"Reliable information is a must for suc-

cessful planning."

—C. COLUMBUS

"HEY! Hot stuff! Wake up!! You okay?"

If I led a different kind of life, those words would

have been uttered by a voluptuous vision of female

loveliness. As it was, they were exclaimed by Massha.

This was one of the first things that penetrated the

fogginess of my mind as I struggled to regain con-

sciousness. I'm never at my best first thing in the morn-

ing, even when I wake up leisurely of my own accord.

Having wakefulness forced upon me by someone else

only guarantees that my mood will be less than pleasant.

However groggy I might be feeling, though, there was

no mistaking the fact that it was Massha shaking me

awake. Even through unfocused eyes, her form was

unmistakable. Imagine, if you will, the largest, fattest

woman you've ever met. Now expand that image by

fifty percent in all directions, top it off with garish

orange hair, and false eyelashes and purple lipstick, and

adorn it with a wheelbarrow load of gaudy jewelry. See

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Robert Asprin

22

what I mean? I could recognize Massha a mile away on

a dark night... blindfolded.

"Of course I'm okay, apprentice'." I snarled. "Don't

you have any lessons you're supposed to be practicing

or something?"

"Are you sure? she pressed mercilessly.

"Yes, I'm sure. Why do you ask? Can't a fellow take

a little nap without being badgered about it?"

"It's just that you don't usually take naps in the

middle of the reception room floor."

That got my attention, and I forced my eyes into

focus. She was right! For some reason I was sprawled

out on the floor. Now what could have possessed me

to....

Then it all came back! Aahz! The expedition into the

new dimension!

I sat bolt upright... and regretted it immediately. A

blinding headache assaulted me with icepick intensity,

and my stomach flipped over and landed on its back

with all the grace of a lump of overcooked oatmeal.

Massha caught me by the shoulder as I started to list.

"Steady there, High Roller. Looks like your idea of

'okay' and mine are a little out of synch."

Ignoring her, I felt the back of my head cautiously

and discovered a large, tender lump behind my ear. If I

had had any doubts as to what had happened, they were

gone now.

"That bloody Pervert!" I said, flinching at the new

wave of pain brought on by the sound of my own voice.

"He must have knocked me out and gone in alone!"

"You mean Aahz? Dark, green, and scaly himself? I

don't get it. Why would your own partner sucker-punch

you?"

"So he could go through the door without me. I made;

MYTH-ING PERSONS

23

it very clear that I didn't want to be left behind on this

caper."

"Door? What door?" Massha said with a frown. "I

know you two have your secrets, Boss, but I think you'd

better fill me in on a few more details as to exactly

what's going on around here."

As briefly as I could, I brought her up to date on the

day's events, including the explanation as to why Aahz

and I had never said anything about the house's mys-

terious back door. Being a seasoned dimension traveler

herself, she grasped the concept of an unlisted dimen-

sion and its potential dangers much more rapidly than

Guide and Nunzio.

"What I don't understand is even if he didn't want

you along, why didn't he take someone else as a back-

up?"

"Like who?" I said with a wry grimace. "We've

already established that you're my apprentice and he

doesn't give you orders without clearing them through

me. He's never been impressed with Guido and Nunzio.

Tananda and Chumley are off on their own contracts

and aren't due back for several days. Even Gus is taking

a well-earned vacation with Berfert. Besides, he knows

good and well that if he started building a team and

excluded me, there'd be some serious problems before

the dust settled. I wouldn't take something like that

lying down!"

"Don't look now, but you just did," my apprentice

pointed out dryly, "though I have to admit he sort of

forced it on you."

With that, she slid a hand under each of my armpits

and picked me up, setting me gently on my feet.

"Well, now what? I supposed you're going to go

charging after him with blood in your eye. Mind if I tag

24

Robert Asprin MYTH-ING PERSONS 25

along? Or are you bound and determined to be as stupid

as he is?"

As a matter of fact, that was exactly what I had been

planning to do. The undisguised sarcasm in her voice

combined with the unsettling wobbliness of my legs,

however, led me to reconsider.

"No," I said carefully. "One of us blundering

around out there is enough ... or one too many, de-

pending on how you count it. While I still think I should

have gone along, Aahz has dealt this hand, so it's up to

him to play it out. It's up to me to mind the store until

he gets back."

Massha cocked an eyebrow at me.

"That makes sense," she said, "though I'll admit I'm

a little surprised to hear you say it."

"I'm a responsible businessman now." I shrugged.

"I can't afford to go off half-cocked like a rash kid any-

more. Besides, I have every confidence in my partner's

ability to handle things."

Those were brave words, and I meant them. Two days

later, however, this particular 'responsible business-

man' was ready to go off fully cocked. Guido and Nun-

zio ceased to complain about my sneaking off alone...

mostly because I didn't go out at all! In fact, I spent

most of my waking hours and all of my sleeping hours

(though I'll admit I didn't sleep much) in the reception

room on the off-chance that I could greet Aahz on his

triumphant return.

Unfortunately, my vigil went unrewarded.

I did my best to hide my concern, but I needn't have

bothered. As the hours marched on, my staff's worries

grew until most of my time was spent telling them, "No,

he isn't back yet. When he gets here, I'll let you know."

Even Guido, who never really got along with Aahz,

took to stopping by at least once an hour for a no-prog-

ress report.

Finally, as a salve for my own nerves, I called every-

one into the reception room for a staff meeting.

"What I want to know is how long are we just going

to sit around before we admit that something's gone

wrong?" Guido muttered for the fifth time.

"How long do you figure it takes to find a fugitive in

a strange dimension?" I shot back. "How long would it

take you to find them if they were on Klah, Guido?

We've got to give him some time."

"How much time?" he countered. "It's already been

two days...."

"Tananda and Chumley will be back any time now,"

Massha interrupted. "Do you think they'll just sit

around on their hands when they find out that Aahz is

out there all alone?"

"I thought you were the one who thought that going

after him was a stupid idea?"

"I still do. Now do you want to know what I think of

the idea of doing nothingi"

Before I could answer, a soft knock sounded at the

door ... the back door!

"See!" I crowed triumphantly. "I told you he would

be back!"

"That doesn't sound like his knock," Guido ob-

served suspiciously.

"And why should he knock?" Massha added. "The

door hasn't been locked since he left."

In my own relief and enthusiasm, their remarks went

unnoticed. In a flash I was at the door, wrenching it

open while voicing the greeting I had been rehearsing

for two days.

"It's about time, part... ner."

26

MYTH-ING PERSONS 27

Robert Asprin

It wasn't Aahz.

In fact, the being outside the door didn't look any-

thing at all like Aahz. What was doubly surprising,

though, was that I recognized her!

We had never really met... not to exchange names,

but shortly after meeting Aahz I had been strung up by

an angry mob while impersonating her, and I had seen

her in the crowd when I successfully "interviewed" for

the job of court magician at Possletum.

What I had never had a chance to observe first-hand

was her radiant complexion framed by waves of sun-

gold hair, or the easy grace with which she carried her-

self, or the....

"It's the Great Skeeve, right? Behind the open

mouth?"

Her voice was so musical it took me a few moments to

zero in on what she had said and realize that she was ex-

pecting an answer.

"Aahh ... yes. I mean, at your service,"

"Glad to finally meet you face-to-face," she said

briskly, glancing at Guido and Massha nervously. "I've

been looking for an excuse for a while, and I guess this

is it. Got some news for you... about your appren-

tice."

I was still having problems focusing on what she was

saying. Not only was her voice mesmerizing, she was

easily the loveliest woman I had ever met... well, girl

actually. She couldn't have been much older than me.

What's more, she seemed to like me. That is, she kept

smiling hesitantly and her deep blue eyes never left

mine. Now, I had gotten respect from my colleagues

and from beings at the Bazaar who knew my reputation,

but never from anyone who looked like ....

Then her words sank in.

"My apprentice?"

I stole an involuntary glance at Massha before I real-

ized the misunderstanding.

"Oh, you mean Aahz. He's not my apprentice any

more. He's my partner. Please come in. We were just

talking about him."

I stood to one side of the door and invited her in with