“Look, Ted, the Communists have got to be stopped. I would rather do it in Vietnam than Disneyland.”

“Jesus, I don’t believe this,” Ted Wolberg said. “Who writes your scripts, the John Birch Society?”

Ted and Bobby Coolidge were passing the time at George Rasmussen’s apartment. As usual, Ted and George were arguing about the war. Bobby was paying little attention to what was being said, because he had heard it all before. It seemed that all anyone ever talked about anymore was Vietnam.

“What do you think, Bobby?” Ted asked.

Bobby looked at Ted. He did not like to get drawn into academic discussions, because he did not feel secure enough yet to venture into the intellectual arena. He never spoke in class. With his friends, he was a listener. The trouble was, with Vietnam the topic, he was considered the resident expert. He was always being put on the spot and he was expected to be knowledgeable in every area connected with the war. In fact, he knew less about Vietnam and its history and politics than George, who had spent his army time in Washington, D. C., or Ted, whose hobby was Far Eastern studies and who was a political science major.

“I think you’re both right, in a way,” he answered cautiously. “I don’t think we should be over there…”)

“See,” Ted interrupted. “That’s just what the two P.O.W.s who were just released said.”

“…but I don’t agree when you say that the country is like Nazi Germany. I mean, there aren’t any secret police coming to take you away for your clearly subversive statements, are there?”

“You are being fooled by the repressive tolerance practiced by the military-industrial complex that runs this country. Marcuse says…”

“Who?” George asked.

Ted was about to answer when the doorbell rang. George answered it and returned to the living room with Sarah. She had a letter in her hand. When he saw it, Bobby’s heart started to pound and his lips felt suddenly dry. The envelope looked like the type the school used to send out grades. It was intersession and Bobby had been expecting his final first semester marks all week.

He expected the worst and he realized that he did not want his friends finding out, if his grades were poor.

“Uh, George, can I talk to Sarah in your bedroom?”

“Sure, just clean up before you leave.”

“You’re a pig, George,” Sarah said, following Bobby down the corridor to George’s bedroom.

“Well?” Bobby asked nervously, when the door was closed. She looked at him without expression for a moment and his heart sank. Then she burst into laughter and flung her arms around his neck.

“You made Dean’s List, you dummy. I’m so proud.”

He tried to untangle himself from her. What she had said had not sunk in.

“What?” he asked, when he had peeled her off and was holding her at arm’s length.

“Dean’s List,” she shouted. “Three As, a B-plus, and a C-plus in math.”

“You’re shitting me?”

“If you could see how you look, you idiot.”

“Dean’s List. Oh, wow! Hey, that’s not possible.”

He walked back and forth, looking at the grade sheet. It was there in black and white.

“Look, you get real pretty tonight. I am going to take you out on the town.”

“You don’t have to do that, Bobby,” she said, knowing how tight his cash was.

“To hell with that. You don’t know what this means to me, Sarah. All my life I always thought that I was stupid. That I would never amount to anything. You don’t know how scared I’ve been in school. I almost quit a dozen times.”

She did not say anything, but she knew. She had heard him moaning in the night, seen him sweating over his books, cheered him up when he was too disheartened to go on.

“You know, this is the turning point in my life, Sarah. I won’t go back, ever again.”

TAPE # 8

DR. ARTHUR HOLLANDER: I’m glad to see you looking so well, Esther.

ESTHER PEGALOSI: I’ve been feeling so good these last few weeks.

Q: Why do you think that is?

A: I…You know, I think it’s the…these meetings and doing the trance at home. I’ve been really trying and practicing and everything seems so much better.

Q: In what ways?

A: Well, my baby, you know, I used to, well, not hate him, but I felt he tied me down. Sometimes I thought that he was a punishment.

Q: A punishment for what?

A: I don’t know. For losing John, my husband, maybe. I know that doesn’t make sense, but I felt that if I hadn’t had the baby, John would have stayed with me.

Q: You felt that your husband left because of the baby?

A: Well, I know that’s wrong now. I mean he would have split eventually anyway. But, I thought…I blamed it on the baby, if you see what I mean.

Q: But you don’t now?

A: No, I…Well, how could I? I mean, he’s just a baby. But before I started seeing you and thinking about myself, and what kind of person I am, I never realized about John and the baby.

Q: So you feel differently about your son now?

A: Yes. I…I love him. I mean, I don’t think I did before. But now, I sit and watch him. I hug and kiss him more. And he’s gotten so much quieter. Less demanding.

Q: Do you think that’s because he can sense your change of attitude?

A: Well, I don’t know. I’m not a doctor. He might.

Q: And you say there are other changes?

A: Well, you know we always talk about becoming the kind of person I want to be. Well, I feel like that is happening.

Q: How can you tell?

A: I’m more quieter now, less scared. When I feel nervous, I relax and think of my wrist and I quiet down, then I think about what is scaring me and I can usually figure it out-how to do it.

Q: Well, I am pleased to hear this and I am pleased that I…that you feel that I have been of some help to you.

A: Well, I am very grateful and I wanted to tell you.

Q: Thank you.

A: And, Doctor, I have been thinking all this week and I have decided that I am going to really try this time to remember, because I know there is something there and I am going to try not to fight it.

Q: Good! I am glad to hear you talk like this. To see you change from a frightened girl into a strong, confident young woman. And I am going to help you along, because today we are going to try something new to help you, if you agree.

A: What’s that?

Q: I am going to inject you with sodium amytal. Remember how we talked about the guards your subconscious mind erects whenever we get close to the crucial times?

A: Uh-huh.

Q: Well, sodium amytal will put you into a half-sleeping state and reduce your conscious awareness. You will feel sort of drunk and this will make it more difficult for those guards to protect you from your own memories, just like you do things more slowly when you are drunk. Do you understand?

A: I think so.

Q: Do I have your permission to try the drug?

A: Yes, if you think it will help.

Q: Okay. Then we will induce hypnosis as we always have and I will fortify that with the amytal and then we will picture the movie screen again.

A: You know, at home, I try the screen. I picture it and I see so many crazy things. You know that’s really bothering me. I don’t want to make a mountain out of a molehill by imagining something that didn’t happen.

Q: Well, we won’t let that happen. The reason we use the screen is so you don’t have to be involved. It takes you out of it. You’re watching it, like you are watching a movie, and while you are involved a little bit, it isn’t…you feel sorry for the heroine that the hero doesn’t kiss her or anything, but it isn’t quite the same. You can report what is happening, but you don’t get a personal reaction like you would if you were thinking about something that happened in the past to you. You don’t feel as threatened.

A: I can see that. I was just afraid of making things up, since it is like a movie.