What I’m saying here is that you need to learn to change diapers furtively, in the dark, and you need to be able to saunter unobtrusively carrying huge wads of reeking towelettes past amorous couples to the rest room trash container, and you do not learn these things in books.

How to Get Your Body Back into Shape after Childbirth the Way All the Taut-Bodied Entertainment Personalities Such As Jane Fonda Do

Don’t kid yourself. Those women have never had babies. Their children were all borne by professional stunt women.

The first six months is a time of incredibly rapid development for your baby. It will learn to smile, to lift its head, to sit, to play the cello, and to repair automatic transmissions.

Ha ha. Just kidding here, poking a little fun at new parents who watch like hawks for their babies to pass the Major Milestones of Infant Development, when the truth is that during the first six months, babies mainly just lie around and poop. They haven’t even developed brains at this point. If you were to open up a baby’s head—and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should—you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.

Nevertheless, this is definitely the time to buy your baby its first computer. It’s never too soon to start learning about computers, as you know if you have been watching those television commercials wherein children whose parents didn’t buy them computers at an early age wind up as rag-pickers with open sores all over their bodies.

Computers are the way of the future. You can buy them at K-Mart, for God’s sake. You see families wandering through the computer department, clutching K-Mart purchases such as huge bags of caramel popcorn manufactured in Korea, and they’re saying things like, “I think we should get this computer, because it has a built-in modem and the software support is better.” These are not nuclear physicists talking this way; these are K-Mart shoppers, and if they know about computers, your kid damn well better know about them, too.

What kind of computer is best for a baby aged 0 to 6 months? There are many models, ranging widely in memory size, telecommunications facilities, and expansion capabilities, but the critical thing is that your baby’s computer should be red, and it should have no sharp edges. Also, you should immediately cut off the plug, because otherwise your baby could receive a dangerous electrical shock from drooling on the keyboard.

During the 1950s and 60s, parents were told to be permissive with their children, and the result was juvenile delinquency, drug abuse, Watergate, Pac-Man, California, etc. So we experts now feel you should start disciplining your baby immediately after birth. At random intervals throughout the day, you should stride up to your baby and say, in a strict voice, “There will be no slumber party for you tonight, young lady.”

You may think this is a waste of time, but scientists have determined that babies as young as three days old can tell, just from the tone of an adult’s voice, when they are being told they can’t go to a slumber party. You should keep up this tough discipline until your child is in junior high school and thus has access to weapons.

During the first six months, your baby will need more care than at any other time in its life except the following 30 months. We modern sensitive husbands realize that it’s very unfair to place the entire child-care burden on our wives, so many of us are starting to assume maybe three percent of it. Even this is probably too much. I know I’ll be accused of being sexist for saying this, but the typical man has had his nurturing instincts obliterated by watching professional football, and consequently he has no concept of how to tend a baby. He feels he’s done a terrific job if the baby isn’t stolen by gypsies. You’d get better infant care from an affectionate dog.

But men keep reading articles in the newspaper Style section about how they’re supposed to help. So what happens is the family goes to, say, a picnic, and on the way the man, feeling magnanimous, says, “I’ll take care of the baby, honey. You just relax and enjoy yourself.” So they get to the picnic, and the husband, feeling very proud of himself, tends to the baby by poking it affectionately in the stomach every 45 minutes on his way to the cooler for a new beer. Between pokes the wife comes over maybe 35 times to change the baby’s diaper, feed it, cuddle it, arrange its blanket, put the pacifier back in its mouth, brush enormous stinging insects off it, etc.

On the way home, the man remarks on how easy the baby is to take care of, how it hardly cried at all, etc., and the woman plunges the red-hot car cigarette lighter deep into his right thigh. This is bad for a relationship.

So what I’ve done, men, is I’ve prepared a little automotive-style maintenance chart for you to follow when you’re in charge of the baby.

MAINTENANCE INTERVAL ACTIVITY Every 5 minutes Lean over baby and state the following in a high-pitched voice: “Yes! We’re a happy boy or girl! Yes we are! Watcha watcha watcha!” Every 10 minutes Check all orifices for emerging solids and liquids; wipe and change containment garments as needed Every 30 minutes Attempt feeding and burping procedures Every 60 minutes Examine entire baby surface for signs of redness, flaking, major eye boogers, etc. Every 2 hours Call pediatrician about something

If you’re like many young mothers who held jobs before childbirth, you face a cruel dilemma: Your family could really use another income, yet you feel strongly that you should stay home for at least the first few critical years.

The solution to this dilemma is to have your baby get a job. Under federal law, it is now illegal for employers to discriminate against any person solely because that person is a baby. And to their surprise, many employers are finding that babies often make excellent employees, the kind who are always at their desks and never make personal telephone calls. In fact, one major corporation now shows all of its financial proposals to a team of handpicked babies: If they cry at a proposal, it is rejected out of hand; if they attempt to eat it, it is sent on to the board of directors.

What kind of job should you seek for your baby? Your best bet is the kind of job that even the most pathetic incompetent can handle:

State legislator

Vice president of anything

Paperweight

Consultant

Clerk in a state motor vehicle bureau

Anything in marketing