‘Ah, then I think Birdcatcher’s Discomforting Misusage will be our friendhere,’ he said cheerfully, and led her to a lectern, where she spent severalenlightening minutes before heading back the way she had come, a little wiserand a great deal more embarrassed.

Nutt was still standing where she’d told him to stand, and looked terrified.

‘I’m sorry, I didn’t know what you meant,’ she said, and thought: abundant,productive and fruitful. Well, yes, I can see how he got there, worse luck, butthat’s not me, not really me. I think. I hope.

‘Um, it was kind of you to say that about me,’ she said, ‘but you should haveused more appropriate language.’

‘Ah, yes, I’m so sorry,’ said Nutt. ‘Mister Trev told me about this. I shouldnot talk posh. I should have said that you have enormous t—’

‘Just stop there, will you? Trevor Likely is teaching you elocution?’

‘Don’t tell me, I know this one… You mean talkin’ proper?’ said Nutt. ‘Yes, andhe’s promised to take me to the football,’ he added proudly.

This led to some explanation, which only made Glenda gloomy. Trev was right, ofcourse. People who didn’t know long words tended to be edgy around people whodid. That’s why her male neighbours, like Mr Stollop and his mates, distrustednearly everybody. Their wives, on the other hand, shared a much larger ifsomewhat specialized vocabulary owing to the cheap romantic novels that passedlike contraband from scullery to washhouse, in every street. That’s why Glendaknew ‘elocution’, ‘torrid’, ‘boudoir’ and ‘reticule’, although she wasn’t toocertain about ‘reticule’ and ‘boudoir’, and avoided using them, which in thegeneral scheme of things was not hard. She was deeply suspicious about what alady’s boudoir might be, and certainly wasn’t going to ask anybody, even in theLibrary, just in case they laughed.

‘And he’s going to take you to the football, is he? Mister Nutt, you will standout like a diamond in a sweep’s earhole!’

Do not stand out from the crowd. There were so many things to remember!

‘He says he will look after me,’ said Nutt, hanging his head. ‘Er, I waswondering who that nice young lady was who was in here last night,’ he addeddesperately, as transparent as air.

‘He asked you to ask me, right?’

Lie. Stay safe. But Ladyship wasn’t here! And the nice apple-pie lady was righthere in front of him! It was too complicated!

‘Yes,’ he said meekly.

And Glenda surprised herself. ‘Her name is Juliet, and she lives bang next doorto me so he’d better not come round, okay? Juliet Stollop, see if he likesthat.’

‘You fear he will press his suit?’

‘Her dad will press a lot more than that if he sees he’s a Dimmer supporter!’

Nutt looked blank, so she went on: ‘Don’t you know anything? Dimwell Old Pals?The football team? The Dollies are Dolly Sisters Football Club. Dollies hatethe Dimmers, the Dimmers hate the Dollies! It’s always been like that!’

‘What could have caused such a difference between them?’

‘What? There is no difference between them, not when you’ve got past thecolours! They’re two teams, alike in villainy! Dolly Sisters wears white andblack, Dimwell wears pink and green. It’s all about football. Bloody, bloody,clogging, hacking, punching, gouging, silly football!’ The bitterness inGlenda’s voice would have soured cream.

‘But you have a Dolly Sisters scarf!’

‘When you live there, it’s safer that way. Anyway, you have to support yourown.’

‘But is it not a game, like spillikins or halma or Thud?’

‘No! It’s more like war, but without the kindness and consideration!’

‘Oh, dear. But war is not kind, is it?’ said Nutt, bewilderment clouding hisface.

‘No!’

‘Oh, I see. You were being ironic.’

She gave him a sideways look. ‘I might have been,’ she conceded. ‘You are anodd one, Mister Nutt. Where are you from, really?’

The old panic contained again. Be harmless. Be helpful. Make friends. Lie. Buthow did you lie to friends?

‘I must go,’ he said, scurrying down the stone steps. ‘Mister Trev will bewaiting!’

Nice but odd, Glenda thought, watching him leap down the steps. Clever, too. Tospot my scarf on a hook ten yards away.

The sound of a rattling tin can alerted Nutt to his boss’s presence before hehad even hurried through the old archway to the vats. The other habitués hadpaused in their work, which, frankly, given its usual snaillike progress, meanthardly any change at all, and were watching him listlessly. But they werewatching, at least. Even Concrete looked vaguely alert, but Nutt saw a littledribble of brown in the corner of his mouth. Someone had been giving him ironfilings again.

The can shot up as Trev caught it with his boot, flew over his head, and thencame back obliquely, as if rolling down an invisible slope, and landed in hiswaiting hand. There was a murmur of appreciation from the watchers and Concretebanged his hand on the table, which generally meant approval.

‘What kept you, Gobbo? Chatting up Glenda, were you? You’ve got no chancethere, take it from me. Been there, tried that, oh yes. No chance, mate.’ Hethrew a grubby bag towards Nutt. ‘Get these on quick, else you’ll stand outlike a diamond in—’

‘A sweep’s earhole?’ Nutt suggested.

‘Yeah! You’re gettin’ it. Now don’t hang about or we’ll be late.’

Nutt looked doubtfully at a long, a very long scarf in pink and green and alarge yellow woolly hat with a pink bobble on it.

‘Pull it down hard so it covers your ears,’ Trev commanded. ‘Get a move on!’

‘Er… pink?’ said Nutt doubtfully, holding up the scarf.

‘What about it?’

‘Well, isn’t football a rough man’s game? Whereas pink, if you will excuse me,is rather a… female colour?’

Trev grinned. ‘Yeah, that’s right. Think about it. You are the clever onearound here. And you can walk and think at the same time, I know that. Makesyou stand out from the crowd in these parts.’

‘Ah, I think I have it. The pink proclaims an almost belligerent masculinity,saying as it does: I am so masculine I can afford to tempt you to question it,giving me the opportunity to proclaim it anew by doing violence to you inresponse. I don’t know if you have ever read Ofleberger’s Die WesentlichenUngewissheiten Zugehörig der Offenkundigen Männlichkeit?’

Trev grabbed his shoulder and spun him round. ‘Wot do you fink, Gobbo?’ hesaid, his red face a couple of inches from Nutt’s. ‘Wot is your problem? Wotare you all about? You come out with ten-dollar words an’ you lay ’em down likea man doin’ a jigsaw! So how come you’re down in the vats, eh, workin’ forsomeone like me? It don’t make sense! Are you on the run from the Old Sam? Noproblem, there, unless you did up an old lady or somethin’, but you got to tellme!’

Too dangerous, thought Nutt desperately. Change the subject! ‘She’s calledJuliet!’ he gasped. ‘The girl you asked about! She lives next door to Glenda!Honestly!’

Trev looked suspicious. ‘Glenda told you that?’

‘Yes!’

‘She was windin’ you up. She knew you’d tell me.’

‘I don’t think she would lie to me, Mister Trev. She is my friend.’

‘I kept thinkin’ about her all last night,’ said Trev.

‘Well, she is a wonderful cook,’ Nutt agreed.

‘I meant Juliet!’

‘Um, and Glenda said to tell you that Juliet’s other name is Stollop,’ saidNutt, hating to be the bearer of worse news.

‘What? That girl is a Stollop?’

‘Yes. Glenda said I was to see how you liked that, but I know the meaning ofirony.’

‘But it’s like findin’ a strawberry in a dogmeat stew, yeah? I mean, theStollops are buggers, the lot of ’em, biters and cloggers to a man, the kind ofbastards who’ll kick your family jewels up into your throat.’

‘But you don’t play football, do you? You just watch.’

‘Damn right! But I’m a Face, right? I’m known in all the boroughs. You can askanyone. Everyone knows Trev Likely. I’m Dave Likely’s lad. Every supporter inthe city knows about him. Four goals! No one else scored that much in alifetime! And gave as good as he got, did Dad. One game he picked up the Dollybastard holding the ball and threw ’im over the line. He gave as good as ’egot, my dad, and then some.’