"Oh, well, we'll just see about that," was my response.

An hour into our boat ride, Dr. Luke pulled out a bag full of Ecstasy. A drug-toting gynecologist! I had died and gone to heaven. When he asked us if we partied, I thought Rory may have peed in her pants a little. Matthew warned us to keep it on the down-low because Lori and Glen didn't "party."

We all popped our tabs and wandered onto the deck. The thought occurred to me that this was possibly the happiest day of my life. Rory and Matthew started an intense conversation about religion and life on other planets. Those two topics were about as interesting to me as the Louisiana Purchase, so I just bided my time and waited for an in to the conversation.

The more Matthew talked and drank, the more I got the impression that something was definitely wrong with him. I couldn't quite put my finger on it. I kept glancing at Dr. Luke for his reaction, but he was barely paying attention to me. Maybe I didn't look so good, I worried. But I knew that was impossible. I had had a facial and a haircut that morning. I'd have to be Tarzan to not look good at that point. During one of Matthew's stories, Rory leaned in and whispered, "He's hot." I was thinking the exact opposite but instead nodded encouragingly and said, "I know, see if you can get him alone."

Getting him alone, however, seemed impossible. Matthew was going on and on about how sometimes he can see his dead relatives, not really leaving much room for me and Dr. Luke to get to know each other any better. I needed to talk to Dr. Luke and charm him, so he would start paying more attention to me, but he didn't seem interested at all.

We were on our third bottle of Veuve Clicquot when Matthew said he had to "hit the head." Finally, I would get some stage time. I could talk about my theory of dwarfism and how I think there is an undeniable connection between them and the Little Dipper. It wouldn't be long before Dr. Luke realized that I was more than just a pretty face.

"I'm going down below to get us some cheese and crackers," Dr. Luke said and left. Two seconds later, Rory stood up. "I'm going downstairs to have sex with Matthew," she said.

The Ecstasy was starting to kick in, but unlike the rest of the human race, Ecstasy doesn't make me horny. Sure, I may want to kiss someone, but the sudden and rabid need for sex doesn't happen. I much prefer to sit outside, look at the stars, and daydream about what life would have been like had I become a professional women's basketball player.

I told Rory I didn't care what she did as long as she left me alone, because I was starting to feel really good. About five minutes later, she came back and grabbed my arm, a flurry of delight on her face.

"You're flying," I said.

"Yeah, and I'm not the only one. Come with me."

"Leave me here, go, you can have him," I mumbled. I would have been perfectly happy if I never saw another person again in my life. I felt amazing.

"The guys are waiting for us," Rory said.

"Where?" I asked.

"Downstairs. Come on, Chelsea!"

"Okay."

I got up and walked downstairs with her. As we approached the bedroom, I heard a very recognizable sound coming from behind the door-only to be followed by seeing a very shocking thing when Rory pushed open the door. Matthew was inside Dr. Luke. He was doing him doggie style, holding down his head and smacking his ass. What was happening? I wanted to run over and protect Dr. Luke's honor, but he seemed to be enjoying himself. Also, I was a little thrown. I had never seen two men having sex before in real life. Rory just stood beside me with a huge grin on her face. She loved controversy.

I had so many different emotions running through me that I was frozen in place. The only thing I could do was to shout, "Stop that!"

Matthew and Dr. Luke both looked over at me with huge Ecstasy smiles on their faces and kept going.

"What is going on here?" I demanded. I sounded like my father.

Rory was enjoying every minute of my mortification. She didn't even lower her voice to say, "Turns out they're both gay."

"No, he's his partner,'" I said.

"Yes, Chelsea… get it?"

"Oh, shit." I finally realized what kind of partner he was talking about. I couldn't believe it. I was too high to deal with this. I told Rory we needed to swim to shore.

We ran up onto the deck and asked Lori and Glen where the life jackets were. Rory asked them how long before we got to Catalina. They said we'd be there in about twenty minutes. Great. No problem. We'd rent a hotel room and take a boat back tomorrow.

I told Rory not to blow our high and we'd have fun no matter what. The important thing was not to think about what was happening or what I had just seen. I had to focus on the positive-whatever that was. Rory grabbed four more tabs of Ecstasy and shoved them in her purse.

"Good thinking," I said.

Dr. Luke and Matthew came upstairs just as we were docking. They were all over each other. It was painful to watch, like seeing your boyfriend cheat on you but with a man. Rory, however, couldn't stop laughing, and eventually I started laughing too, and then they both started laughing. Then they headed toward us with very lascivious looks in their eyes. Dr. Luke reached for my boob and asked if I wanted to get it from two guys at once. "That was sooo five years ago," I thought about saying. Instead I said, "Look at the stars."

Rory told them that she wasn't into getting it in the ass and that we were leaving once the boat docked.

"We didn't ask you," Dr. Luke said.

"Excuse me?" asked Rory, offended.

Quickly, I told them we'd love to hang out more, but we were meeting friends and had to fly. No pun intended.

Once we got off the boat we took another tab and had a blast trying to find a hotel. We kept getting distracted by the sky. After a while, I needed water badly so we stopped at a bar-only to find about 150 swing dancers in mid-prance. The bartender told us that Catalina was having its annual swing-dancing convention. I couldn't believe there was such a thing. He warned us that every hotel was booked. We had only one option at that point, and that was to get in on the fun. So we swing danced well into the wee hours of the morning, with the help of our additional Ecstasy tabs, and when the lights were shut off, we went to the beach and watched the sun come up. We hadn't done that since prom. We caught the first ferry back to Long Beach and took a taxi to Santa Monica. In the cab, Rory told me I had lost my touch since high school. I reminded her that I was their first pick for a gang bang. That shut her up.

Ivory was very disappointed when I gave her the bad news. She went back to her old gynecologist and so did I. But a few months later, I ran into Dr. Luke at Jerry's Famous Deli in the marina. I was with a guy I was dating, and Dr. Luke was with the biggest black man I had ever seen. Just the sight of the two of them together made my anus tighten. I noticed Dr. Luke making his way over to my table, so I got up and walked in the other direction, straight to my car. I couldn't afford a run-in with this guy in front of my new suitor. There were only three things he could bring up: my vagina, his anus, and his Ecstasy that I stole.

I called my date on his cell phone and asked him to meet me outside. I explained that this guy was a lunatic and he was always harassing me and I couldn't bear to have a conversation with him.

"He seemed pretty normal," my guy said. "He asked if your boat was out of the shop yet. I didn't know you had a boat."