He was management material.

If cut from humble cloth.

No, if this band had potential, he, Omally, would realize this potential. And if he couldn’t play the Strat he would bathe in the reflected glory of one who could. And also in the heated swimming pool into which he had driven his Rolls Royce[3].

Omally buffed his boot and hummed a little “Smoke On The Water”.

The kitchen clock had long since ceased to tick, but John’s biological counterpart told him that opening time drew near. He took his boots upstairs, shaved and showered and put his gladrags on. They were slightly ragged, but they were extremely glad. Omally chose for this special occasion a Hawaiian shirt that his best friend Pooley had given him for Christmas, a dove-grey zoot suit he had borrowed from this selfsame Pooley, and the aforementioned winklepicker boots, which in fact were also the property of the also aforementioned Pooley. And which Omally had been meaning to give back. Examining himself in the wardrobe mirror, Omally concluded that he looked pretty damn hot.

“You, my friend,” he said, pointing to the vision in the glass, “you, my friend, will really knock ’em dead.”

He teased a curly lock or two into a bit of a quiff, struck a pose and did the Townshend windmill.

“Rock ’n’ roll,” said John Omally. “Rock ’n’ roll and then some.”

Ring ring went the front doorbell as John went down the stairs. He skipped up the hall and opened the door and greeted the man on the step.

“Watchamate, Jim,” said John.

“Watchamate, John,” said Jim.

The man on the step was Pooley. Aforementioned Pooley and John’s bestest friend. Jim, like John, was “unemployed”, but where John did all that ducking and diving and bobbing and weaving, Jim applied himself to science. The science of horse racing. Jim considered himself to be a man of the turf and had dedicated his life to the search for the BIG ONE. The BIG ONE was the six-horse Super-Yankee accumulator bet. Which every punter dreams of and every bookie fears.

So far Jim had failed to pull off the six-horse Super-Yankee or, as future generations would know it, the Pooley.

But it was just a matter of time.

Regarding the looks of Jim. They were varied. He was much the same stamp as John, and but for the obvious differences bore many similarities.

“Come on in,” said John Omally.

“Thank you sir,” said Jim Pooley.

“No, hold on,” said Omally. “I was coming out.”

“I’ll join you, then,” said Jim.

And so he did.

The two friends strolled up Mafeking Avenue and turned right into Moby Dick Terrace. Jim’s face wore a troubled look which John saw fit to mention.

“What ails you, Jim?” asked John. “You wear a troubled look.”

“I am perplexed,” said Pooley. “I just ran into Soap.”

“Ah,” said John. “I saw him at lunchtime. How did his interview go at the Mercury?”

“None too well by all accounts. Soap seemed very upset. He said that the world was going mad and it wasn’t his fault.”

“Wah-wah,” said John.

“Wah-wah?” said Jim.

“As in wah-wah pedal. Go on with what you were saying.”

“Soap said that he’d expected things to change a bit while he’d been away. But he didn’t see how they could have changed before he went away, without him noticing at the time.”

“I am perplexed,” said John.

“It was about the Queen being assassinated. And Branson being on the poundnotes.”

“Who’s Branson?”

“The bloke whose face is on the poundnotes, according to Soap.”

“But I thought Prince Charles was on the poundnotes.”

“That’s what I told Soap. I showed him a poundnote and I said, ‘Look, Soap, it’s Prince Charles.’”

“And what did he say?”

“He said, no, it was definitely Branson.”

“He’s confusing him with that film star,” said Omally.

“Which film star?”

“Charles Branson. In the Death Wish movies.”

“I think you’ll find that’s Charles Manson,” said Jim knowledgeably.

“Oh yeah, that’s the fellow. Wrote a lot of the Beach Boys’ big hits and then went on to become a star in Hollywood.”

“You’ve got him.”

They reached the Memorial Library and sat down upon Jim’s favourite bench. Early-evening sunlight filtered through the oak trees, sparrows gossiped and pussycats yawned.

Omally took out his fags and offered one to Jim. “Soap will be all right,” he said. “It’s just all the excitement of getting back and everything. He’ll soon sort himself out.”

“I hope so. Some of the stuff he was telling me was seriously barking. He said a policeman had showed him pictures of a fat man in a black T-shirt and shorts walking down the middle of a motorway at one hundred miles an hour.”

“Oh dear,” said John, lighting up.

“And he said that the more he thought about it the more he noticed odd little changes that didn’t make sense. That things just weren’t the way they should be.”

“He had been drinking a bit,” said John.

“He owned up to that.” Jim took John’s lighter and lit his fag. “I used to have a lighter just like this,” he said.

Omally stretched and yawned.

“And come to think of it,” said Jim, “I used to have a suit like that and a pair of winklepicker boots.”

“They’re only borrowed, Jim. And if all goes well tonight I’ll buy you a dozen suits and a dozen pairs of boots.”

“Yeah, right. But I am rather worried about old Soap.”

“He’ll be fine. It’s just some temporary aberration. When I last saw him we drank a toast to Brentford and how what he liked about it best was that nothing ever changes here. I mean, look around you, can you imagine this place changing?”

Jim looked all around him. He saw the mellow-bricked library and the streets of terraced Victorian houses. He saw a crumbling wall plastered with movie posters, one of which, coincidentally, advertised Virgin Films’ latest release. Charles Manson starring as Forrest Gump. And above and beyond, the high-rise flats and the gleaming silver spires of Virgin Mega City.

“No,” said Jim. “You’re right, of course. Nothing ever changes round here.”

Terence the Thespian sat on his laurels.

People remembered his glorious years.

Bowing before the great packed auditorium.

Bowing and bowing to thousands of cheers.

Getting the knighthood and winning the Oscars.

Five nominations at least in a week.

Dodging the press at the gay dinner functions.

Opening fêtes, more or less, so to speak.

Posing for painters with R.A. credentials.

Saying “Yum yum” to the products that pay.

Dancing with debs and the wives of new statesmen.

Getting a centre-page spread every day.

Buying up mansions and landaus and sofas.

Taking the lions for walks in the park.

People say, “Oooh, he’s not like you expect him.

Thought he was lighter, or thought he was dark.”

Terence the Thespian sat on his laurels.

Counted his royalties, counted his hair.

Terence the Thespian struck down by lightning.

Just goes to show he was mortal. So there!