Maybe this is what guys want. I just want Brandy Alexander to leave.

I want Seth's belt around my neck. I want Seth's fingers in my mouth and his hands pulling my knees apart and then his wet fingers prying me open.

"If you want something to read," Brandy says, "that Miss Rona Barrett book is in my room. I can run get it."

I want to be rubbed so raw by the stubble around Seth's mouth that it will hurt when I pee.

Seth says, "Are you coming?"

A ring-beaded hand tosses the television remote control onto the bed.

"Come on, Princess Princess," Seth says. "The night's not getting any younger."

And I want Seth dead. Worse than dead, I want him fat and bloated with water and insecure and emotional. If Seth doesn't want me, I want to not want him.

"If the police or anything happens," the moon tells me, "the money is all in my make-up case."

The one I love is already gone out to warm up the car.

The one who will love me forever says, "Sleep tight," and closes the door behind her.

Jump to once a long time ago, Manus, my fiance who dumped me, Manus Kelley, the police detective, he told me that your folks are like God because you want to know they're out there and you want them to approve of your life, still you only call them when you're in crisis and need something.

Jump back to me in bed in Seattle, alone with the TV remote control I hit a button on and make the television mute.

On television are three or four people in chairs sitting on a low stage in front of a television audience. This is on television like an infomercial, but as the camera zooms in on each person for a close- up, a little caption appears across the person's chest. Each caption on each close-up is a first name followed by three or four words like a last name, the sort of literal who-they-really-are last names that Indians give to each other, but instead of Heather Runs With Bison ... Trisha Hunts By Moonlight, these names are:

Cristy Drank Human Blood

Roger Lived With Dead Mother

Brenda Ate Her Baby

I change channels.

I change channels.

I change channels and here are another three people:

Gwen Works As Hooker

Neville Was Raped In Prison

Brent Slept With His Father

People are all over the world telling their one dramatic story and how their life has turned into getting over this one event. Now their lives are more about the past than their future. I hit a button and give Gwen WorksAsHooker her voice back for a little soundbite of prostitute talk.

Gwen shapes her story with her hands as she talks. She leans forward out of her chair. Her eyes are watching something up and to the right, just off camera. I know it's the monitor. Gwen's watching herself tell her story.

Gwen balls her fingers until only the left index finger is out, and she slowly twists her hand to show both sides of her fingernail as she talks.

" ... to protect themselves, most girls on the street break off a little bit of razor blade and glue it under their fingernail. Girls paint the razor nail so it looks like a regular fingernail." Here, Gwen sees something in the monitor. She frowns and tosses her red hair back off what look like pearl earrings.

"When they go to jail," Gwen tells herself in the monitor, "or when they're not attractive anymore, some girls use the razor nails to slash their wrists.”

I make Gwen WorksAsHooker mute again.

I change channels.

I change channels.

I change channels.

Sixteen channels away, a beautiful young woman in a sequined dress is smiling and dropping animal wastes into a Num. Num Snack Factory.

Evie and me, we did this infomercial. It's one of those television commercials you think is a real program except it's just a thirty-minute pitch. The television camera cuts to another girl in a sequined dress, this one is wading through an audience of snow birds and Midwest tourists. The girl offers a golden anniversary couple in matching Hawaiian shirts a selection of canapes from a silver tray, but the couple and everybody else in their double knits and camera necklaces, they're staring up and to the right at something off camera.

You know it's the monitor.

It's eerie, but what's happening is the folks are staring at themselves in the monitor staring at themselves in the monitor staring at themselves in the monitor, on and on, completely trapped in a reality loop that never ends.

The girl with the tray, her desperate eyes are contact lens too green and her lips are heavy red outside the natural lip line. The blonde hair is thick and teased up so the girl's shoulders don't look so big-boned. The canapes she keeps waving under all the old noses are soda crackers pooped on with meat by-products. Waving her tray, the girl wades further up into the studio audience bleachers with her too green eyes and big-boned hair. This is my best friend, Evie Cottrell.

This has to be Evie because here comes Manus stepping up to save her with his good looks. Manus, special police vice operative that he is, he takes one of those pooped-on soda crackers and puts it between his capped teeth. And chews. And tilts his handsome square-jawed face back and closes his eyes, Manus closes his power- blue eyes and twists his head just so much side to side and swallows.

Thick black hair like Manus has, it reminds you how people's hair is just vestigial fur with mousse on it. Such a sexy hair dog, Manus is.

The square-jawed face rocks down to give the camera a full-face eyes-open look of complete and total love and satisfaction. So deja vu. This was exactly the same look Manus used to give me when he'd ask if I got my orgasm.

Then Manus turns to give the exact same look to Evie while the studio audience all looks off in another direction, watching themselves watch themselves watch themselves watch Manus smile with total and complete love and satisfaction at Evie.

Evie smiles back her red outside the natural lipline smile at Manus, and I'm this tiny sparkling figure in the background. That's me just over Manus's shoulder, tiny me smiling away like a space heater and dropping animal matter into the Plexiglas funnel on top of the Num Num Snack Factory.

How could I be so dumb.

Let's go sailing.

Sure.

I should've known the deal was Manus and Evie all the time.

Even here, lying in a hotel bed a year after the whole story is over, I'm making fists. I could've just watched the stupid infomercial and known Manus and Evie had some tortured sick relationship they wanted to think was true love.

Okay, I did watch it. Okay, about a hundred times I watched it, but I was only watching myself. That reality loop thing.

The camera comes back to the first girl, the one on stage, and she's me. And I'm so beautiful. On television, I demonstrate the easy cleanability of the snack factory, and I'm so beautiful. I snap the blades out of the Plexiglas cover and rinse off the chewed-up animal waste under running water. And, jeez, I'm beautiful.

The disembodied voiceover is saying how the Num Num Snack Factory takes meat by-products, whatever you have—your tongues or hearts or lips or genitals—chews them up, seasons them, and poops them out in the shape of a spade or a diamond or a club onto your choice of cracker for you to eat yourself. Here in bed, I'm crying.

Bubba-Joan GotHerJawShotOff.

All these thousands of miles later, all these different people I've been, and it's still the same story. Why is it you feel like a dope if you laugh alone, but that's usually how you end up crying? How is it you can keep mutating and still be the same deadly virus?