"I know," I replied.

"Tojo," he said in a faraway voice, "get your ass over there and tell Rainbow he'd better stay in bed tomorrow. It looks like it's going to be a cold day."

He was still staring at the tent when I left the trailer to do his bidding.

Chapter 10

At three o'clock the next morning Dapper Dan tried kill himself.

Big Alvin pounded on the door to the trailer until he finally woke us up. He was standing there in only his T-shirt and jeans, totally oblivious to the snow and wind, and screaming that Thaddeus had to get over to the dormitory tent right away.

As always when there was an emergency concerning the carnival, Thaddeus was up and dressed and reasonably wide awake in less than a minute. I can't move as fast as most people, and it took me about three minutes just to get out of my pajamas and into my clothes, and another minute or so to reach the tent. When I entered it Thaddeus was already working on the Missing Link, who was weakly trying to push him away. "Mustard!" he snapped at Alvin. The big guy just stood there with an uncomprehending look on his face. "Dammit, Alvin! Get me a jar of mustard!"

"Any particular kind?" asked Big Alvin.

"Just get it, you dumb son of a bitch!" bellowed Thaddeus.

Alvin shrugged and went out the door, obviously on his way to one of the concession stands. I walked over to Queenie's kitchen, found a bottle of yellow mustard, and brought it to Thaddeus.

He took it from me without a word and poured half its contents into Dapper Dan's mouth. The Missing Link fought against it, but finally swallowed the stuff.

"Stand back!" Thaddeus ordered the other aliens, who had all crowded around. "Give him air!"

A moment later Dapper Dan clutched his belly, and a few seconds after that he began vomiting. Thaddeus, a disgusted look on his face, held the apeman's head until he was finished.

"Don't just stand there, Treetop!" he hollered. "Get something to clean this up with."

He turned to me. "Do you know what that bastard did? He took a whole bottle of Four-Eye's sodium pills. Swallowed every last one of them." He put a hand on Dapper's shoulder and looked down at him. "You poor dumb monkeyman. If you want to kill yourself, you don't announce that you've taken the pills until they've had time to get into your system. Now all you're gonna have is one hell of a bellyache." He took the edge off his voice. "Are you feeling any better?"

Dapper Dan made no answer.

"Would the sodium have killed him?" I asked dubiously.

"Who knows?" responded Thaddeus wearily. "I think fresh air and sunshine would kill half of them. For all I know his standard diet is bird shit."

"I will try again," said Dapper Dan softly.

"I don't doubt it," said Thaddeus.

Dapper Dan looked up at him. "Why couldn't you let me die?"

"Maybe next time I will," said Thaddeus.

"I hope so," said Dapper Dan.

"Jesus Christ, what the hell's the matter with you?" snapped Thaddeus. "You're getting fed, you're not being beaten, there's always a chance that Romany will find you. What the hell do you want to die for?"

"Leave him alone, Thaddeus," I said.

"Let me tell you something, Tarzan," he continued, ignoring me completely. "If it was me instead of you, I'd have made twenty escape attempts already. I'd be lying in wait for you every time you walked into the tent. I'd go an a hunger strike instead of just threatening to. It doesn't take any brains or guts to kill yourself—or maybe it does, considering how badly you botched it. What kind of people are you, anyway?"

Dapper Dan looked as if he was going to say something, but suddenly tried to vomit again. Nothing came up, and he finally lay back, exhausted, on his cot.

"Just lie still and try to relax," said Thaddeus, picking up a towel and mopping the Missing Link's face. "You start moving around and you'll start heaving again. There's been enough stupidity around here for one night."

"Please go away," said Dapper Dan softly.

"When I'm ready to," replied Thaddeus. He sat on the edge of the cot and took Dapper Dan's pulse. "I wish I knew what the hell was normal for you," he said after a moment or two. Then he reached into his pocket and pulled out a cigarette, lit it, and took a long drag. "That must be some world you come from, apeman."

"What do you mean?" whispered Dapper Dan.

"Well, you'd rather kill yourself than stay away from it."

"I would rather die than remain in bondage," said Dapper Dan.

"That's an interesting conclusion to reach in less two weeks. Don't they have any jails on your world?"

"No."

"You're kidding!" scoffed Thaddeus. "What do when someone breaks the law?"

"No one does," said Dapper Dan.

"I don't believe you."

"What you believe is of no importance to me."

"Other than the freedom to pretend you're a sideshow freak for Ahasuerus instead of really being one for me," said Thaddeus, "just what is important to you?"

"My family and my God," said Dapper Dan.

"In that order?"

"There is no order. They are the same."

"Ancestor worship?"

Dapper Dan shook his head weakly. "You would not understand."

"Try me."

"To what purpose? Whether I die now or I die later, I must search for my God alone."

"You make it sound like he's lost," said Thaddeus with a smile.

"God is not lost," said Dapper Dan so softly that I had trouble hearing him. "But I am."

"What the hell do you mean by that?" asked Thaddeus.

Dapper Dan merely closed his eyes and turned side.

"I heard him speak about it earlier this evening," I said. "As I understand it, he believes his soul will be lost if he dies without the sacraments of his religion."

"Is that right?" said Thaddeus thoughtfully.

"He was very distressed at the thought of dying away from home," I said.

"So he tries to kill himself rather than take the chance he might die here sometime in the future," said Thaddeus. "That's about as logical as these jokers get."

"He's been pretty depressed, Thaddeus," I said. "I don't think he's thinking very clearly."

"Well," said Thaddeus, a puzzled frown crossing his face, "he seems to be clear on one point." He touched Dapper Dan gently on the shoulder. "You'd really rather go to hell for all eternity than spend another day here?"

"Yes!" howled the Missing Link.

His huge hairy body was wracked by sobs, and Thaddeus suddenly stood up like he'd been shot through with electricity. For just a moment he looked like he had no idea what to do next. Then his cigarette burned down to his fingers, he cursed and threw it on the ground and snuffed it out with his shoe, and the moment was gone.

"I think he's wigged out," he said, staring at the huge alien weeping out his misery. He walked over to one of the tables and sat down at it. "Between Alma and the monkeyman, this has been a very enlightening evening," he said caustically. "Tojo, get me a cup of coffee."

While I was preparing it, Mr. Ahasuerus walked over to Thaddeus and awkwardly seated himself on a chair that was much too small for him.