Millions of years ago, lumps of carbon fell down on the ground and got covered up by dirt and mountains, after which they were subjected to intense pressure by lobbying groups such as the National Rifle Association. Over the years, these lumps were buried deeper and deeper beneath the Earth’s surface, so that today we don’t even know where the hell they are. Nor care.

Meanwhile, shopping centers began to form, and inevitably they developed jewelry stores. This is where we stand today.

The standard unit of measurement for diamonds is called the “carat,” which basically measures how much you love your fiancee. A guy who is only mildly attracted to his fiancee will buy her a ring with only a few carats, whereas a guy who really loves his fiancee will buy her a stone so large that she can never again swim in ponds for fear she will become embedded up to her shoulders in bottom muck.

That takes care of the groom’s responsibilities; everything else is up to you brides-to-be. You’re going to be very, very busy planning your wedding, because naturally you want everything to be perfect. Remember at all times, brides-to-be, this is your own very special day, and it damned well better be perfect or you are going to kill yourself with a cyanide capsule, which it is the responsibility of the maid or matron of honor to provide.

Actually, planning a wedding is not all that difficult, provided you do almost nothing else for the better part of a year. Naturally, this will be a very busy and exciting time for you. But as you go through it, you must make sure, amid all the excitement and hustle and bustle, that you don’t lose sight of the whole point of the wedding—its deeper meaning and the central reason for its entire existence. Your gown.

Listen up, brides. You get only one shot in your life at a real wedding gown, and you better not blow it. Because a wedding gown is more than just a dress. It’s a dress that costs a whole ton of money. It’s a dress that you’ll cherish for several decades in a box in a remote closet, perhaps to be taken out one day by your daughter when she’s looking for (sniff) a wedding gown of her own. She’ll wisely reject yours, of course, because by that time it will have served as the home environment for 60,000 generations of insects. The last thing she wants, when she’s up at the altar on her own Very Special Day, is for a millipede to come strolling out of her bodice.

Nevertheless you must have a wonderful gown. This is where you need the expert help of a qualified bridal couturier, who can answer your technical questions:

YOU: What kinds of gowns do you have for under $2,000?

COUTURIER: Well, we have this one right here.

YOU: This is a group of used Handi-Wipes sewn together.

COUTURIER: Yes. By preschool children.

With this kind of guidance, you’ll be able to select a truly memorable gown, one that will cause your parents to remark in admiration: “How much? That’s more than we spent on our first house!” If they don’t make this remark, your gown is not memorable enough, and you should take it right back to the couturier to have some more pearls glued on.

After you’ve selected your gown, it’s time to get on with planning the rest of the wedding. This task will be easier if you use this convenient Wedding Planner Checklist:

This is the time to choose your wedding site. It should be extremely traditional. Ideally, you want St. Paul’s Cathedral, in London, England. This is where Princess Diana got married to Prince Charles in a ceremony that lasted longer than a number of major wars. Also it required more horses. This is the kind of memorable wedding you definitely want to shoot for.

If St. Paul’s is not available, look for a large traditional religious building, such as a church or synagogue, closer to home. In many cases, these buildings are affiliated with major religions, which may require that you hold specific religious beliefs before you can get married there. This is a good thing to check out beforehand, by calling up the person in charge:

YOU: Hi. I was thinking of getting married in your church or synagogue, and I was wondering if I had to hold any specific religious views.

RELIGIOUS PERSON: Why yes, you do. YOU: How many?

RELIGIOUS PERSON: Let’s see, here ... five, six ... looks like eight in all.

YOU: Fine, fine. Could you please mail me a set?

If the building is really right for you, with adequate parking and every thing, you should go ahead and agree to hold the beliefs, even if they involve animal sacrifice. This is your wedding, after all.

The other major things that must be accomplished six months before the wedding are:

* The bride should select a caterer and a nice country club for the reception, and her parents should withdraw their life’s savings so they can put down a deposit.

* The mother of the bride and the mother of the groom, if they do not already know each other, should have a luncheon wherein they get along about as well as Iran gets along with Iraq.

Now is the time to select your bridesmaids. This is a very large honor, which you bestow only upon people who meet the following criteria:

1. They should be female.

2. They should be willing to wear bridesmaids’ dresses.

This second criterion is the most important, because the whole point of the bridesmaid’s dress is to render the person wearing it so profoundly unattractive that she cannot possibly outshine you, the bride. In fact, one of the really fun things a bride gets to do is go to the bridal salon with her mother, and the two of them get drunk and howl with laughter as they consider various comical outfits that they might encase the bridesmaids in. Some of them go so far as to select actual clown suits, but most prefer the traditional look, which is:

* Long frilly dresses in bright pastel colors reminiscent of Bazooka bubble gum or some experimental and ultimately unsuccessful ice cream flavor with a name like “Pumpkin Surprise.”

* “Puffed” sleeves that make any woman who is larger than Audrey Hepburn look like a Green Bay Packer.

* Large “fun” floppy hats that obscure the bridesmaid’s face so thoroughly that you could use men if you really had to.

You need not feel restricted to this look, however. This is your Very Special Day, and you can make the bridesmaids wear anything you want. Veils, fur stoles, whalebone corsets, hats with waxed fruit, kneepads, anything. Remember: they have to pay for it.