Have to give the matter some thought?

I perhaps lied about this.

‘You are asking,’ I said, ‘whether I would care to leave war-torn London and come with you to what can surely be described as nothing less than an Earthly paradise?’

‘I think you will find it to your liking,’ said the princess. ‘Would you care for more wine? And have some sweeties too. You will be a hero in our land, for returning that which was stolen from us.’

‘A hero,’ I said and I sipped at my wine and accepted a sweetie too. The prospect of returning with this beautiful creature to Narnia^TM, or wherever it was that she had come from, leaving the horror of London behind was certainly tempting.

To put it mildly.

And of course-

But then there was a terrible

WHOOMPH!

And things went black for me.

And I awoke to find myself aching in places that I never even knew that I had, in the sitting room of Mr Hugo Rune.

‘Oh no!’ I went and tears leaped to my eyes. ‘I dreamed it, I know I did. None of it was real.’

And Mr Rune did pattings at my shoulder and offered me whisky to drink. And although I have never been particularly good with whisky, as it tends to catch on the back of my throat and I find myself spitting it all down my front, on this occasion I took it gratefully and poured it into my mouth.

‘She was so beautiful,’ I said. ‘I should have known it was too good to be true.’

And Mr Rune now took my glass and filled it up once more. ‘The tramp steamer was torpedoed,’ he said. ‘You have Lord Jason here to thank for saving your life.’

‘Hi de ho,’ went Lord Jason, grinning over Mr Rune’s shoulder and waggling fingers at me. ‘We asked the Royal Navy to hold fire until I’d rescued you, but they got a tad trigger-happy.’

‘But how did you-’ And I looked from the one to the other of them and asked just what had happened.

‘To be frank with you, Rizla,’ said Hugo Rune, ‘I was not entirely frank with you.’

‘Now this does surprise me,’ I said, as it did not surprise me at all.

‘Firstly, Lord Jason and I did not really get tiddly in the rear of the Roller. We only acted that way-’

‘So you could be a hero,’ Lord Jason put in.

‘Quite so,’ said Hugo Rune. ‘We were looking out for you, of course, so that no harm came to you.’

‘But they beat me up,’ I protested, ‘on the brewer’s dray. And a bogus beefeater sat on my head. And farted too, as it happens.’

‘No lasting harm,’ said Hugo Rune. ‘I would have stepped in if they’d actually decided to kill you.’

I did not say, ‘Well, that is a relief,’ because frankly it was not.

‘We wanted the whole gang, you see,’ Mr Rune continued. ‘We wanted to know where they went and how they meant to escape.’

‘We followed in a submarine,’ said Lord Jason. ‘Mr Rune is a friend of the captain and he let me steer some of the way.’

‘They will no doubt be able to rebuild that bridge,’ said Hugo Rune. ‘But to continue: once out at sea the naval chappies decided that the best thing was simply to torpedo the tramp steamer and send all the villains to the bottom of the sea.’

‘And me with them,’ I said.

‘Hence Lord Jason’s bravery. He swam over, fought off villains and rescued you.’

‘Well, thanks very much indeed,’ I said to Lord Jason. ‘And what about the Crown jewels? Did you rescue them too?’

‘Ah,’ said Hugo Rune. ‘Ah.’

‘ “Ah”?’ I said. ‘Does that mean “no”?’

‘It does mean no,’ said the Perfect Master. ‘The Crown jewels have gone to Davy Jones. But let us not worry for that, they’ll be back on display tomorrow.’

‘Davy Jones is going to return them, then, is he?’ I asked. As I tipped more whisky into my mouth.

‘Not as such, Rizla. Which is where the matter of me being frank with you must be brought into play. You see, the Crown jewels are not really the Crown jewels, which is to say that they are only reproductions of the real Crown jewels.’

‘Oh,’ I said. ‘I see. The real Crown jewels are in a safe place.’

‘No, my dear Rizla, they’re not. The real Crown jewels were broken up and sold at the beginning of the war to raise money for tanks. But this is top secret, so you can’t breathe a word of it.’

‘So it was all a waste of time,’ I said. ‘The robbers stealing fake Crown jewels and me getting the hiding of my life for no good reason at all. There really is no justice in this world and I have really had quite enough.’ And I finished my drink. And I put down my glass. And I folded my arms and I sulked.

‘Well, I must be toddling along now,’ said Lord Jason. ‘Have a dinner date at my club. The Diogenes. Pop in some time if you’re passing, toodle-oo.’

And with that he left. Though I thanked him once more as he did so.

‘Another small helping of whisky,’ asked Hugo Rune, ‘to warm up those cockles of yours?’

‘I am disgusted,’ I said, ‘by the whole thing. There is no justice in this world and everything is evil.’

‘There is some justice,’ said Hugo Rune. ‘And although unwittingly, you played your part in bringing it to be.’

‘How so?’ I asked, for I was baffled by this.

‘A small, or rather not so small, matter of a certain ring.’

‘A certain ring?’ I said in surprise. ‘And what certain ring would this be?’

‘The Ring of Power™, perhaps,’ said Hugo Rune, ‘which now is once more in Purple Fane in the hands of a certain princess.’

‘You are telling me that she was real?’ I said. ‘That I did not dream her? That she really exists?’

‘Of course,’ said Hugo Rune. ‘But I did not wish to discuss the matter in front of Lord Jason. He is a member of the aristocracy, after all. In fact it was one of his ancestors who stole the ring and presented it as a gift to a medieval King of England.’

‘Would you mind just explaining a little bit more,’ I said. ‘I really am completely baffled now.’

‘The princess came to London to recover the ring, but having visited the treasure house at the Tower, she knew that she could not recover it alone. And so she hired certain East End revolutionaries to make a political statement and send a letter to Lord Jason’s family. I rather suspect that the princess put that idea into their heads – it was a good diversion, as then no one would ever suspect the real reason for the theft.’

‘And you reasoned all this out for yourself?’ I said.

‘Well, not entirely – the princess did tell me some of it, when I pulled her from the sinking tramp steamer.’

‘But you said that she was probably back in her magical kingdom by now.’

‘I arranged transportation myself,’ said Hugo Rune. ‘It seemed the just thing to do.’

‘The just thing to do?’ And I shrugged as I said it. ‘As in the card I picked, JUSTICE.’

Hugo Rune nodded. ‘And even though my knighthood must wait until another day, it would seem that all’s well that ends well. Although one thing still remains to be done.’

‘And what is that?’ I asked.

‘You really need to take a bath, young Rizla. You smell most odiously of horse.’