Now we waited for Christine, the neighborhood babysitter. Any moment she would roar up in her minivan and I would take Bernie downstairs, stuff him inside the vehicle with the other kids Christine watched, or maybe abandoned to watch each other while she scouted fiesta-mix specials at Costco. We knew the price of Christine's criminally low price, namely that under her supervision, or lack thereof, Bernie was becoming a criminal. Child care was like everything else. You got what you paid for, and your child paid for what you could not pay for.

We hoped his school's fuzzy fervor might afford some balance. Still, even now, after so much Salamanderine propaganda about kindness and cooperation, no peer encounter began without a toy grab or a gut punch.

I would despair, thrill, each time.

A few seasons in Christine's cement yard with Queens County's puniest toughs and Bernie had the strut of an old-time dockside hustler. It was hard to imagine the boy completing kindergarten, remarkably easy to picture him in a tangle of fish knives and sailor cock under some rot-soft pier.

Now Bernie continued his mango-slickened Danish circuit. Maura did her primps, her mirror checks, her grooming despotic through the scrim of my hangover.

"What are you going to do today?" she said, whipped her wet hair, buttoned her blouse.

"I've got errands. Might try to get some stamps."

"Don't overextend yourself."

"I'll be careful."

Maura pointed to her skirt, her nearly assless habitation of it: "Does this make you look fat?"

An old joke. I mimed my old-joke chuckle. Maybe it was some version of Purdy's.

"What are you going to do today?"

"Whatever Candace tells me to do, that bitch."

Candace supervised Maura at the marketing consultancy. They were currently working on a memo about need creation for a women's magazine. I'd never met Candace but I'd often found myself with a need to create a picture of her. The picture was different each time. Sometimes Candace was a little dumpy, or knobby. Sometimes she was muscular and sleek. Sometimes she licked Maura's knees in a supply closet, though I had no idea if their office had a supply closet.

"Sorry?" said Maura.

"Nothing. I love you, that's all."

"Ficklesnatch, you bad ones!"

Bernie had more mango wedges.

"Make sure you clean the walls before that stuff dries," said Maura, kissed Bernie, ducked out the door.

It was just me and my destroyer now. I looked for signs of human feeling in his dead, wet eyes.

Let go, let go.

We both jumped at the honk. Christine's corrections wagon idled at the curb. I walked Bernie out, strapped him into a car seat just notionally fastened to the seat back. They were only going a few blocks. Why be rude? A little girl in a tank top, with a washable tattoo of a monster truck on what would someday be her bosom, put Bernie in a headlock, bit down playfully on his carotid artery.

"Young love," said Christine. "Say goodbye to Daddy, Bernie."

My son whimpered and Christine laughed, fired up a DVD for the backseat screens. It was sacrilege in these precincts to drive even a few minutes without cinematic wonders for the passengers. What played now appeared to be that movie about the crucifixion, the one everybody got so worked up about, so heavy on the blood and bones and approximated Aramaic.

"Do you think the kids are ready for this?" I said.

"Was He ready?" said Christine, shot from the curb.

"I'll pick up at four!" I called.

The deli near Mediocre had a new wrap man. He rolled my order too tight. Turkey poked through the tan skin. I studied the damage through the translucent lid of the container. It was a bad way to begin my first day at my old job.

I rode the elevator up with Dean Cooley.

"A new start," I beamed.

He nodded, appeared unable to place me.

"Milo Burke," I said. "Back in action."

Cooley stroked his mustache. The door slid open and he stepped off, glanced once over his shoulder as he went.

The development office looked about the same, with certain modifications. My desk, for example, had disappeared, or else been annexed in some office furniture Anschluss orchestrated by Horace. There he lounged now near the window, spread out in an L-shaped command nook of his own, eating ribs from a foil bag.

"Dude," he said into his phone, "I just know I'm going to bag this old biddy. She's got to be good for some serious paper heroin… Yes, I mean money… Dude, I don't know if that's the latest slang, it's my slang. We all have our own nowadays… Anyway, I'm deep in her geriatric ass. I've sort of become her protege. Her son died cliffsurfing a few years ago and I'm like her new son. No offense… Well, it's sort of like base jumping. But more radical."

I could tell Horace was talking to his mother. He spoke to her daily. I had always been a little envious. My mother and I hardly conversed. Since Bernie had been born, we had not gone often to the house in New Jersey where I grew up and where Claudia now lived with her partner, Francine, but things had decayed before that. I traced it to the year my father got sick and we argued about his treatment. Though I was the first to admit I resented the man, preoccupied as he was with his pleasures, adrift in some dream of sleaze, he was still my father, and after the diagnosis I championed all the heroic measures, the experimental chemos, the scalpels and rally caps, any long shot on tap. Maybe I demanded those things precisely because I resented him. But my mother had his ear, convinced him to go gentle into that shitty night. They had caught the cancer late and it had spread quickly, but I wondered if he agreed to slip away out of weariness or a sense of penance.

Meanwhile, the liberation Claudia had felt since the death of her mother and her husband, the nearly Bataan march terms with which she described the slog and heartbreak of her pre-Francine existence, grated. My father had been a scumbag. There was no counter-argument. He cheated on my mother, bragged about his "nooners," seduced my babysitter, sold her quaaludes. Between work and infidelity, he hadn't even been around that much. Mostly it was my mother and I in that house on Eisenhower Road. We'd had hard times, but also some beautiful ones, full of oatmeal cookies and scary stories, the floor covered with butcher paper and us painting murals of pirates and dragons and roller-skating wraiths. We spent hours curled up together with books on her husbandless bed. Did she remember those occasions at all? Were they no consolation? Was I an ass to think they could be?

Yes, I'm sure I was an ass. Maybe I was jealous of her bliss. She took terms like "self-actualize" seriously, or even actually, had a toned senior body, a monumental sense of certainty. She trained for ultra-marathons. I got winded on the Mediocre stairs.

She was not much of a grandmother, refused even the name. Claudia and Francine, that is how Bernie was to address his grandmothers those rare occasions he saw them. I didn't mind this. I liked Francine, appreciated any instant granting of progressive status. Less work for me. But I guess I just craved, in my twitching little-boy heart, for my mother to want us around, to maybe even nudge and nag the way grandmothers did in advertisements for stewy soups.

Now she came off more the charismatic aunt. Maybe she had actualized into my father. Perhaps a magic portal existed that I needed to step through, too, so I could leave the planet of the weak and whiny, which I imagined at this moment as a humid orb stuffed with pinkish meat and warmed-over chipotle dijonnaise, though that could have been my lunch talking, or imagining, for me.

I pulled a chair up to the far edge of Horace's elongated workstation, popped my wrap lid.