‘Yes, sir. Evans the Striped. He vanished about forty years ago, I believe.’

‘Killed? It was dead men’s shoes in those days, you know.’

‘I can’t imagine who would want his job. Apparently he evaporated while doingpress-ups in the Great Hall one day.’

‘Evaporated? What kind of death is that for a wizard? Any wizard would die ofshame if he just evaporated. We always leave something behind, even if it’sonly smoke. Oh, well. Cometh the hour, cometh the… whatever. Generalcomethness, perhaps. What is that thinking engine of yours doing these days?’

Ponder brightened. ‘As a matter of fact, Archchancellor, Hex has justdiscovered a new particle. It travels faster than light in two directions atonce!’

‘Can we make it do anything interesting?’

‘Well yes! It totally explodes Spolwhittle’s Trans-Congruency Theory!’

‘Good,’ said Ridcully cheerfully. ‘Just so long as something explodes. Sinceit’s finished exploding, set it to finding either Evans or a decent substitute.Sports masters are pretty elementary particles, it shouldn’t be difficult. Andcall a meeting of the Council in ten minutes. We are going to play football!’

Truth is female, since truth is beauty rather than handsomeness; this, Ridcullyreflected as the Council grumbled in, would certainly explain the saying that alie could run around the world before Truth has got its, correction, her bootson, since she would have to choose which pair–the idea that any woman in aposition to choose would have just one pair of boots being beyond rationalbelief. Indeed, as a goddess she would have lots of shoes, and thus manychoices: comfy shoes for home truths, hobnail boots for unpleasant truths,simple clogs for universal truths and possibly some kind of slipper forself-evident truth. More important right now was what kind of truth he wasgoing to have to impart to his colleagues, and he decided not on the wholetruth, but instead on nothing but the truth, which dispensed with the need forhonesty.

‘Well, go on, then, what did he say?’

‘He responded to reasoned argument.’

‘He did? Where’s the catch?’

‘None. But he wants the rules to be more traditional.’

‘Surely not! Gather they are practically prehistoric as it is!’

‘And he wants the university to take the lead in all this, and quickly.Gentlemen, there is a game going to be played in about three hours’ time. Isuggest we observe it. And to this end, I will require you to wear… trousers.’

After a while Ridcully took out his watch, which was one of the old-fashionedimp-driven ones and was reliably inaccurate. He flipped up the gold lid andstared patiently as the little creature pedalled the hands around. When theexpostulating had not stopped after a minute and a half, he snapped the lidshut. The click had an effect that no amount of extra shouting could haveachieved.

‘Gentlemen,’ he said gravely. ‘We must partake of the game of the people–fromwhom, I might add, we derive. Has any of us, in the last few decades, even seenthe game being played? I thought not. We should get outside more. Now, I’m notasking you to do this for me, or even for the hundreds of people who work toprovide us with a life in which discomfort so seldom rears its head. Yes, manyother ugly heads have reared, it is true, but dinner has always beckoned. Weare, fellow wizards, the city’s last line of defence against all the horrorsthat can be thrown against it. However, none of them are as potentiallydangerous as us. Yes, indeed. I don’t know what might happen if wizards werereally hungry. So do this, I implore you on this one occasion, for the sake ofthe cheeseboard.’

There had been some nobler calls to arms in history, Ridcully would be thefirst to admit, but this one was well tailored to its target audience. Therewas some grumbling, but that was the same as saying that the sky was blue.

‘What about lunch?’ said the Lecturer in Recent Runes suspiciously.

‘We’ll eat early,’ said Ridcully, ‘and I am told that the pies at the game arejust–amazing.’

Truth, in front of her huge walk-in wardrobe, selected black leather boots withstiletto heels for such a barefaced truth.

Nutt was already waiting with a proud but worried look on his face when Glendagot in to the Night Kitchen. She didn’t notice him at first, but she turnedback from hanging her coat on its peg and there he was, holding a couple ofdishes in front of him like shields.

She almost had to shade her eyes because they gleamed so brightly.

‘I hope this is all right,’ said Nutt nervously.

‘What have you done?’

‘I plated them with silver, miss.’

‘How did you do that?’

‘Oh, there’s all kinds of old stuff in the cellars and, well, I know how to dothings. It won’t cause trouble for anyone, will it?’ Nutt added, lookingsuddenly anxious.

Glenda wondered if it would. It shouldn’t, but you could never be sure with MrsWhitlow. Well, she could solve that problem by hiding them somewhere until theytarnished.

‘It’s kind of you to take the trouble. I generally have to chase people to getplates back. You are a real gentleman,’ she said, and his face lit up like asunrise.

‘You are very kind,’ he beamed, ‘and a very handsome lady with your twoenormous chests that indicate bountifulness and fecundity—’

The morning air froze in one enormous block. He could tell he’d said somethingwrong, but he had no idea what it was.

Glenda looked around to see if anyone had heard, but the huge gloomy room wasotherwise empty. She was always the first one in and the last one out. Then shesaid, ‘Stay right there. Don’t you dare move an inch! Not an inch! And don’tsteal any chickens!’ she commanded as an afterthought.

She should have trailed steam as she headed out of the room, her boots echoingon the flagstones. What a thing to come out with! Who did he think he was? Cometo that, who did she think he was? And what did she think he was?

The cellars and undercrofts of the university were a small city in themselves,and bakers and butchers turned to look as she clattered past. She didn’t darestop now; it would be too embarrassing.

If you knew all the passages and stairs, and if they stayed still for fiveminutes, it was possible to get to just about anywhere in the universitywithout going above ground. Probably none of the wizards knew the maze. Notmany of them cared to know the dull details of domestic management. Hah, theythought the dinners turned up by magic!

A small set of stone steps led up to the little door. Hardly anyone used itthese days. The other girls wouldn’t go in there. But Glenda would. Even afterthe very first time that she had, in response to the bell, delivered themidnight banana, or rather had failed to deliver it on account of running awayscreaming, she knew she’d have to face it again. After all, we can’t help howwe’re made, her mother had said, and nor can we help what a magical accidentmight turn us into through no fault of our own, as Mrs Whitlow had explainedslightly more recently, when the screaming had stopped. And so Glenda hadpicked up the banana and had headed right back there.

Now, of course, she was surprised that anyone might find it odd that thecustodian of all the knowledge that could be was a reddish brown and generallyhung several feet above his desk, and she was pretty certain that she knew atleast fourteen meanings of the word ‘ook’.

As it was daytime, the huge building beyond the little door was bustling,insofar as the word can be applied to a library. She headed towards the nearestlesser librarian, who failed to look the other way in time, and demanded: ‘Ineed to see a dictionary of embarrassing words beginning with F!’

His haughty glance softened somewhat when he realized she was a cook. Wizardsalways had a place in their hearts for cooks, because it was near theirstomach.