20 But she was wrong. I know it was sexist and all, but I still just thought it was great. My dad thought I was as tough as any boy. Cool.

If only he knew what I was doing now, I thought.

How could he expect me to make this decision? I couldn't leave my friends. I couldn't. They were counting on me. We were going back to the Yeerk pool, and they were counting on me to be brave and strong. That's what they thought I was.

But if I was so brave and so strong, why was I suddenly imagining a very different life, a long, long way from the war with the Yeerks?

Why was I imagining a life of gymnastics classes and ball games with my dad - a place where I was just a person? Where no one expected me to go back down into that hell of screams and despair called the Yeerk pool?

If I was so brave and so tough, why was I imagining a normal life?

21 Chapter 7

I flew into Tobias's territory. It was also the territory of at least one real horned owl, who would not be happy to have me around. It belonged to Tobias by day and to the owl by night.

I knew a tree where Tobias often slept. Sure enough, he was there. I stopped beating my wings and glided up.

I was already flaring my wings to come in for a landing when Tobias noticed me.

"It's okay, it's okay, it's me, Rachel."

"Oh, man! You almost gave me heart attack!"

"Sorry."

"Sorry?" he demanded angrily. "It's night, we're in the woods, I'm a hawk and you're an owl who comes zooming up in attack mode. Don't do that kind of stuff, Rachel. "

"I'm just an owl, not an eagle." I protested. I knew that some eagles and some falcons will attack hawks.

"Okay, okay. It's just that hungry owls have been known to go after hawks. It doesn't happen a lot, but owls scare me. I know everybody sees cute cartoon owls and thinks all they do is say "hoot, hoot" and act wise. But let me tell you, I've watched owls work. They aren't cute.

They're tough. I don't ever want to have to fight one. "

I settled on the branch beside him, sinking my talons into the soft bark. I could see why Tobias liked this perch. It gave a perfect view of the meadow, with all its tasty prey.

"I'm really sorry, Tobias. I guess I forget that your life can be so dangerous. "

"Yeah, well, it has advantages, too." he said. "No more first period gym class. So what are you doing out here playing owl?"

"I had to get out of the house. "

"Ah. Why? Unless it's not any of my business."

"I don't know. Nothing. Nothing. I was just hyper. "

Tobias didn't say anything. Obviously, he knew I was lying. He just waited for me to tell him, watching me with gold-brown eyes that seemed to drill holes through me.

But I didn't really want to tell him. I mean, I guess I had wanted to, or why else would I have flown out to see him? But now it just seemed ridiculous to lay my problems on him.

"I was just thinking about going down into the Yeerk pool again." I said.

"You're worried?" he teased. "You?"

22 "I get worried sometimes." I said defensively. "I was thinking about flying out to The Gardens, to the zoo. Maybe acquiring some new morph. Something really strong and mean in case we get into a fight down there. A lion. Or a grizzly bear or something. Thought maybe you'd want to fly over there with me. "

"Rachel, you know I don't fly much at night. I can't see that well in the dark. Plus, there aren't any thermals at night, so I can't soar. I just have to flap the whole time, and that's miles away.

I mean, a little trip around here, sure, if you want to go flying. But that's a haul. "

"Yeah, okay. Forget it. "

"I have an idea. Why don't you tell me what's really bothering you? You're all ... weird. You don't seem like yourself."

"It's nothing." I said. "Sorry I scared you. I'm going to head on home."

"Rachel, you know you can always talk to me, right?"

"Yeah. Look... I have a question for you. Do you ever think about years from now? Like when it's time for college and stuff?" As soon as the words were out of my head I wished I could call them back.

But Tobias was cool. He just laughed silently.

"Yeah, I'm thinking I could get easy A's in - ornithology - the study of birds. "

"You could definitely be the professor." I said. "I just meant that sooner or later most of us are going to leave. Move somewhere else. What do we do then, if the Yeerks are still around?"

Tobias began preening his feathers. It's some thing he has to do, but it's also a habit he has when he's bothered by something. "I haven't really looked that far ahead. But I guess I figured this whole thing would sort itself out, one way or the other, long before then. The Yeerks win, and you don't have to worry about college. Or they lose, and we each go back to our normal lives. Some of us more normal than others." he added dryly.

For a while I didn't say anything. I couldn't.

I was too busy hating myself for bringing this up with Tobias. Tobias, of all people! He was already a casualty in this war. He was trapped in a hawk morph. And here I was thinking of bailing out? What was the matter with me? I couldn't leave. Leave Tobias living in the forest?

Leave my best friend Cassie to fight, maybe to die, so I could cut and run? Leave Jake and Marco and Ax?

Why? Because my dad was lonely and I could take gymnastics classes?

"Rachel? You okay?"

No. I wasn't okay. I felt sick. What was the matter with me? I couldn't leave. I couldn't give up. "Me? Of course I'm okay." I lied. "Just the same, I think I will go get myself some firepower.

23 It's time for Yeerk Pool Two: Animorphs' Revenge, right?"

"I don't know. It looks like I'll be sitting out this battle." Tobias said.

"Don't worry." I said. "I'll get a Hork-Bajir for you. "

"You're okay? Really? It seemed like you were upset. "

"Tobias, I am more than okay. Gotta go. "

"Rachel, go home." Tobias advised.

I opened my wings and beat them powerfully, sliding through the dead air of night.

But I did not go home. I flew around a while, trying to get a grip on the confusion in my head. But I couldn't. And I couldn't go home yet. I knew I would just lay there in bed, eyes wide open.

I turned and headed south.

From the air, The Gardens looks very different than it does from the ground. The roller coaster doesn't look nearly as tall or scary. And flying above the zoo area, you mostly just see the roofs of the various interior exhibits. The rest of it seems, at first, to be sparse woods, with cement pathways winding in and around and through, like curled ribbons.

Looking closer, I could see the separate habitats. The trees and the running stream of the tiger area. The open field for the bison, separated by a tall fence from the impalas. I glided over the lions. Most were sleeping by a tree. One female was ranging around restlessly, like she was looking for something. It took a while to find the bears. I wasn't interested in the little black bears. Or the polar bears. I was looking for the grizzlies.

I wanted power. There they were in a habitat of trees and rocks and a deep water-filled moat fed by a tumbling, rushing stream.

There were two, a male and female pair. Both were asleep, sprawled across the rocks. The male was bigger: That's what I wanted. Big. Powerful. Fearless. If I was going back to the Yeerk pool, I wanted something desperately dangerous.

Leave? Move out of town? Give up? No way. No way.