently to her. “Everything is going to look a little better come morning. “No,” Billy said. “No it won't. It won't. It won't.” “Shh,” she said. Her eyes met mine over his head. “Shh; it's past your bedtime.” “I want my mother!” “Yeah, you do,” Amanda said. “Of course you do.” Billy squirmed around in her lap until he could look at me. Which he did for some time. And then slept again. “Thanks,” I said. “He needed you.” “He doesn't even know me.” “That doesn't change it.” “So what do you think?” she asked. Her green eyes held mine steadily. “What do you really think?” “Ask me in the morning.”

“I'm asking you now.” I opened my mouth to answer and then Ollie Weeks materialized out of the gloom like something from a horror tale. He had a flashlight with one of the ladies' blouses over the lens, and he was pointing it toward the ceiling. It made strange shadows on his haggard face. “David,” he whispered. Amanda looked at him, first startled, then scared again. “Ollie, what is it?” I asked. “David,” he whispered again. Then: “Come on. Please.” “I don't want to leave Billy. He just went to sleep.” “I'll be with him,” Amanda said. “You better go.” Then, in a lower voice: “Jesus, this is never going to end.”

VIII. What Happened to the Soldiers. With Amanda. A Conversation with Dan Miller.

I went with Ollie. He was headed for the storage area. As we passed the cooler, he grabbed a beer. “Ollie, what is it?”

“I want you to see it.” He pushed through the double doors. They slipped shut behind us with a little backwash of air. It was cold. I didn't like this place, not after what had happened to Norm. A part of my mind insisted do reminding me that there was still a small scrap of dead tentacle lying around someplace. Ollie let the blouse drop from the lens of his light. He trained it overhead. At first I had an idea that someone had hung a couple of mannequins from one of the heating pipes below the ceiling. That they had hung them on piano wire or something, a kid's Halloween trick. Then I noticed the feet, dangling about seven inches off the cement floor. There were two piles of kicked-over cartons. I looked up at the faces and a scream began to rise in my throat because they were not the faces of department-store dummies. Both heads were cocked to the side, as if appreciating some horribly funny joke, a joke that had made them laugh until they turned purple. Their shadows. Their shadows thrown long on the wall behind them. Their tongues. Their protruding tongues.

They were both wearing uniforms. They were the kids I had noticed earlier and had lost track of along the way. The army brats from-The scream. I could hear it starting in my throat as a moan, rising like a police siren, and then Ollie gripped my arm just above the elbow. “Don't scream, David. No one knows about this but you and me. And that's how I want to keep it.” Somehow I bit it back. "Those army kids,” I managed. “From the Arrowhead Project,” Ollie said. “Sure.” Something cold was thrust into my hand. The beer can. “Drink this. You need it.” I drained the can completely dry.

Ollie said, “I came back to see if we had any extra cartridges for that gas grill Mr. McVey has been using. I saw these guys. The way I figure, they must have gotten the nooses ready and stood on top of those two piles of cartons. They must have tied their hands for each other and then balanced each other while they stepped through the length of rope between their wrists. So... so that their hands would be behind them, you know. Then-this is the way I figurethey stuck their heads into the nooses and pulled them tight by jerking their heads to one side. Maybe one of them counted to three and they jumped together. I don't know.” “It couldn't be done,” I said through a dry mouth. But their hands were tied behind them, all right. I couldn't seem to take my eyes away from that. “It could. If they wanted to bad enough, David, they could.” “But why?” “I think you know why. Not any of the tourists, the summer people-like that guy Miller-but there are people from around here who could make a pretty decent guess.” “The Arrowhead Project?”

Ollie said, “I stand by one of those registers all day long and I hear a lot. All this spring I've been hearing things about that damned Arrowhead thing, none of it good. The black ice on the lakes-“I thought of Bill Giosti leaning in my window, blowing warm alcohol in my face. Not just atoms, but different atoms. Now these bodies hanging from that overhead pipe. The cocked heads. The dangling shoes. The tongues protruding like summer sausages.

I realized with fresh horror that new doors of perception were opening up inside. New? Not so. Old doors of perception. The perception of a child who has not yet learned to protect itself by developing the tunnel vision that keeps out ninety percent of the universe. Children see everything their eyes happen upon, hear everything in their ears' range. But if life is the rise of consciousness (as a crewel-work sampler my wife made in high school proclaims), then it is also the reduction of input. Terror is the widening of perspective and perception. The horror was in knowing I was swimming down to a place most of us leave when we get out of diapers and into training pants. I could see it on Ollie's face, too. When rationality begins to break down, the circuits of the human brain can overload. Axons grow bright and feverish. Hallucinations turn real: the quicksilver puddle at the point where perspective makes parallel lines seem to intersect is really there; the dead walk and talk; a rose begins to sing.