“Jon.” Although he is attractive, intelligent, and talented, “Jon” was a very unhappy person, and he was thinking of killing himself. So I took him aside.

“‘Jon,’” I said. “Lighten up.” Today, he is the president of General Motors.

Not long after that, I got a telephone call from a major world religious leader, whom I’ll call “the Pope.” Although he is attractive, intelligent, and talented, he was feeling tremendous anxiety about the fate of mankind.

“Hey,” I advised him. “Forget it.” And today he, too, is the president of General Motors.

Using proven techniques such as these, Dr. Canker shows in Buy This Book or You’ll Starve to Death how any member of the vertebrate family can develop powerful selling skills. In this chapter, we shall draw extensively on the information contained in Dr. Canker’s book, and by the time Dr. Canker finds out about this, we shall be long gone.

This is extremely important. If the prospect tries to glance out the window, you must race over and stand in front of the window. If you hand him a document and he attempts to read it, you must place your head between the document and his eyes. If he goes to the bathroom, you must maintain eye contact as best you can from the adjacent stall or urinal. This may make you uncomfortable, especially if you and the prospect happen to belong to differing sexes, but if you don’t do it, you’ll give the impression that you’re not being totally honest and you don’t truly believe in your product, whatever the hell it is.

COMMON QUESTION #1: What if the prospect is blind? ANSWER: Then you must maintain knee contact.

COMMON QUESTION #2: Well, what if the prospect is blind and has a wooden leg? ANSWER: Well, then you would ...

COMMON QUESTION #3: Also he’s in a coma. ANSWER: Hey! These aren’t common questions!

WRONG: “Bob, have you ever given any thought as to who would provide for the financial security of your wife and children if, God forbid, you were to be killed by falling cement?”

RIGHT: “Bob, have you, Bob, ever given any thought as to who would provide for the financial security of your, Bob’s, wife and children if you, Bob, were to be killed by falling cement, Bob? Huh? Bob?”

If you’ve ever driven on the Long Island Expressway, you know that people often communicate to each other “nonverbally,” which means rather than using words, they use fingers, arm gestures, facial expressions, teeth, knives, etc. As a smart salesperson, you must learn to “read” the prospect’s body language so you can take appropriate action, such as shielding your face.

The way you do this is by making a series of statements that the prospect cannot help but agree with. Let’s listen in to this actual transcript of a top salesperson applying this technique:

SALESPERSON: Hi, Bob! Great to see you! Bob, I want to thank you for giving me an appointment. Bob.

PROSPECT: I didn’t give you an appointment. You got in here by sedating my receptionist with chloroform.

SALESPERSON: Ha ha! Bob, Bob, Bob. I can’t put anything over on you, can I? But seriously, Bob, wouldn’t you agree that Adolf Hitler was a bad person?

PROSPECT: Well, yes, but I ...

SALESPERSON: And don’t you feel, Bob, that child abuse is wrong?

PROSPECT: Of course. Sure. I mean ...

SALESPERSON (swinging a watch back and forth rhythmically on a chain): And would it not be correct to state, Bob, that in a right triangle, the square of the hypotenuse equals the sum of the squares of the other two sides?

PROSPECT (getting drowsy): Whatever you say.

At this point, if you have the prospect in a positive enough mood, you may be able to simply take his wallet. Otherwise you should go on to Rule #5.

Be direct. Something like: “Bob, how about a large order for whatever it is I’m selling?”

Usually the prospect will balk, offering any one of a number of standard excuses, such as:

“I want to think about it.” “I want to talk to my husband or wife about it, depending on what sex I am.” “Get out of my sight before I kill you and feed your pancreas to rats.”

This is normal sales resistance, and you must not let it faze you. Go back and repeat your presentation, very slowly, starting with “Hi, Bob! Great to see you, Bob!” Try to get the prospect to voice specific objections so you can overcome them (“Are you saying, Bob, that you think Adolf Hitler was not a bad person?”). Do this as many times as necessary, until Bob comes around. Remind him that if he doesn’t, you may have to take him to Lunch (see chapter 6).

The story of America is the story of individuals—the Henry Fords, the John DeLoreans, the Speedy Alka-Seltzers, the Don Corleones—who started out alone, with little more than a dream and a willingness to work toward it, and ended up running large organizations and eventually either dying or getting indicted. Chances are that you, too, have an idea for a business percolating inside you, an idea you’re sure would work, if only you gave it a chance.

Well, why not? What, really, are you getting from your company job, aside from a steady paycheck, regular raises, job security, extensive medical benefits, and a comfortable pension? Hey, if that’s all they think you’re worth, well, in the words of the popular country-and-western song: “Take This job and Let Me Hold onto It while I Start My Own Little Business on the Side.”

Step one is to find out what legal requirements you have to meet to register yourself as a small business. In most states, this is a two-part process:

1. You have several boxes of cheap business cards printed up with the wrong phone number.

2. You go around and pin your card onto those bulletin boards you see in supermarkets and low-rent restaurants, the ones with 10,000 other business cards that look like the one shown here.

Steve A. Clegel

Accounting and Light Masonry

“Since April 3, 1986, at about 4:30”

The tax implications are that you can deduct every nickel you ever spend for the rest of your life, including on bowling accessories (see chapter 10, How Finance Works).