"An agent is a vampire with a tele-

phone!"

—ANY EDITOR

REMEMBER how I said that if you've seen one town,

you've seen 'em all? Well, forget it. Even though I've

visited a lot of dimensions and seen a lot of towns, I had

to admit that Blut looked a little strange.

Everything seemed to be done to death in basic black.

(Perhaps "done to death" is an unfortunate turn of a

phrase. Whatever.) Mind you, when I say everything, I

mean everything. Cobblestones, walls, roof tiles, every-

thing had the same uninspired color scheme. Maybe by

itself the black overtones wouldn't have seemed too

ominous, if it weren't for the architectural decorations

that seemed to abound everywhere you looked. Stone

dragons and snakes adorned every roof peak and ledge,

along with the inescapable gargoyles and, of course,

bats. I don't mean "bats" here, I mean "BATS"!!! Big

bats, little bats, bats with their wings half open and

others with their wings spread wide... BATS!!! The

only thing they all seemed to have in common (besides

49

Robert Asprin

50 MYTH-ING PERSONS 51

being black) was mouths full of needle-sharp teeth...

an image which did nothing to further the confidence of

my already nervous party. I myself felt the tension in-

creasing as we strode down the street under the noses of

those fierce adornments. One almost expected the stone

figures to come to life and swoop down on us for a pint

or two of dinner.

"Cheerful sort of place, isn't it?" Massha asked, eye-

ing the rooftops,

"I don't like to complain, Boss," Guido put in, lyings

blatantly, "but I've been in friendlier-looking grave-;

yards." |

"Will you both keep your mouths shut!" I snarled,

speaking as best I could through tightly pressed lips.

"Remember our disguises." J

I had indeed turned on my disguise spell as we entered

town, but in an effort to conserve magical energy, I had

only turned our eyes red. If any of the others on the

street, and there were lots of them, happened to spot

our non-vampirish teeth, the balloon would go up once

and for all. Then again, maybe not. We still hadn't;

figured out why the couple we met on the road had been

so afraid of me, but I wasn't about to bank the success

of our mission on anything as flimsy as a hope that the |

whole town would run at the sight of our undisguised

features.

Fortunately, I didn't have to do any magical tinkering'

with our wardrobe. If anything, we were a little drab

compared to most of the vampires on the street. Though

most of them appeared rather young, barely older than

me, they came in all shapes and sizes, and were decked

out in some of the most colorful and outrageous garb it

has ever been my misfortune to encounter as they;

shouted to each other or wove their way in and out of

taverns along the street.

It was night now, the clouds having cleared enough to

show a star-studded night sky, and true to their billing,

vampires seemed to love the night life.

"If everybody here is vampires," Guido said, ignor-

ing my warning, "how do they find anybody to bite for

blood?"

"As far as I can tell," Massha answered, also choos-

ing to overlook the gag order, "they buy it by the bot-

tle."

She pointed to a small group of vampires sitting on a

low wall merrily passing a bottle of red liquid back and

forth among themselves. Despite our knowledge of the

area, I had subconsciously assumed they were drinking

wine. Confronted by the inescapable logic that the stuff

they were drinking was typed, not aged, my stomach did

a fast roll and dip to the right.

"If you two are through sightseeing," I hissed, "let's

try to find this Dispatcher character before someone in-

vites us to join them for a drink."

With that, I led off my slightly subdued assistants,

nodding and waving at the merrymaking vampires as we

went. Actually, the goings on looked like a lot of fun,

and I might have been tempted to join in, if it weren't

for the urgency of our quest....nd, of course, the fact

that they were vampires.

Following the instructions I had gleaned from the

couple on the road before their panicky flight, we found

the Dispatcher's place with no problem. Leaving Guido

outside as a lookout, Massha and I braved the stairs and

entered the Dispatcher's office.

As strange as Blut had appeared, it hadn't prepared

me for the room we stepped into.

There were hundreds of glass pictures lining the walls,

pictures which depicted moving, living things much like

looking into a rack of fishbowls. What was more, the

52 Robert Asprin

images being displayed were of incredible violence and

unspeakable acts being performed on seemingly helpless

victims. The overall effect was neither relaxing nor

pleasant... definitely not something I'd want on the

wall at home.

I was so entranced by the pictures, I almost missed the

Dispatcher himself until he rose from his desk. Perhaps

"rose" is the wrong description. What he actually did

was hop down to the floor from his chair which was

high to begin with, but made higher by the addition of a

pillow to the seat.

He strode forward, beaming widely, with his hand ex-

tended for a handshake.

"Hi there Vilhelm's the name Your problem is my

problem Don't sit down Standing problems I solve for

free Sitting problems I charge for Reasonable rates Just

a minor percentage off the top What can I do for you?"

That was sort of all one sentence in that he didn't

pause for breath. He did, however, seize my hand,

pump it twice, then repeated the same procedure with

Massha, then grabbed my hand again ... all before he

stopped talking.

All in all, it was a little overpowering. I had a flash

impression of a short, stocky character with plump rosy

cheeks and a bad case of the fidgets. I had deliberately

tried not to speculate on what the Dispatcher would

look like, but a cherub vampire still caught me a little

off-guard.

"I... ummm... how did you know I have a prob-

lem?"

That earned me an extra squeeze of the hand and a

wink.

"Nobody comes in here unless they've got a prob-

lem," he said, finally slowing down his speech a bit. "I

mean, I could always use a bit of help, but does anyone

MYTH-ING PERSONS 5B

leap forward to lend a hand? Fat chance. Seems like the

only time I see another face in the flesh is when it means

more work for me. Prove me wrong... please! Tell me

you came in here to take over for an hour or so to let me

duck out for a bite to drink."

"Well, actually, we've got a problem and we were

told....,"

"See! What did I tell you? All right. What have you

got? A standing or a sitting problem? Standing prob-

lems I handle for...."

He was off again. In a desperate effort to keep our

visit short, I interrupted his pitch.

"We're looking for a friend who...."

"Say no more! A friend! Just a second!"

With that he vaulted back into his chair, grabbed the

top off a strange-looking appliance on his desk, diddled

with it briefly, then started talking into it.

"Yea Darwin? Vilhelm. I need ... sure...."

Leaning back in his chair, he tucked the gadget under

one side of his head and grabbed another.

"This is Vilhelm, Is Kay around? ... Well, put her on

when she's done...."

The second gadget slid in under the same ear as the

first and he reached for yet another.

"I know I shouldn't ask this," I murmured to

Massha, "but what's he doing?"

"Those are telephones," she whispered back as a

fourth instrument came into play. "You talk into one

end of it and whoever's at the other end can hear you

and talk back. It beats running all over town to find an

answer."

By this time, the little vampire had so many instru-

ments hung from his shoulders and arms he looked like

he was being attacked by a nest of snakes. He seemed to

be handling it well, though, talking first into one, then

54 Robert Asprin

another, apparently keeping multiple conversations

going at once like a juggler handles a basket full of

balls.

"Gee, that's kind of neat!" I exclaimed. "Do you

think we could get some of these for our place at the

Bazaar?"

"Believe me, they're more trouble than they're

worth," Massha said. "In nothing flat you find you're

spending all your time on the phone talking to people

and not accomplishing anything. Besides, ever since

they broke up the corporation...."

"I think I've got it!" Vilhelm announced, jumping

down to floor-level again. "I've got one friend for you

definite, but to be honest with you he's only so-so. I've

got call-backs coming on two others, so let's see what

they're like before you commit on the definite. Okay?"

"Ummm ... I think there's some kind of mistake

here," I said desperately, trying to stop the madness

before it progressed any further. "I'm not trying to find

a new friend. I'm trying to locate a friend I already have

who may be here in town.''

He blinked several times as this news sank in. He

started to turn back to his phones in an involuntary mo-

tion, then waved a hand at them in disgusted dismissal.

"Heck with it," he said with a sigh. "If they can

come up with anything, I can always fob 'em off on

someone else for a profit. Now then, let's try this again.

You're looking for someone specific. Are they a townie

or a transient? It would help if you gave me a little

something to go on, you know."