HUMP IT, HONEY!

A new voice came into the room! "And how is everybody this fine morning?" I stared. A youth with green eyes and straw-colored hair had entered. He was about twenty. I cringed. I realized this must be one of their brothers! He would undoubtedly shoot me! He had some bags that seemed to be full of grass or hay. He went over to the bureau and opened a lower drawer. "Just harvested some gold Colombian out on the farm," he said. He threw the bags in the drawer and took a bundle of rolled joints from his pocket and tossed them at the girls. "A present for you," he said. "It's marvelous." "Oh Har, dear brother," said Asa, "how sweet you are to us. But we have a present for you, too." "Its name is Monte Pennwell," said Lik. "And I think you'll find it marvelous, also," said Asa. "It's more or less a virgin," said Lik. "Oho!" cried Har, walking over. I stared at him round-eyed. He had a painted face! "If he seems a little used up," said Asa, "remember that it's just from girls." "Ho, ho!" said Har. "You mean he's never had it real Earth-style?" Lik giggled and shook her head. A group of three cupids, with arms around one another, were leering down at me from the ceiling. Asa's hand seized my wrist when I would have bolted. The negligee they had put on me went slithering down on the floor. I yelped. "Hold him still!" cried Har. The speakers bulged with the music beat: Will start with you on me! I yelped again but Har groaned. One of the cupids seemed to be diving through space, hands held together, knees bent, ecstasy on his face. He was going down and down and down past clouds while moans and music filled the room. Then the diving cupid mysteriously became me in its place. I was diving and the clouds were rushing by. I screamed suddenly while I dived and exploded. I was standing in the bathroom rubbing a wet towel against my face. My clothes were lying in a tangle on the floor. I reached down and picked them up. Sloppily dressed, I stood at the door. I looked back into the room. I frowned as Asa's voice sounded, "Oh, Har. Me now, oh, Har, please!" Lik's voice came with a strangled sound, "Not yet. Not yet. Not yet!" I shook my head even though it made it hurt. I closed the door behind me and the music dimmed to a whisper. xiv Nobody was about. I found a viewer-phone in the hall. I did not turn the viewer on. I called Shafter to come and get me. Outside, the morning air was chill. I went over to the landing pad and sat down on a bench. Somewhere behind me, I heard a noise. I turned. A man was clearing up debris outside the door of the hospital, throwing things into a trash box. He had on an old doctor's smock, very stained. After a bit he picked up the box and headed for the kitchen disintegrator: his course lay across the landing pad. When he got close, I suddenly recognized him. It was Prahd! The once straw-colored hair was heavy now with gray, but his eyes were as green as green emeralds. He was long of limb and had a jerky walk as though hung together with hinges. He dumped his trash and turned around. He saw me sitting there. "Who are you?" he said. "One of the children's shiftless friends?" There was an edge of contempt in his voice, possibly brought on by my very rumpled appearance. It stung me. I opened my mouth to give him an acid reply when suddenly, despite my fog, inspiration hit me. And then and there I proved my worth as an investigative reporter. Despite being banged half to pieces, despite marijuana aftereffects, I could still function. I don't mind telling you that what I pulled off was absolutely brilliant! A coup in its own right. "My name is Pry," I said. "I am a medical student." He stopped. I could see the interest kindle. "Well, what are you doing here?" "It's private research," I said. "Just for my own interest. Lately I've been studying genetics. I ran into the strange case of a brown-eyed– man and a blue-eyed woman who had only green-eyed children." He sat down suddenly on the other end of the bench and looked at me closely. "Where did you get this?" he said. In true investigative-reporter style, I lied. "One of my professors said he had heard from a colleague long ago that it could happen. And he cited the children of Pra-tia Tayl." "Are you hinting at something?" said Prahd. "No, no," I said, my brilliance overriding my splitting headache, "I would never dream of questioning the ethics of the leading cellologist in the land. I just slipped in here this morning in the hope of getting a glimpse of some of the green-eyed progeny. Then I will know that it is indeed true that a brown-eyed man and a blue-eyed woman can have green-eyed children, and I won't have to believe the genetic axioms anymore. I find them tiresome anyway." "Oh, come now," said Prahd, the sanctity of the medical and cellological axioms at risk. "You can't make a decision on a single case." "You're going to say," I said, "that it is an atavism, but that won't hold, for it seems to be consistent and breeding true. The percentage of atavistic reoccurrences are… I forget the percentage…" "Nineteen," said Prahd. "But you are simply floundering around. It is NOT an atavism. You students are all too willing to go diving off into the brush instead of holding the line. I assume now that I can talk within the bounds of professional discretion?" "Absolutely!" I said. "The old colleague of your professor was alluding to the case of an officer of a defunct organization who was married in the Royal prison and whose bride conceived on her wedding night. When the child was born it had to be registered and it excited some professional interest; but the paper I filed on it might now be lost, for it was long ago." "No one cited a paper," I said, ignoring my headache and continuing to surpass myself with investigative reporter brilliance. "Then that's the trouble," said Prahd. "They don't teach students as thoroughly as they used to in my day: they leave it up to people like myself to straighten them out. "The case traces back to another, far-off planet that doesn't exist anymore. I was on duty there and this same officer came to me, injured. One of his testes had atrophied in youth, the other had been crushed. In effect, he had been emasculated. "Now, on this far-off planet there were very few available Voltarians and it would have been a scurvy trick to give him testicles from the race there, as it is very shortlived. Further, there was the matter of operational emergency. "The only possible solution was to take cells of my own testes and cause them to manufacture full organs in his scrotum." "Amazing!" I said. "Does one run into these emergencies often?" "Fortunately, seldom. It is a very unique case. I was rather proud of the result, actually. But on the other hand, it had strange consequences. This officer was quite unprincipled. "In a valley there, near the hospital, with his new equipment, he impregnated some thirty women. The offspring all had green eyes and straw-colored hair, even though black eyes and hair were the racial dominance. "Not only that, but this officer actually married two women in a very distant city on that planet and he impregnated them and at least a dozen other women there." "And the offspring all had green eyes and straw-colored hair?" "Every one of them!" said Prahd, "Well, how did you know that, if they were born after you left?" He looked at me strangely. I had to get a quick grip on the situation, for the marijuana and headache had made me incautious. I was floundering, the sunlight hurt my eyes. I said, "But Pratia calls more than two people 'son' and 'daughter' and this officer was sent to an island before the second child…" I broke down, trying to think. Just then Ske the butler passed, evidently bound for the markets, and he said, "Good morning, Master Penn-well. Did you have a nice night with Lady Pratia?" Prahd's hand was gripping my front collar. He yanked me close. "Who the blazes are you, anyway?" Unfortunately for Prahd, it yanked my face upward. My eyes lighted on an attic window! A face was there, peering through the curtains. The hair was gray and matted. The eyes were wild, quite insane. But even age did not fully change him from his pictures.