Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “How, in a free country such as this, can we ban video games and golf, yet continue to permit stamp-collecting?” You’re absolutely right, and I’m only sorry I didn’t think of it myself. It would be hard to conceive of an activity more useless than stamp-collecting, except maybe water-skiing or the Rose Bowl parade, so I suppose these things will have to be banned too, along with fraternal organizations, music, tropical fish, racquetball, and any activity whatsoever involving Ed McMahon. Also, anybody attempting to operate a beauty pageant should be shot without trial.

Of course, this is only a partial list of the useless, fiber-destroying activities that should be banned, and I’m sure you’ll think of plenty more when you write to your elected officials. The important thing isn’t so much what you want to ban; it’s the fact that you participate in the banning process. That’s what democracy is all about.

I strongly suspect that the people who appear in television commercials are imported from the planet Jupiter. I can think of no other way to explain their behavior. Take, for example, the commercials for Coca-Cola in which an extremely interracial group of people gathers on a hillside, holding candles, and sings:

I’d like to teach the world to sing In perfect har-mo-nee I’d like to buy the world a Coke And keep it com-pa-nee.

This is not the way native Earth people behave. Native Earth people do not gather interracially on hillsides for any purpose other than to watch motorcyclists leap over cars. And native Earth people, at least the ones I know, see no connection whatsoever between Coca-Cola and world harmony. In fact, I’m willing to bet statistics would show that Coca-Cola sales and world tension have both been increasing steadily for the past thirty years or so.

Now don’t get me wrong. I am not saying Coca-Cola causes world tension. I happen to be very fond of Coca-Cola. It tastes fine, and it makes an excellent industrial cleanser. I’m just saying the people in Coca-Cola’s commercials either are deranged or come from another planet.

And it’s not just Coca-Cola commercials. You can watch commercials for days and never see anything approaching normal human behavior. I think that, in the interest of honesty, the government ought to pass a law requiring companies to use regular Earth people in their commercials. Here’s how they would behave:

(The commercial opens with a white-haired man and a dark-haired man standing in an office.)

WHITE-HAIRED MAN: I’M worried that the boss won’t give me that Big Promotion.

DARK-HAIRED MAN: That’s because you look too old. Here, take this hair-darkening stuff home and smear it in your hair every night.

WHITE-HAIRED MAN: Thanks a million. I’ll try it.

(The scene shifts to the boss’s office, several weeks later. The formerly white-haired man now has extremely dark, glossy hair. He looks as though he has a wet cat on his head.)

BOSS: I called you in here to tell you I’ve decided to give you ... My God, what’s that on your head?

FORMERLY WHITE-HAIRED MAN: My hair. I’ve been smearing stuff on it every night.

BOSS: It looks like a wet cat.

FORMERLY WHITE-HAIRED MAN: What did you want to see me about? Boss: Uh, nothing. On your way out, ask my secretary to send in somebody who looks distinguished.

(A woman is sitting at a table on which are four bowls. She is facing many bright lights. From behind the lights, a faceless man is talking to her.)

FACELESS MAN: Mrs. Jones, do you have a headache?

WOMAN: Yes, and those lights aren’t helping one bit.

FACELESS MAN: Which of these leading pain relievers do you think has the most laboratory-proven pain-killing ingredient?

WOMAN: You mean aspirin, right? Why do you guys always dream up these elaborate names for aspirin? Why don’t you just call it aspirin? And why are you hiding behind those lights?

FACELESS mAN: Look, this leading brand has only 450 milligrams of laboratory-proven pain-killing ingredient. And this brand has only 450

milligrams. And this brand has only ...

WOMAN: Shut up! Just shut up! Isn’t it bad enough that I have a headache? Do I also have to sit here in front of a bunch of hot lights and listen to some idiot blither about milligrams? I’m going to go home and take some aspirin.

(Two people are standing at a cocktail party, smoking cigarettes.)

FIRST SMOKER: Say, I have an idea: Why don’t you exhale some cigarette smoke through this white handkerchief?

SECOND SMOKER: That sounds like a swell idea. (He blows some smoke through the handkerchief.)

FIRST SMOKER: Look at that brown glop. Imagine what that’s doing to your teeth.

SECOND SMOKER: My teeth? What about my lungs, for God’s sake? I’ve got to quit.

(The first smoker coughs violently and spits something disgusting into the handkerchief.)

(A woman and her husband are shopping in a supermarket. A man with a microphone approaches them.)

MAN WITH MICROPHONE: Mrs. Brown, which do you think your husband would rather have for dinner: potatoes or Stove-Top Stuffing?

WOMAN: I don’t see where that’s any of your business.

MAN WITH MICROPHONE: Well, Mr. Brown?

HUSBAND: Geez, I don’t know. Stove-Top Stuffing, I guess.

MAN WITH MICROPHONE: Well, Mrs. Brown, what do you think of that?

WOMAN: I think that if my husband is going to go around telling perfect strangers that he doesn’t like the food I cook, then he can cook his own damn food.

(Two men are talking at a party, as their wives listen.)

FIRST MAN: I’m feeling really wrung out lately.

SECOND MAN (jeeringly): That’s because you’ve got ring around the collar. Ha ha.

(The first man shakes his head sadly, then walks away.)

SECOND MAN: What’s with him?

SECOND MAN’S WIFE: His mother just died, you idiot.

First of all, let me assure you that we are not in a depression. The key economic indicator of a depression is that you suddenly start seeing a lot of primitive black-and-white newsreel films of people wearing old-fashioned hats and overcoats and forming lines in the streets of major cities to obtain bread. So far, all the lines of people have been videotaped in color, which is the sign of a stable economy. Also, the people have not been lining up for bread. They have been lining up for cheese, which the government has several million tons of.

Some of you are no doubt wondering why the government has so much cheese. It’s because of the Strategic Dairy Products Act, which was passed in 1947 to guarantee that the nation never becomes dependent on some unreliable foreign power, such as France, for its cheese supply. So for years the government has been paying huge sums of money to dairy farmers for cheese that winds up sitting in government warehouses as a permanent reminder to the cheese-making nations of the world that we are a strong, self-reliant people.

The problem is that after a few years the cheese hardens to the consistency of formica, and the government has to get rid of it. The original plan, developed by Alexander Haig, was to drop the cheese from Air Force bombers onto rebel troops in El Salvador, but military analysts pointed out that the rebels might be able to melt it down and eat it, so the government decided instead to give it to poor people here in the United States. But this should not be taken as a sign that we are in a depression.