"Marcia," I said. "How nice. Won't you come in?"

"No," she said and beckoned.

I slid in but left the door ajar a few inches in case I had to make a hasty exit. If she was as dotty as Connie had implied, a fast retreat might become necessary. I know there are times when my father is convinced he spawned a dunderhead, but there are also times when I have the wit to calculate possible dangers and take the proper precautions.

She didn't turn to look at me but stared straight ahead through the windshield. "She's selling our home," she announced. "The studio. Everything. Even my bed. Can she do that?"

I thought it best to feign ignorance, hoping she was not aware of my visit that afternoon.

"Your mother?" I asked.

"Stepmother," she corrected me angrily. "Can she sell the house?"

"Is the title in her name?"

"Yes."

"Then she can dispose of it any way she wishes."

"Shit!" she said furiously. "I love that place. Where am I going to live?"

"Surely she'll buy or lease another dwelling. Perhaps smaller but just as attractive and comfortable."

"I don't want another," she said. "I'm not going to live with her anymore. Never, never, never!"

She seemed so distraught I hesitated to say anything but felt I had to express sympathy for her plight. "Do you have family or friends you could stay with?" I asked.

"I told you I have no one. It's all his fault."

"Whose fault?"

"Hector Johnson. That bitch's father."

The word didn't shock me so much as her tone. Pure venom.

"Marcia," I said quietly, "sometimes things happen we feel are outrageous. The best thing to do is accept with resignation and as much grace as we can muster."

Finally she turned to look at me. "That's bullshit," she said. "I'm not going to meekly accept what's happening. I've done that all my life-accept. But I'm not going to do it anymore. Believe me, I know what's going on."

"What's going on?" I asked her.

"That's for me to know and you to find out," she answered, a response so childish I felt like weeping. "You know that saying: Don't get mad, get even? That's what I'm going to do-get even."

"I hope you won't do anything foolish," I ventured.

Her laugh was a cackle. "They're the fools," she said. "Not me. They'd like to put me away-did you know that?"

I was overwhelmed by her mysteries. "Who wants to put you away? For what? And where?"

"I'm as normal as you are," she said hotly, which I thought was an artless comparison. "You're sure she can sell the house?"

"She can," I repeated, "if the title is in her name."

"That's all I wanted to know," she said. "You can go now."

This abrupt, impolite dismissal was a minor affront from an obviously disturbed young woman, and I was happy to make my escape. I started to climb out of the Jeep when she suddenly yanked me back and kissed me on the lips, her tongue darting.

"There!" she cried. "See?"

I got out and before I could turn and close the door she had started up and pulled away with engine roar and a spurt of gravel. I stood there and watched the Cherokee make a wild turn onto Ocean Boulevard and speed away.

I went back upstairs to finish my marc and hear Jolson singing "Baby Face." I worked steadily on my journal until eleven-thirty. Then I closed up shop and, feeling brain dead, prepared for bed. But the aggravations of that wretched day had not yet ended.

My phone rang. Not buzzed but rang.

"Hi, luv," Connie Garcia said cheerily. "I'm home safe and sound. All locked up, bolted, and chained. I knew you'd want to know."

"Yes," I said.

"I hate to tell you this, Archy, but I had a wonderful time tonight."

"Why should you hate to tell me?" I said, gritting the old bicuspids. "I'm happy you enjoyed yourself."

"And Binky," she said, giggling. "I also enjoyed him."

It was too much.

"He's such good company," she prattled on. "Why didn't you tell me he can do birdcalls."

"Oh yes," I said. "His imitation of a loon is especially realistic."

"And tomorrow night it's Ferdy Attenborough," she went on blithely. "We're going to La Vieille Maison in Boca."

"How nice," I said stiffly. "Do try the quail with grapes."

"I intend to," she said. "It'll be a welcome change from cheeseburgers at the Pelican Club. Actually, I called to tell you that you were exactly right. You and I should become more socially active. Separately. I mean we should both date other people. Our relationship was becoming much too restrictive. Don't you agree?"

It was impossible to disagree since I had been warbling that tune for years. "As long as you're happy," I said.

"Oh, I am," she said. "Deliriously. I hope you don't mind, Archy."

"Mind?" I said loftily. "Of course not. Why on earth should I mind?"

"I'm glad to hear you say that. On Monday Wes Trumbaugh is taking me to a dinner-dance at his club."

"Wes Trumbaugh?" I screamed. "Connie, that man is the biggest lecher in Palm Beach!"

"Oooo," she said, "that does sound fascinating. Goodnight, Archy, and sleep well."

She hung up. Sleep well? Hah! I fiercely punched my pillows twice, once for Binky, once for Ferdy. Then I added a third for Wes Trumbaugh.

I would prefer not to write about that weekend. I would prefer it never happened. I would prefer the world went directly from Friday night to Monday morning.

But unfortunately it did occur: two ghastly days during which I made a complete ass of myself and am still apologizing for my abominable conduct.

I shall not detail all my disgraceful actions during those forty-eight hours. Suffice to say that I ate too much, drank too much, smoked too much, laughed too loudly, and told pointless jokes. My most shameful memory is standing on a table at the Pelican Club at two a.m. Sunday morning trying to recite "When Lilacs Last in the Dooryard Bloom'd" to a jeering audience as hammered as I.

I awoke on Monday wondering if it might be possible to commit hara-kiri with my Swiss Army knife. An ax-murderer, having dispatched wife, children, in-laws, and the family dog, always tells the police, "The devil made me do it." I would have liked to make that defense but my pride would not allow it. No, my beastly behavior was completely the fault of yrs. truly, Archibald McNally.

I usually scrape my jowls with a conventional single-edged razor but that morning, being somewhat unsteady, I opted for an electric shaver, fearing I might nick the old jugular. It was only after drinking a quart of cold water and a pint of hot coffee that I started to regain a slight semblance of normality.

I arrived at the office before noon, determined that henceforth I would forswear cigarettes, strong drink, and ham hocks. I sat at my desk, absentmindedly lighted an English Oval, and jumpstarted my groggy cerebrum. The result of my lucubrations? The murder of Silas Hawkin was really none of my business. The murder of Shirley Feebling was really none of my business. My job was merely to investigate the bona fides of Theodosia Johnson.

Yet I could not ignore a conviction that the two homicides and my assignment were inextricably mixed. One loose end that might lead to untangling this snarl was Reuben Hagler, the self-styled investment adviser of Fort Lauderdale. Another was Marcia Hawkin's fury and implied threats. A third was the don't-give-a-damn attitude of Madam X. And the fourth was her father's patent attempt to cozy up to the Widow Hawkin.

This logical recap included all of my questions but provided none of the answers. So I decided to forgo logic, do a bit of improv riffing and see what happened. Hey, if you can't get a little fun from your job, seek employment elsewhere. Thus spaketh A. McNally.

Pinky Schatz. Do you remember the name?