"If you don't mind my saying so, Skeeve, I think you're pushing your luck," Kalvin observed.

"Hey, it's worth asking," I shrugged. "Besides, however inconsiderate the help is, this is still a store. There's got to be some interest in giving the customer what he wants." Fifteen minutes later, the salesman still hadn't reappeared and I found my temper was starting to simmer again.

"Um... is it time to say ‘I told you so' yet?" the Djin smirked.

Ignoring him, I intercepted the second salesman.

"Excuse me, how far is it to the storeroom?"

"Why do you ask?" he blinked.

"Well, your partner was checking on something for me, and it's been a while."

The salesman grimaced.

"Who? Him? He's gone on break. He should be back in an hour or so if you'd like to wait."

"What??"

"I suppose I could go look for you, if you'd like. What was it you wanted?"

As I've said before, I may be slow, but I do learn. This was the last salesman in the section and I wasn't about to let him out of my sight.

"Forget it. I'll take the small green magik bag over there. The one in canvas."

"Okay. That'll be 125 in gold. Do you want to carry it or shall I give you a sack?"

Before I could think, my Bazaar reflexes cut in. "Just a second. That's 125 for a new bag. How much will you knock off the price for one that's been used for a floor display?"

Kalvin groaned and covered his eyes with one hand. "I don't set the prices," the salesman said, starting to turn away. "If you don't like it, shop somewhere else." The thought of starting this fiasco all over again defeated me.

"Wait a minute," I called, fumbling with my money belt. "I'll take it. But can I at least get a receipt?"

Shopping for clothes turned out to be a trial of a different sort. There were magik lifts that carried me up two floors to the clothing section, which fortunately gave me time to think things through.

The trouble was that I was disguised as a Pervect. Because of their build, this made me appear much more heavyset than I really was. If I bought clothes to fit my disguised form, they'd hang on the real me like a tent. If I went for my real size, however, it would be a dead giveaway when I asked to try them on.

What I finally decided to do was to shop in the kids' section, which would be the best bet for finding my real size anyway, and say I was buying them for my son. I had gotten pretty good at eyeballing clothes for size, so the fit probably wouldn't be too bad.

I needn't have worried.

It seems a lot more people shop for clothes than shop for luggage. A lot more.

Not being able to read the signs, I couldn't tell if there was a sale on or if this was the normal volume of customers the section got. Whatever the case, the place was a madhouse. Throngs of shoppers, male and female, jostled and clawed at each other over tables heaped with various items of apparel. To say angry voices were raised fails to capture the shrieks and curses which assaulted my ears as I approached the area, but I- could make out the occasional sounds of cloth tearing. Whether this was from items on sale being ripped asunder by rival shoppers; or the rival shoppers themselves being ripped asunder I could never tell for sure. It was like watching a pileup at the Big Game, but without teams and without breaks between plays.

"Don't tell me you're going into that!" Kalvin gasped. "Without armor or artillery?"

It seemed a strange question for someone from a supposedly peaceful dimension to ask, but I was busy concentrating on the task ahead.

"This shopping thing is already taking too long," I said grimly. "I'm not going to lose any more time by having Edvik hunt us up another store... especially since there's no guarantee it will be any better than this one. I'm going to wade in there, grab a couple of outfits, and be done with it once and for all."

Good taste and a queasy stomach at the memory prevent me from going into detail on how the next half hour went. Suffice it to say that Kalvin abandoned me and hovered near the ceiling to watch and wait until I was done. Now I've knocked around a bit, and been knocked around more times than I care to recall, but if there's any memory that compares to holding my own against a mob of Pervish shoppers, my mind has successfully suppressed it. I elbowed and shoved, used more than a little magik when no one was looking and called on most of the dirty tricks I learned in the Big Game, and in the end I had two outfits I wasn't wild about but was willing to settle for rather than enter the fracas anew in search of something better. I also had a lingering fondness for the fat Pervish lady I hid behind from time to time to catch my breath.

Having sat out the battle, Kalvin was in good shape to guide me back to the exit. That was fortunate, since the adrenalin drop after emerging from the brawl was such that I could barely see straight, let alone walk steadily. I don't know where Edvik was waiting, but his cab materialized out of the traffic as soon as we emerged from the store and in no time we were back in the safety of the back seat. It wasn't until later that I realized what a commentary it was on department stores that the cab now seemed safe to me.

"Can we go to the hotel now?" I said, sinking back in the seat and shutting my eyes.

"Like that? Don't you want to change first?"

"Change?" Somehow I didn't like the sound of that.

"You know, into a conservative suit. Business types always get the best service at hotels."

Kalvin groaned, but he needn't have worried. If there was one thing I knew for sure, it's that I wasn't heading back to that store.

"Tell you what, Edvik. Describe a suit to me." The cabbie rubbed his chin as he plotted his way through the traffic.

"Well, let's see. They're usually dark grey or black... three piece with a vest... thin white pinstripes closely spaced... and, you know, the usual accessories like a white shirt and a striped tie."

Just as I thought. The same as was worn on Deva... and every other dimension I've met businessmen on. I closed my eyes again and made a few adjustments to my disguise spell.

"Like this?"

The cabbie glanced over his shoulder, then swiveled around to gape openly.

"Say! That's neat!" he exclaimed.

"Thank you," I said smugly. "It's nothing really. Just a disguise spell I use."

"So why didn't you use that to fake the new outfits and the luggage instead of hassling with the stores?"

"I was about to ask the same thing," Kalvin murmured.

For the life of me, I couldn't think of a good answer.

There's no place like home!"

—H. JOHNSON

ONCE WE FINALLY arrived at the hotel Edvik had chosen to recommend, I was a bit put off by the sight. It had a sign that declared it to be The New Inn, but it looked like most of the other buildings we had seen so far, which is to say it was old, dilapidated, and covered with soot. Then again, even if its appearance had been better, the neighborhood it was in would have given me pause. Between the garbage in the streets and the metal shutters on the store windows, it wasn't an area in which I would normally be inclined to get out of the cab, much less rent a room. I was about to comment on this to my driver/guide, when I noticed the uniformed doorman and decided to make my inquiry a bit more gentle.

"Ah... this is the low-price hotel you've been figuring on?"

"It's about as low as you can go without ending up in a real dive," the cabbie shrugged. "Actually, it's a little nicer than most in the same price range. They've had to lower their prices because of the trouble they've been having."

"Trouble?"

"Yeah. There's an ax murderer loose around here that the police haven't been able to catch. He's been killing about one a week... last week he got one right in the lobby."