‘Yes, Archchancellor. I’m looking to see if we could manage without thebequest.’

‘Good man,’ said the Senior Wrangler, glaring at Ridcully. ‘I knew there was noreason to panic.’

‘In fact I’m pleased to say that I think we could rub along quite well withonly a minimal cut in expenditure,’ Ponder went on.

‘There,’ said the Senior Wrangler, looking triumphantly at the first amongequals, ‘you see what happens if you don’t simply panic.’

‘Indeed,’ said Ridcully calmly. With his gaze still fixed on the SeniorWrangler he added, ‘Mister Stibbons, would you be so kind as to enlighten therest of us: to what, in reality, does a “minimal cut in expenditure” equate?’

‘The bequest is a trust,’ said Ponder, still scribbling. ‘We have the use ofthe significant income from the very wise investments of the Bigger trustees,but we cannot touch the capital. Nevertheless, the income is enough tocover-I’m sorry to be imprecise-about eighty-seven point four per cent of theuniversity’s food bill.’

He waited patiently until the uproar had died away. It was amazing, he thought,how people would argue against figures on no better basis than ‘they must bewrong’.

‘I’m sure the Bursar would not agree with those figures,’ said the SeniorWrangler sourly.

‘That is so,’ said Ponder, ‘but I’m afraid that is because he regards thedecimal point as a nuisance.’

The faculty looked at one another.

‘Then who is dealing with our financial affairs?’ said Ridcully.

‘Since last month? Me,’ said Ponder, ‘but I would be happy to hand theresponsibility over to the first volunteer.’

This worked. Regrettably, it always did. ‘In that case,’ he said, in the suddensilence, ‘I have worked out, with reference to calorific tables, a regime thatwill give every man here a nourishing three meals a day—’

The Senior Wrangler frowned. ‘Three meals? Three meals? What kind of person hasthree meals a day?’

‘Someone who can’t afford nine,’ said Ponder flatly. ‘We could eke out themoney if we concentrate on a healthy diet of grains and fresh vegetables. Thatwould allow us to keep the cheeseboard with a choice of, say, three types ofcheese.’

‘Three cheeses isn’t a choice, it’s a penance!’ said the Lecturer in RecentRunes.

‘Or we could play a game of football, gentlemen,’ said Ridcully, clapping hishands together cheerfully. ‘One game. That’s all. How hard would that be?’

‘As hard as a face full of hobnails, perhaps?’ said the Chair of IndefiniteStudies. ‘People get trodden into the cobbles!’

‘If all else fails, we will find volunteers from the student body,’ saidRidcully.

‘Corpse might be a better word.’

The Archchancellor leaned back in his chair. ‘What makes a wizard, gentlemen? Afacility with magic? Yes, of course, but around this table we know this is not,for the right kind of mind, hard to obtain. It does not, as it were, happenlike magic. Good heavens, witches manage it. But what makes a magic user is acertain cast of mind which looks a little deeper into the world and the way itworks, the way its currents twist the fortunes of mankind, et cetera, etcetera. In short, they should be the kind of person who might calculate that aguaranteed double first is worth the occasional inconvenience of sliding downthe street on their teeth.’

‘Are you seriously suggesting that we give out degrees for mere physicalprowess?’ said the Chair of Indefinite Studies.

‘No, of course not. I am seriously suggesting that we give out degrees forextreme physical prowess. May I remind you that I rowed for this university forfive years and got a Brown?’

‘And what good did that do, pray?’

‘Well, it does say “Archchancellor” on my door. Do you remember why? TheUniversity Council at the time took the very decent view that it might be themoment for a leader who was not stupid, mad or dead. Admittedly, most of theseare not exactly qualifications in the normal sense, but I like to think thatthe skill of leadership, tactics and creative cheating that I learned on theriver also stood me in good stead. And thus for my sins, which I don’t actuallyremember committing but must have been quite crimson, I was at the top of ashortlist of one. Was that a choice of three cheeses, Mister Stibbons?’

‘Yes, Archchancellor.’

‘I was just checking.’ Ridcully leaned forward. ‘Gentlemen, in the morning,correction, later this morning, I propose to tell Vetinari firmly that thisuniversity intends to once again play football. And the task falls to mebecause I am the first among equals. If any of you would like to try your luckin the Oblong Office, you have only to say.’

‘He’ll suspect something, you know,’ said the Chair of Indefinite Studies.

‘He suspects everything. That is why he is still Patrician.’ Ridcully stood up.‘I declare this meet—this overly extended snack… over. Mister Stibbons, comewith me!’

Ponder hurried after him, books clutched to his chest, happy for the excuse toget out of there before they turned on him. The bringer of bad news is neverpopular, especially when it’s on an empty plate.

‘Archchancellor, I—’ he began, but Ridcully held his finger to his lips.

After a moment of cloying silence, there was a sudden festival of scuffling, asof men fighting in silence.

‘Good for them,’ Ridcully said, heading off down the corridor. ‘I wondered howlong it would take them to realize that they might be seeing the lastoverloaded snack trolley for some time. I’m almost tempted to wait and see themwaddle out with their robes sagging.’

Ponder stared at him. ‘Are you enjoying this, Archchancellor?’

‘Good heavens no,’ said Ridcully, his eyes sparkling. ‘How could you suggestsuch a thing? Besides, in a few hours I have to tell Havelock Vetinari that weare intending to become a personal affront. The unschooled mob hacking at oneanother’s legs is one thing. I don’t believe he will be happy with the prospectof our joining in.’

‘Of course, sir. Er, there is a minor matter, sir, a small conundrum, if youwill… Who is Nutt?’

There seemed to Ponder to be a rather longer pause than necessary beforeRidcully said, ‘Nutt would be… ?’

‘He works in the candle vats, sir.’

‘How do you know that, Stibbons?’

‘I do the wages, sir. The Candle Knave says Nutt just turned up one night witha chitty saying he was to be employed and paid minimal wage.’

‘Well?’

‘That’s all I know, sir, and I only found that out because I asked Smeems.Smeems says he’s a good lad but sort of odd.’

‘Then he should fit right in, don’t you think, Stibbons? In fact, we are seeinghow he fits in.’

‘Well yes, sir, no problem there, but he’s a goblin, apparently, and generally,you know, it’s a sort of odd tradition, but when the first people from otherraces first come to the city they start out in the Watch… ’

Ridcully cleared his throat, loudly. ‘The trouble with the Watch, Stibbons, isthat they ask too many questions. We should not emulate them, I suggest.’ Helooked at Ponder and appeared to reach a decision. ‘You know that you have aglowing future here at UU, Stibbons.’

‘Yes, sir,’ said Ponder gloomily.

‘I would advise you, with this in mind, to forget all about Mister Nutt.’

‘Excuse me, Archchancellor, but that simply will not do!’

Ridcully swayed backwards, like a man subjected to an attack by a hithertocomatose sheep.

Ponder plunged on, because when you have dived off a cliff your only hope is topress for the abolition of gravity.

‘I have twelve jobs in this university,’ he said. ‘I do all the paperwork. I doall the adding up. In fact, I do everything that requires even a modicum ofeffort and responsibility! And I go on doing it even though Brazeneck haveoffered me the post of Bursar! With a staff! I mean real people, not a stickwith a knob on the end. Now… Will… You… Trust… Me? What is it about Nutt thatis so important?’