"To survive, one must be able to adapt to

changing situations."

—TYRANNOSAURUS REX

"VAMPIRES," I said carefully.

"Sure. It all fits." Massha nodded. "The pale skin,

the sharp fangs, the red eyeliner, the way they turned

into bats...."

"Turned into bats?"

"You missed it. Boss," Guido supplied. "You were

lookin' behind you when they did it. Wildest thing I ever

saw. One second they was runnin' for their lives, and

the next they're flutterin' up into the dark. Are all the

other dimensions like this?"

"Vampires...."

Actually, my shock wasn't all that great. Realizing

the things Aahz and I had run into cruising the so-called

"known and safe" dimensions, I had expected some-

thing a bit out of the ordinary in this one. If anything, I

was a bit relieved. The second shoe had been dropped

... and it really wasn't all that bad! That is, it could

have been worse. (If hanging around with Aahz had

40

taught me anything, it was that things could always be

worse!) The repetitive nature of my conversational bril-

liance was merely a clever ploy to cover my mental ef-

forts to both digest this new bit of information and

decide what to do with it.

"Vampires are rare in any dimension," my appren-

tice replied, stepping into the void to answer Guide's

question. "What's more, they're pretty much feared

universally. What I can't figure out is why those two

were so scared of Skeeve here."

"Then again," I said thoughtfully, "there's the ques-

tion of whether or not we can safely assume the whole

dimension is populated with beings like the two we just

met. I know it's a long shot, but we might have run into

the only two vampires in the place."

"I dunno. High Roller. They acted pretty much at

home here, and they sure didn't think you'd find any-

thing unusual about their appearance. My guess is that

they're the norm and we're the exceptions around

here."

"Whatever," I said, reaching a decision at last,

"they're the only two examples we have to work with so

far, so that's what we'll base our actions on until proven

different."

"So what do we do against a bunch of vampires?"

As a bodyguard, Guido seemed a bit uneasy about

our assessment of the situation.

"Relax," I smiled. "The first order of business is to

turn on the old reliable disguise spell. Just a few quick

touch-ups and they won't be able to tell us apart from

the natives. We could walk through a town of vampires

and they'd never spot us."

With that, I closed my eyes and went to work. Like I

told the staff, this was going to be easy. Maintain

everyone's normal appearance except for paler skin,

42

MYTH-ING PERSONS 43

Robert Asprin

longer canines, and a little artful reddening of the eyes,

and the job was done.

"Okay," I said, opening my eyes again. "What's

next?"

"I don't like to quote you back at yourself. Hot

Stuff," Massha drawled, "but didn't you say something

about disguises being the first thing before we went any

further?"

"Of course. That's why I just. .. wait a minute. Are

you trying to say we still have the same appearance as

before I cast the spell?"

One of the problems with casting a disguise spell is

that as the caster, I can never see the effects. That is, I

see people as they really are whether the spell is on or

not. I had gotten so used to relying on the effects of this

particular spell that it had never occurred to me that it

might not work.

Massha and Guido were looking at each other with no

small degree of concern.

"ymmm ... maybe you forgot."

"Try again."

"That's right! This time remember to...."

"Hold it, you two," I ordered in my most com-

manding tone. "From your reactions, I perceive that the

answer to my questions is 'yes.' That is, that the spell

didn't work. Now just ease up a second and let me

think. Okay?"

For a change they listened to me and lapsed into a

respectful silence. I might have taken a moment to savor

the triumph if I wasn't so worried about the problem.

The disguise spell was one of the first spells I had

learned, and until now was one of my best and most

reliable tools. If it wasn't working, something was

seriously wrong. Now I knew that stepping through the

door hadn't lessened my knowledge of that particular

spell, so that meant that if something was haywire, it

would have to be in the....

"Hey, Hot Stuff! Check the force lines!"

Apparently my apprentice and I had reached the con-

clusion simultaneously. A quick magical scan of the sky

overhead and the surrounding terrain confirmed my

worst fears. At first I thought there were no force lines

at all. Then I realized that they were there, but so faint

that it took nearly all of my reserve power just to detect

them.

"What's all this about force lines?" Guido de-

manded.

Massha heaved an impatient sigh.

"If you're going to run with this crowd. Dark and

Deadly, you'd best start learning a little about the magic

biz ... or at least the vocabulary. Force lines are invis-

ible streams of energy that flow through the ground and

the air. They're the source of power we tap into when

we do our bibbity-bobbity-boo schtick. That means that

in a land like this one, where the force lines are either

non-existent or very weak...."

". .. you can't do squat," the bodyguard finished for

her. "Hey, Boss! If what she says is true, how come

those two you just met could still do that bat-trick?"

"By being very, very good in the magic department.

To do so much with so little means they don't miss a

trick... pardon the pun ... in tapping and using force

lines. In short, they're a lot better than either Massha or

me at the magic game."

"That makes sense." Massha nodded. "In any di-

mension I've been in that had vampires, they were some

of the strongest magic-slingers around. If this is what

they have to train on, I can see why they run hog-wild

when they hit a dimension where the force lines are both

plentiful and powerful."

44 Robert Asprin

I rubbed my forehead, trying desperately to think and

to forestall the headache I felt coming on. Right on

schedule, things were getting worse!

"I don't suppose you have anything in your jewelry

collection that can handle disguises, do you?"

Despite our predicament, Massha gave a low laugh.

"Think about it. High Roller. If I had anything that

could do disguises, would I walk around looking like

this?"

"So we get to take on a world of hot-shot magic types

with our own cover fire on low ammo," Guido sum-

marized.

"Okay. So it'll be a little tougher than I thought at

first. Just remember my partner has been getting along

pretty well these last few years without any powers at

all."

"Your partner is currently sitting in the hoosegow for

murder," Guido said pointedly. "That's why we're here

in the first place. Remember?"

"Besides," I continued, ignoring his comment (that's

another skill I've learned from Aahz), "it's never been

our intention 'to take on the whole world.' All we want

to do is perform a quick hit and run. Grab Aahz and get

back out with as little contact with the natives as pos-

sible. All this means is that we've got to be a little more

careful. That's all."

"What about running down the trio we started out to

retrieve?"

I thought briefly about the blonde who had warned us

of Aahz's predicament.

"That's part of being more careful," I announced

solemnly. "If ... I mean, when we get Aahz out of jail,

we'll head for home and count ourselves as lucky. So we

... pay off the Deveels. It's a ... cheap price to ... pay

for...."

MYTH-ING PERSONS 45

I realized the staff was looking at me a little askance.

I also realized that my words had been gradually slow-

ing to a painful broken delivery as I reached the part

about paying off the Deveels.

I cleared my throat and tried again.

"Ummm, let's just say we'll reappraise the situation

once we've reached Aahz. Okay?"

The troops still looked a little dubious, so I thought it

would be best if I pushed on to the next subject.

"As to the opposition, let's pool our knowledge of

vampires so we have an idea of what we're up against.

Now, we know they can shapechange into bats or

dogs...."

"... or just into a cloud of mist," Massha supplied.

"They drink blood,'' Guido said grimly.

"They don't like bright light, or crosses...."

"... and they can be killed by a stake through their

heart or...."

"They drink blood."

"Enough with the drinking blood! Okay, Guido?"

I was starting to get more than a little annoyed with

my bodyguard's endless pessimism. I mean, none of us

was particularly pleased by the way things were going,

but there was nothing to be gained by dwelling on the

negatives.

"Sorry, Boss. I guess looking on the dark side of

things gets to be a habit in my business."

"Garlic!" Massha exclaimed suddenly.

"What's that?"

"I said 'garlic'," she repeated. "Vampires don't like

garlic!"

"That's right! How about it, Guido? Do you have

any garlic along?"

The bodyguard actually looked embarrassed.