"Well, you can't say I didn't try. Got your birth certificates with you? And let's see your I. D.'s."

Ten minutes later, still not sworn in, we were on the top floor being prodded and poked and fluoroscoped. I decided that the idea of a physical examination is that, if you aren't ill, then they do their darnedest to make you ill. If the attempt fails, you're in.

I asked one of the doctors what percentage of the victims flunked the physical. He looked startled. "Why, we never fail anyone. The law doesn't permit us to."

"Huh? I mean, Excuse me, Doctor? Then what's the point of this goose-flesh parade?"

"Why, the purpose is," he answered, hauling off and hitting me in the knee with a hammer (I kicked him, but not hard), "to find out what duties you are physically able to perform. But if you came in here in a wheel chair and blind in both eyes and were silly enough to insist on enrolling, they would find something silly enough to match. Counting the fuzz on a caterpillar by touch, maybe. The only way you can fail is by having the psychiatrists decide that you are not able to understand the oath."

"Oh. Uh... Doctor, were you already a doctor when you joined up? Or did they decide you ought to be a doctor and send you to school?"

"Me?" He seemed shocked. "Youngster, do I look that silly? I'm a civilian employee."

"Oh. Sorry, sir."

"No offense. But military service is for ants. Believe me. I see ‘em go, I see ‘em come back—when they do come back. I see what it's done to them. And for what? A purely nominal political privilege that pays not one centavo and that most of them aren't competent to use wisely anyhow. Now if they would let medical men run things -- but never mind that; you might think I was talking treason, free speech or not. But, youngster, if you've got savvy enough to count ten, you'll back out while you still can. Here, take these papers back to the recruiting sergeant—and remember what I said."

I went back to the rotunda. Carl was already there. The Fleet Sergeant looked over my papers and said glumly, "Apparently you both are almost insufferably healthy-except for holes in the head. One moment, while I get some witnesses." He punched a button and two female clerks came out, one old battle-ax, one kind of cute.

He pointed to our physical examination forms, our birth certificates, and our I. D.'s said formally: "I invite and require you, each and severally, to examine these exhibits, determine what they are and to determine, each independently, what relation, if any, each document bears to these two men standing here in your presence."

They treated it as a dull routine, which I'm sure it was; nevertheless they scrutinized every document, they took our fingerprints—again! -- and the cute one put a jeweler's loupe in her eye and compared prints from birth to now. She did the same with signatures. I began to doubt if I was myself.

The Fleet Sergeant added, "Did you find exhibits relating to their present competence to take the oath of enrollment? If so, what?"

"We found," the older one said, "appended to each record off physical examination a duly certified conclusion by an authorized and delegated board of psychiatrists stating that each of them is mentally competent to take the oath and that neither one is under the influence of alcohol, narcotics, other disabling drugs, nor of hypnosis."

"Very good." He turned to us, "Repeat after me—"

"I, being of legal age, of my own free will—"

" ‘I,' " we each echoed, " ‘being of legal age, of my own free will—‘ "

"—without coercion, promise, or inducement of any sort, after having been duly advised and warned of the meaning and consequences of this oath—"

"—do now enroll in the Federal Service of the Terran Federation for a term of not less than two years and as much longer as may be required by the needs of the Service—"

(I gulped a little over that part. I had always thought of a "term" as two years, even though I knew better, because that's the way people talk about it. Why, we were signing up for life.)

"I swear to uphold and defend the Constitution of the Federation against all its enemies on or off Terra, to protect and defend the Constitutional liberties and privileges of all citizens and lawful residents of the Federation, its associated states and territories, to perform, on or off Terra, such duties of any lawful nature as may be assigned to me by lawful direct or delegated authority—"

" -- and to obey all lawful orders of the Commander-in-Chief of the Terran Service and of all officers or delegated persons placed over me—"

"—and to require such obedience from all members of the Service or other persons or non-human beings lawfully placed under my orders—"

"—and, on being honorably discharged at the completion of my full term of active service or upon being placed on inactive retired status after having completed such full term, to carry out all duties and obligations and to enjoy all privileges of Federation citizenship including but not limited to the duty, obligation and privilege of exercising sovereign franchise for the rest of my natural life unless stripped of honor by verdict, finally sustained, of court of my sovereign peers."

(Whew!) Mr. Dubois had analyzed the Service oath for us in History and Moral Philosophy and had made us study it phrase by phrase -- but you don't really feel the size of the thing until it comes rolling over you, all in one ungainly piece, as heavy and unstoppable as Juggernaut's carriage.

At least it made me realize that I was no longer a civilian, with my shirttail out and nothing on my mind. I didn't know yet what I was, but I knew what I wasn't.

"So help me God!" we both ended and Carl crossed himself and so did the cute one.

After that there were more signatures and fingerprints, all five of us, and flat colorgraphs of Carl and me were snapped then and there and embossed into our papers. The Fleet Sergeant finally looked up. "Why, it's ‘way past the break for lunch. Time for chow, lads."

I swallowed hard. Uh...Sergeant?"

"Eh? Speak up."

"Could I flash my folks from here? Tell them what I—Tell them how it came out?"

"We can do better than that."

"Sir?"

"You go on forty-eight hours leave now." He grinned coldly. "Do you know what happens if you don't come back?"

"Uh... court-martial?"

"Not a thing. Not a blessed thing. Except that your papers get marked,

Term not completed satisfactorily, and you never, never, never get a second chance. This is our cooling-off period, during which we shake out the overgrown babies who didn't really mean it and should never have taken the oath. It saves the government money and it saves a power of grief for such kids and their parents—the neighbors needn't guess. You don't even have to tell your parents." He shoved his chair away from his desk. "So I'll see you at noon day after tomorrow. If I see you. Fetch your personal effects."

It was a crumby leave. Father stormed at me, then quit speaking to me;

Mother took to her bed. When I finally left, an hour earlier than I had to, nobody saw me off but the morning cook and the houseboys.

I stopped in front of the recruiting sergeant's desk, thought about saluting and decided I didn't know how. He looked up. "Oh. Here are your papers. Take them up to room 201; they'll start you through the mill. Knock and walk in."

Two days later I knew I was not going to be a pilot. Some of the things the examiners wrote about me were: insufficient intuitive grasp of spatial relationships... insufficient mathematical talent... deficient mathematical preparation... reaction time adequate... eyesight good. I'm glad they put in those last two; I was beginning to feel that counting on my fingers was my speed.

The placement officer let me list my lesser preferences, in order, and I caught four more days of the wildest aptitude tests I've ever heard of. I mean to say, what do they find out when a stenographer jumps on her chair and screams, "Snakes!" There was no snake, just a harmless piece of plastic hose.