DULEEK (n.)

Sudden realisation, as you lie in bed waiting for the alarm to go off, that it should have gone off an hour ago.

DULUTH (adj.)

The smell of a taxi out of which people have just got.

DUNBAR (n.)

A highly specialised fiscal term used solely by turnstile operatives at Regnet's Part zoo. It refers to the variable amount of increase in the variable gate takings on a Sunday afternoon, caused by persons going to the zoo because they are in love and believe that the feeling of romance will be somehow enhanced by the smell of panther sweat and rank incontinence in the reptile house.

DUNBOYNE (n.)

The moment of realisation that the train you have just patiently watched pulling out of the station was the one you were meant to be on.

DUNCRAGGON (n.)

The name of Charles Bronson's retirement cottage.

DUNGENESS (n.)

The uneasy feeling that the plastic handles of the overloaded supermarket carrier bag you are carrying are getting steadily longer.

DUNTISH (adj.)

Mentally incapacitated by severe hangover.

EAST WITTERING (n.)

The same as west wittering (q.v.) only it's you they've trying to get away from.

EDGBASTON (n.)

The spare seat-cushion carried by a London bus, which is placed against the rear bumper when the driver wishes to indicate that the bus has broken down. No one knows how this charming old custom originated or how long it will continue.

ELY (n.)

The first, tiniest inkling you get that something, somewhere, has gone terribly wrong.

EMSWORTH (n.)

Measure of time and noiselessness defined as the moment between the doors of a lift closing and it beginning to move.

EPPING (participial vb.)

The futile movements of forefingers and eyebrows used when failing to attract the attention of waiters and barmen.

EPSOM (n.)

An entry in a diary (such as a date or a set of initials) or a name and address in your address book, which you haven't the faintest idea what it's doing there.

EPWORTH (n.)

The precise value of the usefulness of epping (q.v.) it is a little-known fact than an earlier draft of the final line of the film Gone with the Wind had Clark Gable saying 'Frankly my dear, i don't give an epworth', the line being eventually changed on the grounds that it might not be understood in Cleveland.

ERIBOLL (n.)

A brown bubble of cheese containing gaseous matter which grows on welsh rarebit. It was Sir Alexander Flemming's study of eribolls which led, indirectly, to his discovery of the fact that he didn't like welsh rarebit very much.

ESHER (n.)

One of those push tapes installed in public washrooms enabling the user to wash their trousers without actually getting into the basin. The most powerful esher of recent years was 'damped down' by Red Adair after an incredible sixty-eight days' fight in Manchester's Piccadilly Station.

EVERSCREECH (n.)

The look given by a group of polite, angry people to a rude, calm queue-barger.

EWELME (n.)

The smile bestowed on you by an air hostess.

EXETER (n.)

All light household and electrical goods contain a number of vital components plus at least one exeter. If you've just mended a fuse, changed a bulb or fixed a blender, the exeter is the small, flat or round plastic or bakelite piece left over which means you have to undo everything and start all over again.

FAIRYMOUNT (vb.n.)

Polite word for buggery.

FARDUCKMANTON (n. archaic)

An ancient edict, mysteriously omitted from the Domesday Book, requiring that the feeding of fowl on village ponds should be carried out equitably.

FARNHAM (n.)

The feeling you get about four o'clock in the afternoon when you haven't got enough done.

FARRANCASSIDY (n.)

A long and ultimately unsuccessful attempt to undo someone's bra.

FEAKLE (vb.)

To make facial expressions similar to those that old gentlemen make to young girls in the playground.

FINUGE (vb.)

In any division of foodstuffs equally between several people, to give yourself the extra slice left over.

FIUNARY (n.)

The safe place you put something and then forget where it was.

FLIMBY (n.)

One of those irritating handle-less slippery translucent plastic bags you get in supermarkets which, no matter how you hold them, always contrive to let something fall out.

FLODIGARRY (n. Scots)

An ankle-length gabardine or oilskin tarpaulin worn by deep-sea herring fishermen in Arbroath and publicans in Glasgow.

FOINDLE (vb.)

To queue-jump very discreetly by working one's way up the line without being spotted doing so.

FORSINAIN (n. archaic)

The right of the lord of the manor to molest dwarves on their birthdays.

FOVANT (n.)

A taxi driver's gesture, a raised hand pointed out of the window which purports to mean 'thank you' and actually means 'fuck off out of the way'.

FRADDAM (n.)

The small awkward-shaped piece of cheese which remains after grating a large regular-shaped piece of cheese and enables you to cut your fingers.

FRAMLINGHAM (n.)

A kind of burglar alarm usage. It is cunningly designed so that it can ring at full volume in the street without apparently disturbing anyone. Other types of framlingams are burglar alarms fitted to business premises in residential areas, which go off as a matter of regular routine at 5.31 p.m. on a Friday evening and do not get turned off til 9.20 a.m. on Monday morning.

FRANT (n.)

Measure. The legal minimum distance between two trains on the District and Circle line of the London Underground. A frant, which must be not less than 122 chains (or 8 leagues) long, is not connected in any way with the adjective 'frantic' which comes to us by a completely different route (as indeed do the trains).

FRATING GREEN (adj.)

The shade of green which is supposed to make you feel comfortable in hospitals, industrious in schools and uneasy in police stations.

FRIMLEY (n.)

Exaggerated carefree saunter adopted by Norman Wisdom as an immediate prelude to dropping down an open manhole.

FRING (n.)

The noise made by light bulb which has just shone its last.

FROLESWORTH (n.)

Measure. The minimum time it is necessary to spend frowning in deep concentration at each picture in an art gallery in order that everyone else doesn't think you've a complete moron.