‘Did I?’ said Ridcully, out of the corner of his mouth.

‘You will remember that chanting was mentioned and so I thought it best toalert the professor,’ whispered Ponder.

‘Another pp, eh? Oh, well.’

‘Happily, it is based on the traditional plainchant or stolation form and is avaledicta, or hail to the winner. May I?’ said Professor Ritornello. ‘It is acappella, of course.’

‘Go ahead, by all means,’ said Ridcully.

The Master of the Music pulled a short baton out of his sleeve. ‘I’ve put thename of Bengo Macarona in there for a marker at the moment, because he hasapparently scored two fine “goals”, as I believe they are called,’ he said,dealing carefully with the word as one might deal with a large spider in thebathtub. Then he caught the eyes of his little flock, nodded, and: Hail theunique qualities of Magister Bengo Macarona! Of Macarona the unique qualitiesHail! Hail the! Hail the! The singular talent possessed by no other! Hail! Hailthe! Hail the bountiful gods! Who to the, two the—SINGULA SINGULAR SINGULA!

After a minute and a half of this Ridcully coughed loudly, and the Master wavedthe choir into a stuttering silence.

‘Is there something untoward, Archchancellor?’

‘Er, not as such, Master, but, er, do you not feel that it is a bit too, well,long?’ Ridcully was aware that the former Dean was not trying very hard tosuppress a snigger.

‘Not at all. In fact, sir, I intend that when it is finished it will be scoredfor forty voices and, though I dare to say so, will be my masterwork!’

‘But it is something for football fans to sing, you see?’ said Ridcully.

‘Well then,’ said the Master, holding his baton in a rather threatening manner,‘is it not the duty of the educated classes to raise the standards of the lowerorders?’

‘He’s got a point there, Mustrum,’ said the Chair of Indefinite Studies, andRidcully felt his grandfather kick him in the heredity, and was glad that maidwasn’t here-what was her name now? Oh, yes, Glenda, smart woman-but althoughshe was not there he saw something of her expression in Trev Likely’s face.

‘During the week, possibly,’ he snapped, ‘but not on Saturdays, I think. Butvery well done, anyway, and I look forward to hearing more of your efforts.’

The Master of the Music flounced out with the choir flouncing out in perfectunison behind him.

Ridcully rubbed his hands together. ‘Well, gentlemen, perhaps you could show meyour moves.’

While the players spread out in the Hall, Nutt said, ‘I must say that ProfessorMacarona is excelling at the game. He clearly has excellent ball skills.’

‘I’m not surprised,’ said Ridcully brightly.

‘The Librarian is, of course, an excellent keeper of the goal. Especially sincehe can stand in the middle and reach either side of it. I believe that it willbe very hard for any of our opponents to get past him. And, of course, you willbe partaking also, Archchancellor.’

‘Oh, you don’t become Archchancellor if you don’t get the hang of thingsquickly. I will just watch for now.’

He watched. After the second occasion when Macarona, like a silver streak, ranthe length of the Hall to flick the ball into the opponents’ goal, Ridcullyturned to Ponder and said, ‘We’re going to win, aren’t we?’

‘If indeed he is still playing for you,’ put in the former Dean.

‘Oh, come now, Henry. Can we at least agree to just play one game at a timehere?’

‘Well, I think today’s session should end pretty soon, sir,’ said Ponder. ‘It’sthe banquet tonight after all and it will take some time to get the placeready.’

‘Excuse me, guv, that’s right,’ said Trev behind him, ‘and we’ve got to get thechandelier down an’ put new candles in.’

‘Yes, but we have been practising a little demonstration for tonight. Maybe theArchchancellor would like to see it,’ said Nutt.

Ridcully looked at his watch. ‘Well, yes, Mister Nutt, but time is getting onand so I look forward to seeing it later. Splendid effort all round, though,’he boomed.

The night market was setting up in Sator Square as Glenda and Juliet arrivedfor work. Ankh-Morpork lived on the street, where it got its food,entertainment and, in a city with a ferocious housing shortage, a place to hangaround until there was space on a floor. Stalls had been set up anywhere, andflares filled the early-evening air with stink and, almost as a by-product, acertain amount of light.

Glenda could never resist looking, especially now. She was very good at allsorts of cookery, she really was, and it was important to keep that knowledgeat the calm centre of her spinning brain. And there was Verity Pushpram, queenof the sea.

Glenda had a lot of time for Miss Pushpram, who was a self-made woman, althoughshe could have used some help when it came to her eyes, which were set so farapart that she rather resembled a turbot.

But Verity, like the ocean that was making her fortune these days, had hiddendepths, because she’d made enough to buy a boat, and then another boat and awhole aisle in the fish market. But she still woman-handled her barrow to thesquare most evenings, where she sold whelks, shrimps, leather crabs, blossomprawns, monkey clams and her famous hot fish sticks.

Glenda often bought from her; there was the kind of respect you give to anequal who is, crucially, no threat to your own position.

‘Going to the big bun fight, girls?’ said Verity cheerfully, waving a halibutat them.

‘Yes,’ said Juliet proudly.

‘What, both of you?’ said Verity, with a glance towards Glenda, who said,firmly, ‘The Night Kitchen is expanding.’

‘Oh well, so long as you’re having fun,’ said Verity, looking, in theory, fromone to the other. ‘Here, have one of these, they’re lovely. My treat.’

She reached down and picked a crab out of a bucket. As it came up it turned outthat three more were hanging on to it.

‘A crab necklace?’ giggled Juliet.

‘Oh, that’s crabs for you,’ said Verity, disentangling the ones who had hitcheda ride. ‘Thick as planks, the lot of them. That’s why you can keep them in abucket without a lid. Any that tries to get out gets pulled back. Yes, as thickas planks.’ Verity held the crab over an ominously bubbling cauldron. ‘Shall Icook it for you now?’

‘No!’ said Glenda, much louder than she had intended.

‘Are you okay, dear?’ Verity enquired. ‘You look a bit ill.’

‘I’m fine. Fine. Just a touch of a sore throat, that’s all.’ Crab bucket, shethought. I thought Pepe was talking nonsense. ‘Erm, can you just truss it upfor us? It’s going to be a long night.’

‘Right you are,’ said Miss Pushpram, expertly wrapping the unresisting crab intwine. ‘You know what to do, that’s certain. Lovely crabs, these, real goodeating. But thick as planks.’

Crab bucket, thought Glenda as they hurried towards the Night Kitchen. That’show it works. People from the Sisters disapproving when a girl takes thetrolley bus. That’s crab bucket. Practically everything my mum ever told me,that’s crab bucket. Practically everything I’ve ever told Juliet, that’s crabbucket, too. Maybe it’s just another word for the Shove. It’s so nice and warmon the inside that you forget that there’s an outside. The worst of it is, thecrab that mostly keeps you down is you… The realization had her mind on fire.

A lot hinges on the fact that, in most circumstances, people are not allowed tohit you with a mallet. They put up all kinds of visible and invisible signsthat say ‘Do not do this’ in the hope that it’ll work, but if it doesn’t, thenthey shrug, because there is, really, no real mallet at all. Look at Juliettalking to all those nobby ladies. She didn’t know that she shouldn’t talk tothem like that. And it worked! Nobody hit her on the head with a hammer.

And custom and practice as embodied by Mrs Whitlow was that the Night Kitchenstaff should not go above stairs, to where the light was comparatively cleanand had not already been through a lot of other eyeballs. Well, Glenda had donethat, and nothing bad had happened, had it? So now Glenda strode towards theGreat Hall, her serviceable shoes hitting the floor enough to hurt. The Daygirls said nothing as she marched in behind them. There was nothing for them tosay. The real unwritten rule was that girls on the dumpy side didn’t serve attable when guests were present, and Glenda had decided tonight that shecouldn’t read unwritten rules. Besides, there was a row already going on. Theservants who were laying out the cutlery were trying to keep an eye on it,which subsequently meant that more than one guest had to eat with two spoons.