A few years ago, we had a serviceperson come to our house regularly to try to repair our television set. He had this ritual: He would arrive with six hundred pounds of tools, select a screwdriver, take the back off the television, and stare at the insides as if he had been raised by a primitive Brazilian jungle tribe and had never seen a television before. Then he would put the cover back on, load his six hundred pounds of tools back onto the truck, and leave. Once, to prove he was sincerely interested in the problem, he took the television with him and kept it for several months. Finally, my wife and I took the cover off ourselves and blew on the insides of the television; it worked fine after that, and the serviceperson didn’t come around anymore, which was sort of a shame, because he was getting to be like one of the family.

Another time, the motor on our forty-five-dollar vacuum cleaner broke, so I took the vacuum to a serviceperson, who took it apart but couldn’t fix the motor. So I sent it to the factory, which fixed the motor for twenty-five dollars but didn’t put the vacuum cleaner together again. So finally I took the parts to the Service Center, which is where people go when they are really desperate. You go in and take a number, then you sit with the other appliance owners, who are clutching their toasters and radios and hoping the counter person will call their numbers before their food and water runs out.

Finally the counter person called my number, and I explained to him that my vacuum cleaner was not broken, that I merely wanted him to Put it together again. I had trouble getting this message across, because the counter person had obviously spent several years in an IQ-reduction program. He’d say: “Well, what’s wrong with it?” And I’d say: “Nothing’s wrong with it. I just want you to put it together.” And he’d say: “Well, what’s wrong with it?” And so on.

Eventually, he got the picture, and he took my vacuum cleaner parts to the fellows back in the Shop, and together they came up with an estimate of eighty-seven dollars to put them together again. This means that we would have paid a total of $112 to repair a forty-five-dollar cleaner, so instead we bought a new vacuum cleaner, which is, of course, what they wanted us to do in the first place.

Well, I’m afraid the government will have the same sort of problem. They’ll buy a snappy new MX missile system, and everything will be fine until the Russians attack us, at which point we’ll have bombs raining down on Ohio while the guys down the Pentagon are sitting in the War Room, listening to Barry Manilow on the telephone. Think about it.

The name “February” comes from the Latin word “Februarius,” which means “fairly boring stretch of time during which one expects the professional-ice-hockey season to come to an end but it does not.” During February we observe four special days, none of which is an excuse for serious drinking:

Groundhog Day, February 2

This is an old American tradition started years ago by profoundly retarded old Americans. According to the tradition, on this day Mr. Groundhog comes out of his hole and looks around for media representatives, who make a major fuss about it. It is one of those things that only media people care about. Another one is the government of Canada.

Lincoln’s Birthday, February 12

Abraham Lincoln grew up in the Tennessee wilderness and killed a bear when he was only three years old. No, wait: That was Davy Crockett. Abraham Lincoln grew up in a log cabin and read by candlelight and learned to spell by writing on the back of a coal shovel. Later on he wrote the Gettysburg Address on the back of an envelope. He had a pathological fear of normal paper. As a youth, Lincoln was famous for splitting rails. People were afraid to leave their rails lying around because Lincoln would sneak up and split them.

Lincoln became nationally known when he won the famous Lincoln-Douglas debates, sponsored by the League of Women Voters. Here is a complete transcript:

DOUGLAS: I think the territories should decide the slavery question for themselves, and I’m five feet seven inches tall.

LINCOLN: I disagree, and I’m six four.

After the debates, Lincoln became president and grew a beard because some little girl wrote him a letter and suggested it. He was crazy that way. We should all be grateful she didn’t suggest he wear rouge.

St. Valentine’s Day, February 14

The Encyclopedia Britannica says, “St. Valentine’s Day as a lovers’ festival and the modern tradition of sending valentine cards have no relation to the saints, but, rather, seem to be connected either with the Roman fertility festival of the Lupercalia or with the mating season of birds.”

This means that, at this very moment, your kids may be in school cutting out little construction-paper hearts to celebrate the sexual activity of Romans or birds. No wonder people don’t go to church anymore.

Washington’s Birthday, February 16

Actually, George Washington was born on February 22. The government has decided that we should celebrate his birthday on the third Monday, because that way the nation gets a long weekend, and, what the hell, Washington is dead anyway. (When I say “the nation,” of course, I mean “government employees and maybe six or seven other people.”) I think that if the government can mess around with the calendar for its own convenience, the rest of us should be able to do the same thing. For example, most people find April 15 to be a terribly inconvenient day to file income tax returns, coming as it does right at the beginning of baseball season. I think this year on April 15 we should all send the government little notices explaining that we observe Income Tax Day on December 11.

But back to Washington. As a youth, he threw a cherry tree across the Delaware. Later he got wooden teeth and was chosen to represent Virginia at the Continental Congress, a group of colonists who wanted to revolt against the King because he made them wear wigs and tights. They chose Washington to lead their army because he was strong and brave and not in the room at the time. Everybody thought he would lose, but he outfoxed the British by establishing headquarters all over the place. Here on the East Coast you can’t swing your arms without hitting one of Washington’s headquarters. Finally the British, who were Germans anyway, gave up and went home to fight the French, who were more conveniently located, and Washington became the Father of Our Country. That is why each year on a Monday somewhere around his birthday we have major-appliance sales oriented toward government employees.

EDITOR’S NOTE: This column appears at first to be about the Postal Service but may actually be about the neutron bomb. It’s hard to tell.

I am all for the nine-digit Zip Code and the eighteen-cent stamp. In fact, I think the Postal Service ought to go even further: Let’s have a fifteen-digit Zip Code and a $4.50 stamp. Let’s make it virtually impossible to send mail. I hate getting mail anyway. Apparently, my name is on a computerized mailing list entitled “People with Extremely Small Brains,” and as a result I get mainly two kinds of mail:

Announcements Announcing Contests Somebody Else Will Win: “Mr. Barry, we are pleased to announce that you have been chosen as a semifinalist in the Publishers’ Publishing House Sweepstakes, and may have already won 11,000 head of cattle and a Korean servant family.”

Investment Opportunities for Morons: “This rare opportunity to purchase a finely crafted, individually registered investment collection of Early American Colonial Jellied Candies is being made available only to residents of North and South America, and will not be repeated unless people actually take us up on it.”