FROSSES (pl.n.)

The lecherous looks exchanged between sixteen-year-olds at a party given by someone's parents.

FULKING (participial vb.)

Pretending not to be in when the carol-singers come round.

GALASHIELS (pl.n.)

A form of particularly long sparse sideburns which are part of the mandatory uniform of British Rail guards.

GALLIPOLI (adj.)

Of the behaviour of a bottom lip trying to spit mouthwash after an injection at the dentist. Hence, loose, floppy, useless. 'She went suddenly Gallipoli in his arms' - Noel Coward.

GANGES (n. rare : colonial Indian)

Leg-rash contracted from playing too much polo. (It is a little-known fact that Prince Charles is troubled by ganges down the inside of his arms.)

GASTARD (n.)

Useful specially new-coined word for an illegitimate child (in order to distinguish it from someone who merely carves you up on the motorway, etc.)

GILDERSOME (adj.)

Descriptive of a joke someone tells you which starts well, but which becomes so embellished in the telling that you start to weary of it after scarcely half an hour.

GIPPING (participial vb.)

The fish-like opening and closing of the jaws seen amongst people who have recently been to the dentist and are puzzled as to whether their teeth have been put back the right way up.

GLASGOW (n.)

The feeling of infinite sadness engendered when walking through a place filled with happy people fifteen years younger than yourself.

GLASSEL (n.)

A seaside pebble which was shiny and interesting when wet, and which is now a lump of rock, which children nevertheless insist on filing their suitcases with after the holiday.

GLAZELEY (adj.)

The state of a barrister's flat greasy hair after wearing a wig all day.

GLEMENUILT (n.)

The kind of guilt which you'd completely forgotten about which comes roaring back on discovering an old letter in a cupboard.

GLENTAGGART (n.)

A particular kind of tartan hold-all, made exclusive under licence for British Airways. When waiting to collect your luggage from an airport conveyor belt, you will notice that on the next conveyor belt a solitary bag is going round and round uncollected. This is a glentaggart, which has been placed there by the baggage-handling staff to take your mind off the fact that your own luggage will shortly be landing in Murmansk.

GLENTIES (pl.n.)

Series of small steps by which someone who has made a serious tactical error in a conversion or argument moves from complete disagreement to wholehearted agreement.

GLENWHILLY (n. Scots)

A small tartan pouch worn beneath the kilt during the thistle-harvest.

GLINSK (n.)

A hat which politicians but to go to Russia in.

GLORORUM (n.)

One who takes pleasure in informing others about their bowel movements.

GLOSSOP (n.)

A rouge blob of food. Glossops, which are generally streaming hot and highly adhesive invariably fall off your spoon and on to the surface of your host's highly polished antique-rosewood dining table. If this has not, or may not have, been noticed by the company present, swanage (q.v.) may be employed.

GLUTT LODGE (n.)

The place where food can be stored after having a tooth extracted. Some Arabs can go without sustenance for up to six weeks on a full glutt lodge, hence the expression 'the shit of the dessert'.

GLOADBY MARWOOD (n.)

Someone who stops Jon Cleese on the street and demands that he does a funny walk.

GODALMING (n.)

Wonderful rush of relief on discovering that the ely (q.v.) and the wembley (q.v.) were in fact false alarms.

GOLANT (adj.)

Blank, sly and faintly embarrassed. Pertaining to the expression seen on the face of someone who has clearly forgotten your name.

GOOLE (n.)

The puddle on the bar into which the barman puts your change.

GOOSECRUIVES (pl. n. archaic)

A pair of wooden trousers worn by poultry-keepers in the Middle Ages.

GOOSNARGH (n.)

Something left over from preparing or eating a meal, which you store in the fridge despite the fact that you know full well you will never ever use it.

GREAT TOSSON (n.)

A fat book containing four words and six cartoons which cost Ј6.95.

GREAT WAKERING (participial vb.)

Panic which sets in when you badly need to go to the lavatory and cannot make up your mind about what book or magazine to take with you.

GREELEY (n.)

Someone who continually annoys you by continually apologising for annoying you.

GRETNA GREEN (adj.)

A shade of green which cartoon characters dangle over the edge of a cliff.

GRIMMET (n.)

A small bush from which cartoon characters dangle over the edge of a cliff.

GRIMSBY (n.)

A lump of something gristly and foultasting concealed in a mouthful of stew or pie. Grimsbies are sometimes merely the result of careless cookery, but more often they are placed there deliberately by Freemasons. Grimbies can be purchased in bulk from any respectable Masonic butcher on giving him the secret Masonic handbag. One is then placed correct masonic method of dealing with it. If the guest is not a Mason, the host may find it entertaining to watch how he handles the obnoxious object. It may be (a) manfully swallowed, invariably bringing tears to the eyes. (b) chewed with resolution for up to twenty minutes before eventually resorting to method (a) (c) choked on fatally. The Masonic handshake is easily recognised by another Mason incidentally, for by it a used grimsby is passed from hand to hand. The secret Masonic method for dealing with a grimsby is as follows : remove it carefully with the silver tongs provided, using the left hand. Cross the room to your host, hopping on one leg, and ram the grimsby firmly up his nose, shouting, 'Take that, you smug Masonic bastard.'

GRINSTEAD (n.)

The state of a lady's clothing after she has been to powder her nose and has hitched up her tights over her skirt at the back, thus exposing her bottom, and has walked out without noticing it.

GUERNSEY (adj.)

Queasy but umbowed. The kind of feeling one gets when discovering a plastic compartment in a fridge in which thing are growing.

GWEEK (n.)

A coat hanger recycled as a car aerial.

HADZOR (n.)

A sharp instrument placed in the washing-up bowl which makes it easier to cut yourself.

HAGNABY (n.)

Someone who looked a lot more attractive in the disco than they do in your bed the next morning.