‘And then?’ said her voice, like a teacher encouraging a promising pupil.

‘And then the truth can be changed,’ said Nutt.

‘Mister Nutt is a goblin,’ said Trev.

‘Yeah, right,’ said the creature. And the phrase seemed incredibly exotic forsomeone whose face was looking more birdlike all the time.

‘If I scream, a lot of people will come running,’ said Glenda.

‘And what will they do?’ said the creature.

And what would they do? Glenda thought. They would stand around saying ‘What’sall this then?’ and asking all the same questions we are. She shuffled again asone of the things tried to get to the couch.

‘The orc will kill,’ said a third voice, and another of the things dropped downalmost in front of Glenda’s face. Its breath was like carrion.

‘Mister Nutt is kind and gentle and has never hurt anyone,’ said Glenda.

‘Who didn’t deserve it,’ said Trev hurriedly.

‘But now the orc knows it is an orc,’ said a creature. And now they weremilling backwards and forwards in a ghastly pavane.

‘I don’t think you’re allowed to touch us,’ said Trev. ‘I really don’t thinkyou can touch us.’

He sat down suddenly beside the recumbent Nutt and dragged Glenda down next tohim. ‘I think you ’ave to obey rules,’ said Trev. The moving figures stoppedinstantly. That was somehow creepier than their movement. They stood there asfrozen as statues.

‘They’ve got talons,’ said Glenda, quietly. ‘I can see their talons.’

‘Pounces,’ said Trev.

‘What’re you talking about?’

‘Those big claws are called pounces. The ones at the back are called talons–theones they carry the prey off with. Everyone gets that wrong.’

‘Except you,’ said Glenda. ‘You’re like the big expert on horrible birdlikecreatures all of a sudden.’

‘I can’t help it. Sometimes you just pick stuff up,’ said Trev.

‘We must protect you,’ said one of the females.

‘We don’t need protecting from Mister Nutt! He’s our friend,’ said Glenda.

‘And how many of your friends have claws?’

‘What have we got to worry about here, in Unseen University, which has gotgreat big thick walls and is pretty much generally crawling with wizards?’

One of the women stretched her neck until her face was a few inches fromTrev’s. ‘There is an orc in here with you.’

There was a clink of chain. Nutt had moved slightly.

‘You work for somebody, don’t you?’ said Trev. ‘You’ve got tiny little heads.You can’t ’ave enough brains to think this up for yourself. Do the wizards knowyou’re here?’

Glenda screamed. She had never screamed before, not in a proper way, straightup from the bottom of her terror. Cutting her finger while using the knifecarelessly didn’t count and almost certainly would never have been so loud. Thescream echoed along the passages, bounced into the cellars and made theundercrofts ring[17].

Glenda screamed a second time and, as her lungs had got into practice, shemanaged to make this one even louder. There were hurrying footsteps from bothdirections.

That was reassuring.

She was not certain how reassuring was the little clink and sliding of metalthat suggested a chain had broken.

The creatures went into an instant panic, trying to take wing at once. Theywere as clumsy as herons and got in one another’s way.

‘And don’t come back!’ she yelled as they disappeared back into the dark. Thenshe turned to Trev, her heart thumping, and said, ‘What is an orc?’

‘I dunno. I think it’s some kind of old bogey man,’ said Trev.

‘And what were those things?’

‘I know it sounds silly,’ said Trev, ‘but we saw one of them the other night,and he seems to think they’re, like… friends.’

Butchers, bakers, butlers and bledlows came hurrying out of the dark corridorsand one of them was Bledlow Nobbs (no relation), who was inexplicably wearingjust his official hat, a string vest and a pair of shorts, far too short andfar too tight for a man the size of Bledlow Nobbs (no relation).

He looked at Glenda and then glared at Trev. People like Trev were, as far asBledlow Nobbs (no relation) was concerned, an automatic enemy. ‘Did you scream?What’s been going on?’ he said.

‘I’m sorry, I made an improper suggestion,’ Trev said. He looked at Glenda, hisexpression saying, ‘Help me out here.’

‘I’m afraid I let my girlish modesty get the better of me,’ she said, cursinghim with her eyes.

‘It must have been a pretty strange suggestion,’ said a baker, who seemed tothink that an extremely long loaf would have been a suitable aid to combat, buthe was grinning–and grinning was good.

If this ends up with no more than sniggering and grinning then we’ll all behappy, Glenda thought. Hard to live down afterwards, but still good.

‘But what’s that bloke chained to that bed for?’ said the bledlow.

‘Yeah, what kind of improper suggestions go on around here?’ said the baker. Hereally was having fun.

I am going to kill someone before the end of all this and it might just have tobe myself, thought Glenda.

‘Isn’t that Mister Nutt?’ said the bledlow. ‘We’re supposed to be in trainingin five minutes.’

There was another clink behind Glenda and Nutt’s voice said, ‘Don’t worry,Alphonse, I often do this trick. Dynamic tension you know, helps build up themuscles.’

‘Alphonse?’ said the baker, looking incredulously at the bledlow. ‘I thoughtyour name was Alfred, Alf for short. Alphonse is a Quirmian name if ever I’veheard one. You’re not from there, are you?’ That was an accusation as much as aquestion.

‘What’s wrong with Alf being short for Alphonse?’ said the bledlow. He had verylarge hands that might have troubled even Mustrum Ridcully in a game ofpat-a-cake. Also, his ears were going red, never a good sign in a man of hissize.

‘Oh, I never said it wasn’t a nice name,’ said the baker, belatedly using hisloaf. ‘But I would never have figured you for an Alphonse. It just goes to showthat you never can tell.’

‘I am an orc,’ said Nutt quietly.

‘Actually, Alphonse is quite a nice name,’ the baker went on. ‘The phonsespoils it a bit, but the Alf I quite like.’ He paused and turned to Nutt. ‘Whatdo you mean, “orc”?’

‘An orc,’ said Nutt again.

And away in the distant central heating pipes there was a scream of ‘Awk! Awk!’

‘Don’t be daft, there’s no such thing as orcs any more. They all got killed offhundreds of years ago. Bloody hard to kill, too, I read somewhere,’ said abutler.

‘In the latter part of your statement you are substantially correct,’ saidNutt, still chained to the couch. ‘However, nevertheless, I am an orc.’

Glenda looked down. ‘You told me you’re a goblin, Mister Nutt. You told meyou’re a goblin.’

‘I was misinformed,’ said Nutt. ‘I know I am an orc. I think I have alwaysknown that I am an orc. I have opened the door and read the book and I know thetruth of my soul and I am an orc, and for some reason I am an orc with aterrible urge to smoke a cigar.’

‘But they were like these big horrible monsters that wouldn’t stop fighting andwere quite happy to tear off their own arm to use as a weapon,’ said BledlowNobbs (no relation). ‘There was an article about them in Bows & Ammo.’

Every eye turned to Nutt’s arms. ‘Certainly that is the judgement of history,’said Nutt. He looked up at Glenda. ‘I am so sorry,’ he said. ‘I disobeyed,everybody does it, you see. Schnouzentintle says as much in his book TheObedience of Disobedience. So I wondered what was in the cupboard. And Ialready had some expertise with lockpicks. I opened the cupboard, I read thebook and… ’His chains clinked as he shifted position. ‘I disobeyed. I thinkeverybody does it. We are very good at hiding from ourselves what we do notwant to know. Believe me; I was very good at keeping that from myself. But itleaks out, you see, in dreams and things when you have dropped your guard. I aman orc. There is no doubt about that.’