‘Only me now!’ she cried and she howled like a wolf. ‘And so I must have revenge for the death of my sister. I’ll tear your throat but let you live, and you shall be like me.’ And so there was a terrible ripping and tearing of clothing and the beast rose up to gnaw at my throat and transform me into a werewolf.

And I prepared once more to meet my maker. Hopefully to meet my maker, for death would be better than the werewolf alternative.

And the terrible jaws with their terrible teeth came closer and closer and cl-

But then I saw that wolf face seem to fold, the jaws gaped wide but then dropped slack and I heard a swish and a swish and a swish and the monstrous beast fell past me.

It plunged over the rail and down and down and into the ocean below.

And I stared boggle-eyed into the face of my deliverer.

For Hugo Rune was wiping down the swordstick blade of his stout stick cane.

‘Well, Rizla,’ he said. ‘This is a sorry business. You look, I must say, just a little pale, caught there in the light of THE MOON.’

THE WHEEL OF FORTUNE

We sat at the bar upon chromium stools and I had an all-over shiver. Hugo Rune ordered me something strong and Fangio served it to me.

‘It was horrible,’ I told the Magus, as I poured out the details. ‘They were going to eat me. Horrible it was, just horrible. And Baron von Bacon’s Hell Hound was on board too. And that was really horrible and-’

Hugo Rune nodded in a manner suggestive of the fact that he knew just how horrible it all was. And then he did sniffings at me. ‘Pooh,’ he said. ‘You really pong. First it was of horses from the Tower of London, and now-’ and he sniffed and did noddings of the head ‘-a perfume created from the gonads of the white wolf. Such a scent would surely attract any wolf, were or otherwise.’

I drank some more and grew sulky. ‘And they all knew,’ I grumped. ‘These rich swine, when they sniffed me and turned away their heads, they knew I was marked for death.’

‘If this has, as I suspect, been going on for some time, then it would be a case of “rather him than me”.’

‘It has been going on since the start of the war,’ I said. ‘Those monsters have been living aboard this ship since then.’

‘Fascinating,’ said Hugo Rune. ‘I have not encountered one of their kind for more than fifty years. My blade, thrice-blessed for such business, has happily not lost its edge.’

‘And you have saved my life once more,’ said I, brightening. ‘And I am very grateful for that. Thank you so much, Mr Rune.’

‘I could not let my acolyte come to harm. Even if he did ignore my plea and swan off to dinner instead.’

‘Your plea?’ I said.

‘The message you received in the dining salon.’

‘So it was you who wrote the message. But-’

‘You fail to understand. Yes, I see. She slipped me a sleeping draught, Rizla, this Esmerelle of yours. A Mickey Finn, as it were. She arrived at my suite with a cocktail that I had not ordered and then waited while I drank it. I was tricked once more, Rizla. I really do feel that I am losing my edge.’

‘But the message?’

‘I felt the drug taking hold and I feigned unconsciousness. She left my quarters, then I hastily scribbled the note and rang for room service.’

‘It said you were dying,’ I said.

‘I might well have been.’

‘You just looked like you were sleeping peacefully when I saw you.’

‘A sleeping draught will create such an effect, Rizla. They wanted me out of the way while they dined upon you. They were no doubt thinking to reserve me for the next full moon. Had you taken my message at face value you would have sat with me in my bedchamber, and possibly remained safe until I regained consciousness. However, you-’

‘Yes,’ I said. ‘All right. You just looked so peaceful and all those medics were there.’

‘In on the conspiracy,’ said Hugo Rune. ‘I can assure you, Rizla, they felt the wrath of my stout stick when I awoke.’

Fangio served us further drinks and these we downed in silence. Presently Fangio tired of this silence and took once more to the toot.

‘I was chatting,’ said he, ‘with the first mate. And the first mate says that this is the worst trip he’s ever been on. And he’s travelled on some stinkers – he was aboard the Sloop John B, you know.’

‘Really?’ I said. And I yawned.

‘And there’s three waiters working here who survived the Titanic.’

‘Really?’ I said. And I yawned while I said it.

‘And the captain fell overboard on our first night out and was drowned.’

‘Nobody mentioned that,’ said Hugo Rune.

‘The first mate said that they didn’t want to panic the passengers. Lots of posh Eastern European nannas and suchlike.’

‘Hm,’ I said, without a yawn. And then said, ‘Hm,’ again.

‘So, being a democratic crew, they drew lots to see who should captain the ship.’

‘Oh dear,’ I said. ‘I think I know what is coming. Break out the lifeboats, Mr Rune – Captain Fangio is steering us into an iceberg.’

‘Oh, don’t be so silly,’ said Fangio. ‘They only drew lots amongst the long-standing seaman types. And a worthy fellow now steers the ship.’

‘Well, thank whatever for that,’ I said.

‘And funnily enough,’ Fangio continued, ‘he’s a Brentford man. I wonder if you ever ran into him. His name is Pooley, Jimmy Pooley.’

There was a moment of silence there.

Just before I screamed.

‘Hold on, hold on, hold on, please,’ said Fangio. ‘No screaming in the posh bar. Not until tomorrow night anyway. I have been elected games and entertainment officer and put in charge of bar fun generally. I thought I’d start off with a Weeping and Wailing Competition tomorrow night.’

‘No!’ I protested. ‘You do not understand. We are all doomed, doomed, I say.’

‘You’d be in with a chance with that kind of wailing. But please keep it down now, you are frightening my monkey.’

‘Sorry, Clarence,’ I said to the creature, ‘but we really are all doomed.’

Mr Rune said, ‘Please speak clearly.’

So speak clearly I did.

‘James Pooley,’ I said, ‘Brentford’s James Pooley is now captaining the ship. And this would be – how should I put this? – well, how about James Jonah Pooley, sole survivor of many a shipwreck, scourge of the seven seas. A man, if ever there was one, who was born to wear an albatross around his neck.’

‘I agree that he does have something of a reputation for that kind of thing,’ said Fangio. ‘But you shouldn’t go tarnishing someone with a sticky brush just because they ate the parson’s nose. Or is it the other way round?’

‘It does not work for me either way,’ I said. ‘But trust me on this: if James “Down-with-all-hands-but-me” Pooley is at the helm, I am wearing my lifebelt for the remainder of the voyage.’

‘I’ve been wearing mine since we left port,’ said Fangio, lifting the hem of his blouse to expose said item, ‘although not by choice. I was trying it on for size in my cabin and sort of got stuck in it. Funny thing that, really. Once I was vacuuming the house and it was a hot day and I was vacuuming naked and I fell forwards and you’ll never guess what happened-’

‘Correct,’ said Hugo Rune, ‘because we will certainly never attempt to. Let us take another cocktail, Rizla, then let us take to our beds.’

I have to admit that I did not sleep well. My dreams were haunted by snapping wolves on sinking ships and all was not right with the world. But then all was not right with the world and I was seriously beginning to wonder whether Hugo Rune and I really would be able to put the world to right. To my reckoning there were three tarot cards left. THE WHEEL OF FORTUNE, THE TOWER and the one with the sticking plaster on it, the terrible card known as DEATH. Just the three. And how near were we to putting the world to right? To stopping America being blown into nuclear fragments? Not too near, in my opinion. In fact just about as distant as we could possibly be. And so I did not sleep well and I did not have pleasant dreams.