If two people brought a quarrel to Brody and he could not get them to agree that his settlement was just, he would return fees and, if they fought, referee their duel without charging--and still be trying to persuade them not to use knives right up to squaring off.

He wasn't in his courtroom though plug hat was on desk. Started to leave, only to be checked by group coming in, stilyagi types. A girl was with them, and an older man hustled by them. He was mussed, and clothing had that vague something that says "tourist."

We used to get tourists even then. Not hordes but quite a few. They would come up from Earth, stop in a hotel for a week, go back in same ship or perhaps stop over for next ship. Most of them spent their time gambling after a day or two of sightseeing including that silly walk up on surface every tourist makes. Most Loonies ignored them and granted them their foibles.

One lad, oldest, about eighteen and leader, said to me, "Where's judge?"

"Don't know. Not here."

He chewed lip, looked baffled. I said, "What trouble?"

He said soberly, "Going to eliminate his choom. But want judge to confirm it."

I said, "Cover taprooms here around. Probably find him."

A boy about fourteen spoke up. "Say! Aren't you Gospodin O'Kelly?"

"Right."

"Why don't you judge it."

Oldest looked relieved. "Will you, Gospodin?"

I hesitated. Sure, I've gone judge at times; who hasn't? But don't hanker for responsibility. However, it troubled me to hear young people talk about eliminating a tourist. Bound to cause talk.

Decided to do it. So I said to tourist, "Will you accept me as your judge?"

He looked surprised. "I have choice in the matter?"

I said patiently, "Of course. Can't expect me to listen if you aren't willing to accept my judging. But not urging you. Your life, not mine."

He looked very surprised but not afraid. His eyes lit up. "My life, did you say?"

"Apparently. You heard lads say they intend to eliminate you. You may prefer to wait for Judge Brody."

He didn't hesitate. Smiled and said, "I accept you as my judge, sir."

"As you wish." I looked at oldest lad. "What parties to quarrel? Just you and your young friend?"

"Oh, no, Judge, all of us."

"Not your judge yet." I looked around. "Do you all ask me to judge?"

Were nods; none said No. Leader turned to girl, added, "Better speak up, Tish. You accept Judge O'Kelly?"

"What? Oh, sure!" She was a vapid little thing, vacantly pretty, curvy, perhaps fourteen. Slot-machine type, and how she might wind up. Sort who prefers being queen over pack of stilyagi to solid marriage. I don't blame stilyagi; they chase around corridors because not enough females. Work all day and nothing to go home to at night.

"Okay, court has been accepted and all are bound to abide by my verdict. Let's settle fees. How high can you boys go? Please understand I'm not going to judge an elimination for dimes. So ante up or I turn him loose."

Leader blinked, they went into huddle. Shortly he turned and said, "We don't have much. Will you do it for five Kong dollars apiece?"

Six of them--"No. Ought not to ask a court to judge elimination at that price."

They huddled again. "Fifty dollars, Judge?"

"Sixty. Ten each. And another ten from you, Tish," I said to girl.

She looked surprised, indignant. "Come, come!" I said. "Tanstaafl."

She blinked and reached into pouch. She had money; types like that always have.

I collected seventy dollars, laid it on desk, and said to tourist, "Can match it?"

"Beg pardon?"

"Kids are paying seventy dollars Hong Kong for judgment. You should match it. If you can't, open pouch and prove it and can owe it to me. But that's your share." I added, "Cheap, for a capital case. But kids can't pay much so you get a bargain."

"I see. I believe I see." He matched with seventy Hong Kong.

"Thank you," I said. "Now does either side want a jury?" Girl's eyes lit up. "Sure! Let's do it right." Earthworm said, "Under the circumstances perhaps I need one."

"Can have it," I assured. "Want a counsel?"

"Why, I suppose I need a lawyer, too."

"I said 'counsel,' not 'lawyer.' Aren't any lawyers here." Again he seemed delighted. "I suppose counsel, if I elected to have one, would be of the same, uh, informal quality as the rest of these proceedings?"

"Maybe, maybe not. I'm informal sort of judge, that's all. Suit yourself."

"Mm. I think I'll rely on your informality, your honor."

Oldest lad said, "Uh, this jury. You pick up chit? Or do we?"

"I pay it; I agreed to judge for a hundred forty, gross. Haven't you been in court before? But not going to kill my net for extra I could do without. Six jurymen, five dollars each. See who's in Alley."

One boy stepped out and shouted, "Jury work! Five-dollar job!"

They rounded up six men and were what you would expect in Bottom Alley. Didn't worry me as had no intention of paying mind to them. If you go judge, better in good neighborhood with chance of getting solid citizens.

I went behind desk, sat down, put on Brody's plug hat--wondered where he had found it. Probably a castoff from some lodge. "Court's in session," I said. "Let's have names and tell me beef."

Oldest lad was named. Slim Lemke, girl war Patricia Carmen Zhukov; don't remember others. Tourist stepped up, reached into pouch and said, "My card, sir."

I still have it. It read:

STUART RENE LaJOIE

Poet--Traveler--Soldier of Fortune

Beef was tragically ridiculous, fine example of why tourists should not wander around without guides. Sure, guides bleed them white--but isn't that what a tourist is for? This one almost lost life from lack of guidance.

Had wandered into a taproom which lets stilyagi hang out, a sort of clubroom. This simple female had flirted with him. Boys had let matter be, as of course they had to as long as she invited it. But at some point she had laughed and let him have a fist in ribs. He had taken it as casually as a Loonie would... but had answered in distinctly earthworm manner; slipped arm around waist and pulled her to him, apparently tried to kiss her.

Now believe me, in North America this wouldn't matter; I've seen things much like it. But of course Tish was astonished, perhaps frightened. She screamed.

And pack of boys set upon him and roughed him up. Then decided he had to pay for his "crime"--but do it correctly. Find a judge.

Most likely they chickened. Chances are not one had ever dealt with an elimination. But their lady had been insulted, had to be done.

I questioned them, especially Tish, and decided I had it straight. Then said, "Let me sum up. Here we have a stranger. Doesn't know our ways. He offended, he's guilty. But meant no offense far as I can see. What does jury say? Hey, you there!--wake up! What you say?"

Juryman looked up blearily, said, "'Liminate him!"

"Very well? And you?"

"Well--" Next one hesitated. "Guess it would be enough just to beat tar out of him, so he'll know better next time. Can't have men pawing women, or place will get to be as bad as they say Terra is."

"Sensible," I agreed. "And you?"

Only one juror voted for elimination. Others ranged from a beating to very high fines.

"What do you think, Slim?"

"Well--" He was worried--face in front of gang, face in front of what might be his girl. But had cooled down and didn't want chum eliminated. "We already worked him over. Maybe if he got down on hands and knees and kissed floor in front of Tish and said he was sorry?"

"Will you do that, Gospodin LaJoie?"

"If you so rule, your honor."

"I don't. Here's my verdict. First that juryman--you!--you are fined fee paid you because you fell asleep while supposed to be judging. Grab him, boys, take it away from him and throw him out."